Damned, Dead...And Still Smiling

"..awake but not living,
alive but not breathing,
asleep but not dreaming,
aware but not seeing,
adrift and not feeling.."

Dear lonely isle,

Why are humans granted emotion? Why does emotion define us? Why does having emotion make us human?
Emotions, feelings are messy, and depressing.
And because we feel, we hope. And we have faith. And we begin to believe.
I began to believe.
I did believe.
And once again I fall.
Maybe this time I'll hit rockbottom.
And break myself.
Shattering into a million pieces, and realising for the first time that existence is fragile.
That balance breaks easily, and before you know it, you've crossed over.
And then where do you go?
What do you do?
Looking at yourself, and wondering that was which once whole and now broken, is really you.
Watching with sightless eyes as ashes and dust rise with the wind, scattering all that I am.
And with a laughter that nobody hears, I shall be a fool once more.
A dead fool. No more. No less.
I have danced with folly, and sang with woe.
I have laughed with envy, and died with pride.
Does that define my existence?
Does that tell the world who I am?
Does that make me who I am?
Do I know who I am?
Yes. I do.
I'm a lost soul, a lost cause.

A dead fool.

love, joyce.