Thursday, April 08, 2010

The Show

"..I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
life is a maze, love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried, and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared, but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go.."

Dear lonely isle,

The other day I overheard something I wished I didn't.
Okay, maybe overheard was the wrong word, because it wasn't even overhearing in the very least.
So let's amend it.

The other day something was spoken in my presence which I wished wasn't.
Because if God pitied us he'd have make it possible to unhear things.

To say that I'm bothered by it would be an understatement. It's starting to worry me more and more. I try not to think about it, but its just never far from my mind.

Sometimes I wonder why I have to work. Now I wonder no more.
It's not something I can do anything about, so it seems rather silly to let it occupy my thoughts. But alas, paranoia and needless worrying is something I'm rather inclined to do.

These days I worry more about the future. I wonder if its got to do with growing up.
I've been blessed a hundred times over, growing up in the environment I did. Maybe its time to give back.

Just the other day, the most worry-free girl I know at work turned to me and said, "You know, I woke up this morning and thought about quitting at the end of the month. This job is really quite stressful."
And then I sat up a little straighter in my chair.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or if there must be something wrong with me.

It's true that there are days that going to work seemed more painful than being drawn and quartered, I don't deny.

But at the same time, I've just never considered quitting. True I do sometimes imagine what I'd do if I didn't have to work, but no I've never given the idea that I'd decide to stop much thought.

Sometimes life is just a lot easier and less complicated when there's just the work in front of you that needs to be done. But at the same time, when you find yourself the only person who feels that way, sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with the work or if there's something wrong with me. Everytime someone tells me that they're thinking of getting another job, its like a slap in the face, because I again wonder what am I doing here.

I don't think it matters much either way, because whether I stay or I don't it doesn't make me think less about what I heard that I wished so much I didn't hear, neither does it make things better if I do stay. Leaving might make things worse, but then again, nothing I do seems to matter very much in the scale of things.

I'm just one person, and I'm supposed to do what I need to do, and I should do what I'm supposed to do till I can't, and as one person doing something is better than one person not trying at all.

So I'm still sitting on the raft in the middle of the ocean, not quite sure if I should paddle with the current, against it, or if I should paddle at all. Clearly I'm not going anywhere, but I don't have anywhere to go.

I really wish I weren't so lost.

Shima, where are you? I need to talk :(

Love, Joyce.