Wednesday, October 24, 2007

It's Nice

"..hearts are worn in these dark ages,
you're not alone in this story's pages.."

Dear lonely isle,

Sometimes when the world feels so cold, it's nice to know someone still watches out for you.

It's nice to know that when you have nothing left to eat but maggi, there is still some place you can go where someone will cook specially just for you. And no, I'm not talking about ordering food at a stall. For this person, the only currency accepted is friendship.

It's also nice to know that on days you feel like nobody cares, someone still cares enough to remind you to drink water, rest more, sleep early and to eat dinner. And that if that person was told that dinner was somehow conveniently yet again 'forgotten', someone will have a lot of answering to do.

It's also nice to know that you're always welcomed some place, and you can come anytime so as long as the person who welcomes you is home.

It's a nice feeling to have, on days you feel like the stupidest person alive when someone cares enough to boost your confidence by telling you that you're already the best, so it's okay. Especially when you have a memory so short you're on the verge of having amnesia.

It's a nice feeling inside when someone remembers you're the one who sleeps at odd hours and will most definitely oversleep and skip breakfast, and so makes you a sandwich that morning to eat in class.

It's nice when someone cares enough to run from the lecture halls to pass you some Panadols when you're in another faculty because you're having a headache and need some relief. It's even nicer when that person offered to. And reminds you not to drive home alone in your state of pain and tiredness lest you drive into a tree (if you're lucky). And asks to be notified when you have reached home in one piece, whole and unspoiled.

It's nice to know someone like that.

I know, because I do.

love, joyce.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Upside Down Girl

"...upside down, bouncing off the ceiling,
inside out, stranger to this feeling,
got no clue what I should do

Dear lonely isle,

My time is all topsy turvy these past two weeks.

I sleep at 6-8am in the morning, and wake up at 2-3pm in the afternoon. And practically don't sleep at night.

Result? Panda metamorphosis picking up where it left off.

Still on the journey to eventually become a very cute, cuddly and endangered mammal on the verge of extinction because it was too picky.

Can just imagine mothers telling their children somewhere in the not too off future, "Don't be picky on food, remember the panda? You don't see anymore right? Picky some more la.."

Seems like a very grim and bleak future awaiting me. >.<" Been trying to avoid this unseemly fate by taking a late nap then sleeping through till the next day. Plan failed. the next day, even after waking in the morning, I somehow still end up sleeping at 6.30am.

Everyone keeps asking me to be abit more normal. Believe you, me. I'm really trying.

And it's rather horrifying in a way because it seems to me that I cannot turn my time back to what the general population considers to be normal. Yes, I am turning into a minority. I am becoming one of the abnormal. >.<"

Since I live outside the boundaries of normality at the moment, I guess I have to make the most of it.

Maybe abnormal human-turned-pandas don't go extinct...

I hope.

Love, joyce.


"...though I've tried, fallen,
I have sunk so low,
I've messed up, better I should know

Dear lonely isle,

I like the song Fallen by Sarah McLachlan very much. Above all, it teaches me humility. Somehow, like the song title, I have fallen down many, many times. Must be the two left feet. I keep tripping up myself.

But the most important thing is to get up, is it not?

But getting up is a lot of hard work. Hell, half the time I fall down just trying to get up. But enough is enough.

Had a look a my blog a week ago, couldn't be more ashamed of myself.

Because when provided with nothing, the human need will drive you to go all out of your way to find it. But when presented with luxury, everything you have you take for granted.

Because even though I had to wake up at 6am on Fridays to use the library back last year, I did. And even though I had to starve myself to use it (can't leave my laptop alone in the library to go for lunch, because the line will be too packed to use when I come back. don't worry, I eat maggi on Friday mornings for breakfast), I still did.

Because even though the line was at neck-breaking slow speeds (you break your own neck out of frustration) it would be faster to send an email by snail mail or personal delivery, I still persevered.

Because even though I had to retype all my blog entries at least 5 or 6 times before blogger would get through, I did. And I did it almost every week.

Because even if it meant skipping dinner to use the hour I have to spare in the library to email my baby, I did.

And because now I have internet a few houses away and I don't use it.

Because I can drive to a friend's house to use her internet and don't do it.

So yes, I am just so ashamed of myself.

There's a lot of things that I saw in my former self just two semesters back, that I don't see in myself now. And I couldn't be more ashamed.

and I really wonder where did that girl go?

I tried so hard to kick myself in the head. Wish I could detach my leg and do it. Nothing quite captures the essence of kicking your own head for being such an ass. That belongs at the other end of the body. The confusion has to be corrected.

My To-Change-What-I-Cannot Accept List has just gotten a lot longer this past couple of weeks.

My To-Accept-What-I-Cannot-Change List still has only a single entry. And I think that will be the hardest of all.

But still, better late than never, no?

And better now, than not at all, is it not?

love, joyce.