Lost

"..Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep

and doesn't know where to find them

Leave them alone and they'll come home

bringing their tails behind them.."

Sometimes I feel like one of her sheep. Despite the fact that I have herd mentality I also have this insane and annoying ability of getting lost.

Yes it is true. I have the sense of direction of a bat with a broken sonar.

Uncanny knack for getting lost in the literal sense aside, I also tend to get lost in all sorts of other ways as well.

Lost in thought, lost in emotions, lost in decisions, really, the list can go on.

I must have been born with a broken compass, in every sense of the word.

How is it that some people are always so sure of themselves, no matter what, how or where they find themselves to be?

How is it that some people are as sure-footed and as stable as cats, always, always landing on their feet whenever they fall, no matter the height?

Why is it that most of us are born without the natural grace and elegance of a gifted few?

I, for one, have always managed, with a hundred percent success rate, to fall flat on my face every time I trip. It's somehow like Murphy's Law. There is an unwritten rule somewhere that says whenever Joyce falls down, its always facedown, preferably in a puddle of mud. Probably because she tripped over her own feet.

If at anytime at all, should you delight in watching me go to pieces, the answer is simple; give me a choice.

Its a surefire way to watch me unravel at the seams and slowly come undone.

Its quite simple, anyone will tell you choices are better than none. People always want to choose. At anytime you want to distract someone, make them feel like they're in power; you give them a choice, and let them choose.

I've always felt that choices are double-edged swords, and either way you're going to get cut. Its sad to say, but its probably true that I've always preferred to follow than to lead. Whenever it came to the choice between the greater good or to let everyone die nobly, I will probably go down in history as the most useless leader, by allowing voting to happen.

Even when I know what I want I can barely make a decision, when I don't know what I want, a simple choice can reduce me to tears.

Confidence, confidence. I seem to be missing you lately.

Wherefore art thou?

Love, Joyce.

Never Knew I Needed

"..for the way you took the idea that I had

of everything that I wanted to have

and made me see there was something missing.."

Dear lonely isle,

Today was one of those rare silent days on the train.

Not because there wasn't anyone talking, or that the train was particularly empty.

I simply forgot to charge my ipod, and had to endure the train ride staring at other people for amusement and entertainment on my way to and fro from work.

On the train ride back I saw a particularly cute guy, but as life would have it, I'm not particularly a very cute girl. Or at least, not when I'm with my glasses and flats and jeans and plain collared tee.

Eye candy definitely, but I mostly only got to stare at the back of his head, and at his reflection in the window because as fate would have it, I happen to sit somewhat right behind him.

But he was of no matter, because the next guy who came in caught my attention.

In fact, I can't even remember how he looks like.

But what he wore...oh what he wore. He looked so much like a particular someone I used to stare at. Or how that particular someone used to dress at that particular time in life when I used to spend a lot of time with him.

That fedora, that collared tee, those khaki coloured shorts, and just those sneakers.

It was so much like him, except that well, it wasn't, because I know for a fact that he's somewhere else at the moment.

And because silent moments are such that one thought leads to the next, I'm suddenly brought back to a particular conversation we had.

He had asked, how would your dream guy be like?

And I had answered, exactly like you, only perhaps taller.

And now I wonder how true had that been.

After giving it some thought, I think I can say that it was definitely true then, and it is still true now.

The difference is that, I've had that dream guy, and I realized that sometimes what you want, isn't exactly what you need.

We've all had that list of requirements when we were younger, the list of things we thought were good, all those qualities we wanted, all those traits we thought we needed.

And maybe we might have been wrong.

I know I was wrong.

I know you're not my dream guy, and I know you know you aren't as well.

But somehow, you're just everything that I want, without even me knowing it.

I just know its you that I want.

I think I'm starting to believe more in my choices.

If it feels right, it just somehow has to be. I don't know how or why yet, but somehow its just right.

Love, Joyce.

Day Six

"..can you meet me halfway,

right at the borderline,

that's where I'm going to wait, for you.."

Dear lonely isle,

Whenever we needed something, we went out and shopped for it.

What if what you needed was a man?

How does one shop for a man?

Unlike the inanimate, unalive dress, shoes or bag that a woman buys, a man is somewhat different.

For one, before you can bring him home as a purchase you've first got to get him to agree to that particular proposition.

So how does one get a man to say yes to 'I do'?

Like any other merchandise in Malaysia, choosing the wrong man will result in much unpleasantness in the attempt to get your money refunded, which is unlikely to say the least.

That aside, how do you know which man to choose?

Unlike clothes, shoes and bags, again, a man is hardly something you can buy several of to, you know, to change as and when the occasion demands.

The law states that one woman can purchase only one man at any one time.

Assuming I am to be a law-abiding citizen on this, how does one choose the man? (Of course, bear in mind that the man has to be conned into choosing you as well, so self-selling is of vital importance)

Do you buy the first shirt that you see?

So asks my mom all the time.

The shopping rationale behind this is very true, as most shoppers know. Sometimes we purchase something a little too quickly and find out later on that we made a rash choice because good things come to girls who wait.

But then again, sometimes the right choice merely depends on timing.

Something that didn't suit us then, may suit our fancy now.

As our mentality and needs change, so do our choices.

Something which may have been good for us back then, may have become the wrong choice now.

I guess, the same goes about men.

So how did our mothers do it? Finding the right man, the one whom we refer to right now as 'dad', or 'daddy', or 'father', or whatever it is that girls call their fathers these days.

At some point in life we need to stop choosing, and pick one already. And then bring it home and try to live with it.

But as every shopper also knows, despite the first shirt question above, sometimes we do find the first shirt to be the right one. And sometimes, we realize this after we've gone into every other store and seen all the other ones available. Perhaps there really was something about it that caught your eye the first time you saw it. And then, when we've finally decided to go and get it, after a lot of thinking, consideration and heartache (from parting with money), we find that it was already sold to the lady in red (or blue, or black, or green, insert your favourite colour, whatever, it doesn't matter. That lady isn't you.)

And then what do you do?

To say that you should have bought it sooner is rather unfair, as you were just being prudent.

And when it comes to shopping for a man, which you can only marry one at a time, being prudent is the most prudent thing one can do.

But what if you think you know he's the right one?

Sometimes we do get these little...signs, feelings, hunches, intuition, that this is it.

And we can't always be sure if we can trust it.

Then there's also the matter of convincing the dearly beloved other half (the purchase-to-be) to agree to your insane idea of marriage, and then from there, to convince both sets of parents that it isn't complete and utter madness.

It's just one of those things that seem incredibly and totally ridiculous to both yourself and your parents, but is actually rather normal for someone of your age.

It's just one of those things that seem incredibly far off to yourself, when in fact, you know that it should be incredibly, and probably uncomfortably, near, as an outsider looking in.

It's just one of those things.

I saw a bridal fair today.

When the lady at the counter asked if I was going to get married soon, I couldn't help but to answer yes.

Maybe the biological clock is ticking, and I'm finally hearing its cry of alarm.

Or, maybe I am right and this is it.

Am I scaring you yet?

If you plan to run away, let me go with you.

Love, Joyce.

The Lonely Girl

"..is there anybody home?
who will believe me, won't deceive me,
won't try to change me,
is there anybody home?
who wants to have me just to love me,
stuck in the middle.."

Dear lonely isle,

The other day when I had a meeting with my supervisor, I needed the formula for a phosphate buffer that I required for my thesis labwork. No worries I'm not going to bore you with the details of it :) I'm so nice aren't I? :P
Anyway, it was getting late (about 7pm that time) and we both wanted to get home and she did not have the formula with her. So the pretty lady said she'd mail it to my email and asked for the address. Upon writing it down, she asked "Lonely..isle? *laughs* was there a reason behind this?"

And that got me thinking for a bit.

Flashback to something that happened probably about a month or two ago, I can't really remember. But when is not the point anyway, it's what. I was showing a coursemate my blog because she wanted to see some photos I posted up.
I understand that not many people are a fan of Middle Earth and The Lord of the Rings, which is why I find myself explaining the meaning of Tol Eressea to so many people, and to which she replied "Why lonely isle? You have us, don't you?"

But I guess you were a long time ago.

Okay, not so much long as possibly about a decade ago? Or maybe sometime between a decade and half a decade ago. You didn't come up until I picked up J.R.R. Tolkien's greatest work, but still the essence of being you was there.

I guess, some time ago, I felt exactly like tol eressea. The lonely isle. Sitting all alone in an empty space in the ocean. Adrift and apart from others. Not so much in the physical sense (because I do not live on top of a mountain all by myself and neither do I stay in empty, lost caves alone and is described by the expression 'hermit', 'sage', or 'crazy lunatic'), but rather in the mental or emotional sense, I usually get confused at this part because my heart is often clever enough to sabotage my brain into thinking what I want is what I need.

I guess we all do go through a stage in life where we feel like we don't fit in. For me this happened sometime in the transition from childhood to growing up. Somehow, when you were a lot younger, (ie; below 3 feet) everyone was a friend. And as u grew taller, you find that sometimes that's not true. Sometimes you find yourself having no one you can call a 'friend'. And your world suddenly becomes this silent place with only the thoughts in your head to keep you company. I learnt to spend a lot of time on my own, and being by myself. I even learnt to talk to myself.

Yeah, internal monologue is definitely more fun when someone replies. Sometimes I wonder if that person really was me. Because that person, was you.

We'd talk about guys, fantasies, dreams. We'd laugh over funny shows and go through the best parts together. We'd cry over heartaches and sad times. Somehow it's pathetic and ironic how your best friend when you were small was yourself. But that's not all you were.

As I grew up, so did you. You grew from someone who kept me company to someone who always kept me in check. I guess you turned into a conscience. Of some sort.

You'd push me to do more, work harder, and you'd always ask for more than I can give. You'd scold when I make mistakes and comfort me when I fail. You'd tell me that I can cry as much as I want, but when I'm done I need to get back to work.

Sometimes I wonder where I find the drive to do things, to try to reach further and higher, to just keep holding on. To break down and rebuild myself. And to know that I don't have to like something to still do my best in it.

I'd like to take credit for all that, but really, even if it was me, it wasn't this me.

It seems pretty weird to blog to yourself, when it comes right down to this, but I guess it's just like old times. You and me have come a long way baby, and we don't really need paper or pen to talk.

I guess I just got so used to talking to you.

But somewhere along the way I learnt to make friends, and learnt to let people into my world; my thoughts, my heart, myself. And then the world suddenly seemed a lot less quiet. I learnt to like conversations with other people, and talking. Maybe that's why I can't shut up nowadays; I needed to make up for lost time.

Things are different now. I know I'm not the lonely little girl I used to be, but some part of me will always be that lonely isle, because there's always this little part of me that looks in from the outside, like an observer of my life. And that little part of me, is always alone.

You know how you can feel alone even when you're in a room full of people?
I think everyone does, every now and then.

But it's okay, because the rest of the time, it doesn't feel that way.
Not anymore.

Love, Joyce.

You & I

"..cos you and I both love,
what you and I spoke of,
and others only dream of,
others only dream of the love,
of the love that I love.."

Dear lonely isle,

Relationships. The bond between two people.
A mystery for some, the source of revelations for others.
The extent of an understanding between two souls.
The window to another person's world.
The measure of which we define how much of ourselves we allow others to see, to know, and to hurt.

Relationships can be simple, yet at times messy, complicated and wet.
But they can also be beautiful.

A relationship is the chemistry between two people, the reaction that occurs when two different elements are brought together. And sometimes we can never really predict the chemistry that happens between two people, and even less so why it happens, or how it occurs.

And we can mostly never quite predict, where the chemistry leads, and how long it will last, or how soon it will end.

Though not always, sometimes we find out, in time, why they end.

We are constantly drawn to other people because humans weren't meant to be alone. We constantly seek out the company of others, ever trying to find someone we can connect to. Even the most anti-social of us would still seek the solace of a chatroom or instant messaging online. Even if we can't see that someone or hear his voice, we still find this need to connect.
To communicate. The reason why humans are constantly involved in relationships; be it man, creature, the unseen, the artificial or the imaginary.

Even more intriguing is our need to belong somewhere, the need to belong to someone. To have that someone special.

Even the coldest of women and the most macho of men will desire, somewhere deep in the recesses of their hearts to have that someone. For some individuals, that someone changes with each passing moon, or with each passing night. For others, it is a bond that they hope, will last a lifetime. Or hopefully long enough to see them through cold nights and hard years.

We form a relationship because we need something from the other person, something we cannot fulfill ourselves. Something that only that someone special can make you feel. Which is why some people define their love as being complete, because that someone completes you. Because that someone is your other half.

But for some, relationships aren't that sweet.

Sometimes we can't really discern why or how we end up in a relationship that takes up all of us; all the space we breathe, all the energy we have, all the emotions we contain. Sometimes we don't understand why we still hang on.

Usually, we can never really know when it's time to say goodbye.

And even though we think its for the best of both, we find it hard to let go. Because we've shared so much, gave so much of ourselves, devoted so much of our life and memories to the idea of a relationship.
Because we gave so much of our most precious asset; our time.

Relationships mean different things to different people, and there are no two that are alike. Because we are all different. It is only logical that our relationships be as varied and as colourful as we are. Even with time, relationships change, because people change.

Sometimes for better, and at others, for worse.

And if that's anything to go by; it's that people can change. That given the right drive, intentions and emotions, they will.

But then there are times we have to stop believing in dead dreams, and realize we've hit a dead end.

Relationships are never perfect, and can never be perfect. It's only as good as it gets. Because people are not perfect. Humans weren't made perfect. It is the flaw in creation that makes us appreciate beauty and strive for perfection. Just as the flaw in people that makes us appreciate a relationship and strive to improve.

At the end of the day, we'd like to think we know what is best for ourselves, and who is best, or right for us. The world may say otherwise, but the choice is ours to make. And its also up to us to convince ourselves that we made the right one. Every day.

And hopefully, we get proven right.

I'd like to think I got my answer to my decision.
Because I believe in my heart that I got it right.

love, Joyce.

Growing Pains

"..stop and stare,
you start to wonder why you're here not there,
and you'd give anything to get what's fair,
but fair ain't what you really need,
can you see what I see?.."

Dear lonely isle,

Have you ever thought about how you were when you were younger?
What you wanted to be when you grow up.
What you thought you'd be when you grow up.
And where you actually are now.

Have you ever had big dreams?
Things that seemed so possible when you were a lot shorter.
And a lot smaller.
And when you weren't quite as knowledgeable as you are today.
(knowledgeable, because there are times I feel stupider than my younger self)

Have you ever wondered what happened to them?

Do you sometimes feel frustrated with yourself?
Because everything you thought you would be, turned out so completely the other way.
Because all the confidence you used to have, faded away with each wave of reality crashing on your shores.
Because even after all these years, you still remain that little girl inside.

That the butterfly in you never emerged.
Realizing that you were meant to spend your life as a hairy caterpillar.

As we grow up, somehow the world grew smaller, and darker.
And greyer.

And sometimes you realize that maybe the world looked a lot better then because you hadn't learn to see very well yet.

Sometimes I feel that way.

And I realize I've come a long long way.
A long way from the little girl in braids (4 to be exact) and ponytails.
A long way from the little girl in tights and ballet leotard and hair all done up in a bun.
A really long way from the little girl that thought she would grow up to be blond.

You learn that sometimes even though you really believed in something, it will never, ever come true.

Other times you learn that the things you don't like will never, ever go away.
That they will never get intimidated by you just because you're a lot bigger and fatter now.
Or wiser (I hope) than you were.

Then there are lessons you learn as you get older.
That friends are hard to find. And even harder to keep.
That your parents are the only people in the world that will love you unconditionally.
That there really is no such thing as justice, or truth, or mercy in this world, save the virtues you hold in your heart.
That you can only be responsible for yourself. And that you should be the only person you're responsible for and accountable to.
That everything between God and you, is between God and you. No one should dictate otherwise.
That everything you do, will come back to bite you in the ass one day. And that's a promise as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.
That people don't like you instantaneously upon meeting you. If you're not utterly alone and truly hated by the world, you must have done something right to at least one person.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back and do things differently.
Sometimes you wish you knew then what you knew now.

But at other times, you realize all those mistakes you made, made you the person you are today.

And sometimes, that's not quite so bad. Because eventually, you learn the lesson of learning to live with yourself.

With what you can do.
With what you didn't do.
With what you didn't achieve.
With what you did.
And hopefully, with what you will.

love, Joyce.

More Than Words

"..listen as your day unfolds,
challenge what the future holds,
try and keep your head up to the sky,
many things may cause you tears,
go ahead release your fears,
stand up and be counted,
don't be ashamed to cry.."

Dear lonely isle,

Life is fragile.

But it is also beautiful.

Sometimes it doesn't turn out quite they way we want it to.

But that's because we're not looking from the right angle.

Sometimes we just need to focus on what's important,
and what makes living beautiful.

Failures and sadness can make your heart weep
only for as long as you allow it to.

But every once in awhile, we need to to take a step back,
and see the big picture.

To remember where we came from, and how far we've come.
To find out where we are,
and to see where we're going.

So that we never lose track of ourselves.

love, Joyce.

Two Years

"..sometimes the only way to make it through
with hearts and wrists intact
is to realize
that two out of three ain't bad.."

Dear lonely isle,

When you're down on the ground, sometimes life kicks you in the stomach and shoves sand into your mouth.

And sometimes, life extends a hand.

There are times when things go from bad to worse, and then there are times when it seems luck has not totally forsaken you yet.

The thing is, we can never tell if it's just gonna drizzle, or if it's gonna pour.

But we can try to prepare for all eventualities. Some of us carry pepper spray in our handbags when we go out, and others keep a club under the bed.

Some of us close off our hearts.

Leaving behind all you hold dear to venture off into foreign land is akin to stabbing yourself in the heart and watch yourself bleed to death on the floor. Being mortally wounded as so, it's hard sometimes to open up to new places, and new faces.

Some have it easier than others, some have it going tough. But nothing is quite as tough as going it alone.

To shut yourself in, taking in everything new; weird, bizarre, strange, unpleasant, foreign - by yourself. You're alone because you're the only one in your heart.

Every moment shared is twice the memory, and every fear shared is half the burden.
Every step taken together is already half the journey.

There's a big difference knowing that you can go home to someone waiting to hear about your day, and going home to an empty room. Just like there's a difference knowing there's someone at the other end of the line you can cry to who won't judge you and no one picking up the phone. And that makes all the difference in the world.

Sometimes what makes life a bit more bearable is being able to be honest. Not just to the ones you left behind, but also to the ones you face tomorrow. To be able to laugh or to smile, and to know it comes from the heart, and to be able to cry, and know that it's okay even when you're not alone. In the bathroom. Or in your room in the dark. When everyone else is asleep.

Sometimes you feel like you put your life on hold, an imaginary hand pushing the imaginary Pause button, when you step into that airplane and leave behind your true self. And that everytime you touch down, you put on a mask. And sometimes, I wonder why.

And like a child taking first steps, I find myself learning how to trust once more. To slowly be able to walk with others. I've learnt that shadows are just shadows, and even though sometimes the lights can make them look really long, they only get as dark and as scary as you let them be.

Because there will always be shadows, and there will always be dark corners.
But there will only be fear for as long as you allow yourself to be afraid.

Sometimes the difference between yesterday and today is only a matter of perspective. But then again, that’s what’s been differentiating then from now, what makes then become then, and the you in the mirror today, now.

This is my life.
It's time I lived it.

All of it.

No matter where I am.

My flight from home is only two and a half hours long, but it took me two years to get here.

love, Joyce.

Constant Change

Dear lonely isle,

Today someone said, the only constant thing in the world is change.
Somehow I find that so ironic, don't you?

love, joyce.

The (Very Long) Journey

"..I'll be there,
some day.."

Dear lonely isle,

We all start somewhere at the beginning. Doesn't matter what kind of beginning, but the important thing is to start somewhere. Doesn't matter if we're late, so as long as we start somewhere. And starting is always better than not starting at all.
But after you start, when does it end?
Where does it end?
How does it end?
Actually for me, I'm more interested in, how long more do I have to go?
How much further is there?
Yes, even as I start this semester I'm already wishing it will end. Soon. Tomorrow. Preferably right now.
Even as my plane touches down in Sabah, I am already raring to go back.
Somewhere at the back of my mind I am vaguely aware that I have been telling people who spend all their time studying to relax a little and enjoy their days of university life, but yet i neglect to do the same.

It's hard to enjoy anything when all your longing is directed some place else.

Or for that matter, to be more precise, at someone who is some place else.

Everyone keeps saying that you will appreciate your study days when you start the phenomena known and feared by some part of the population of the adults, loved and worshipped by other parts, and maybe loathed even more by some. Maybe it all depends on what line of work you do, how much you like it to begin with, and what are your salary prospects. Maybe even the environment of your workplace plays some role in how strongly you feel towards dragging yourself out of bed at an ungodly hour to do an honest day's work.

For me, who knows, dreary as my future work promises to be, tearfully boring as I predict it to be, painfully aware of how bright (or in my case, how awfully dim) my career prospects are, maybe what I look forward to in the future, is to going home.

Maybe home is not what I envision it to be in future, maybe home will be a flimsy illusion of what I imagine now. After all, when you spend so much time away, who's to say you'll get along living in such close proximity everyday. Who's to know how tight spaces will drive you further away, rather than encourage you to be closer. Maybe there won't even be this future I speak of to begin with. Maybe we never got that far.

But what are humans without faith? As what are humans without folly?

Yes, to have faith, you must also have folly. Otherwise we cannot believe. Trust is something you do not do, if you are wholly rational, or thinking. It is when we suspend logical analysis that we put faith into our hearts and allow ourselves to step blindly off into no man's land.
Well, being human as I am, I am not without faith (as I am also not without folly).
And somehow, here we are, right at the beginning.

It looks to be a very long journey.

And even as I take the first step, I find myself asking,

Are we there yet?

love, joyce.

It's Nice

"..hearts are worn in these dark ages,
you're not alone in this story's pages.."

Dear lonely isle,

Sometimes when the world feels so cold, it's nice to know someone still watches out for you.

It's nice to know that when you have nothing left to eat but maggi, there is still some place you can go where someone will cook specially just for you. And no, I'm not talking about ordering food at a stall. For this person, the only currency accepted is friendship.

It's also nice to know that on days you feel like nobody cares, someone still cares enough to remind you to drink water, rest more, sleep early and to eat dinner. And that if that person was told that dinner was somehow conveniently yet again 'forgotten', someone will have a lot of answering to do.

It's also nice to know that you're always welcomed some place, and you can come anytime so as long as the person who welcomes you is home.

It's a nice feeling to have, on days you feel like the stupidest person alive when someone cares enough to boost your confidence by telling you that you're already the best, so it's okay. Especially when you have a memory so short you're on the verge of having amnesia.

It's a nice feeling inside when someone remembers you're the one who sleeps at odd hours and will most definitely oversleep and skip breakfast, and so makes you a sandwich that morning to eat in class.

It's nice when someone cares enough to run from the lecture halls to pass you some Panadols when you're in another faculty because you're having a headache and need some relief. It's even nicer when that person offered to. And reminds you not to drive home alone in your state of pain and tiredness lest you drive into a tree (if you're lucky). And asks to be notified when you have reached home in one piece, whole and unspoiled.

It's nice to know someone like that.

I know, because I do.

love, joyce.

Hanging By A Moment

"..I'm living for the only thing I know,

I'm running and i question where to go,

and I don't know what I'm tapping into,

just hanging by a moment here with you.."

Dear lonely isle,

That day after lecture I was chatting with some girls from Industrial Chemistry. We were comparing Form 6 and uni. It was then I realised that I really enjoyed form 6.

I enjoy everything with you guys.

Even sucky math tuition late at night :)

Or chem tuition on Saturdays.

When I think of form 6, the things that come to mind are:

• Cheng Choo & Chee Wei ;P The best sleeping buddies. Ever. I love you guys!
• Insect catching. Or in my case, observing insect catching. Hehe it's an excuse to hang out with you guys and go out every evening >.<"
• Cockroach hunting. Ben Lim shares my fear :P I will never forget that.
• Collecting plant samples to press. Aka Driving The Car Around & Stealing Plants.
• Duty days on Monday :) At one point it became Analyse ES Day. The day my brain will be put to work and taxed over & over again with the same questions, forcing me to repeat my answers in various different forms or formulating new solutions :P Naturally she doesn't listen to me. She never does >.<" Which is why I keep answering the same questions.
• MPT5 & 6 Atas. I had fun :) Lots of it. Scraping pass end year exams was worth it. Or did I fail my Peng. Am?
• Slavery on Fridays, Saturdays and various different days, depending on our beloved slave driver, Pn. Loh ;) What other kind of slavery can you sing all you want? Hehe I love choir practices. Miss singing with you guys so much..
• Outings. Either in Chloe or Nicole ;p Singing to songs on the radio and going round eating.
• Supper every weekend . Or most weekends.
• JB trip.

Can you bring back those times?

I didn't like STPM, but I'd go through it all over again with you guys than to be alone here.

I miss you guys.

love, joyce.

Amen

"..well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you,

when you think everything's okay and everything's going right,

and life has a funny way of helping you out,

when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face,

and isn't it ironic?.."

Dear lonely isle,

I think someone up there likes me.

If 2 years ago, someone were to tell me that a certain boy was gonna be very important to me I would have laughed. Sure I thought he was cute, but nothing more.

Then, as if to prove my point, he left my school. Off to Taylors to study A levels.

So I went through form six without another thought of him, other than as a stranger passing through my life. There was no news from him, neither did we keep in touch.

In those 2 years I spent my time feeling sorry for myself and rather lonely and thinking that stupid things like love only happened to other people. And to further support my theory I had a few crushes on various people, none of which worked out.

And so it went on, until I finally accepted that since it's not going to happen, I might as well be happy with my life, as I've been blessed with wonderful friends who love me very much. It's a different kind of love, but love nontheless. Just stopped looking and stopped being silly and stopped wondering when my turn will come.

Then one day, he made re-entry.

First through MSN, we chatted. I enjoyed talking to him and he seemed very interesting. Better still, somewhere deep in the recesses of my memory I could still remember his name and how he looked like. He wanted to arrange a meet-up before we all killed ourselves after getting STPM results, so after many postponings we finally met up, him and a group of us, the night before STPM results.

After that, well this girl found herself tripping and falling head over heels in love, and the rest they say, is history. Though it's really recent history by the looks of it.

So now, this coming 24th would be our third month together and already I'm missing him so much every day.

Just goes to show, you'll never know. Haha and I guess my friends were right.

They keep telling me it'll come when you least expect it.

And sometimes, with the person you least expect too.

love, joyce.

Disillusioned

"..don't wanna wake up alone anymore,
still believing you'll walk through my door,
all I need is to know it's for sure,
then I'll give all the love in the world.."

Dear lonely isle,

If there ever was a time I felt the future to be uncertain, now would be it.
I've always imagined what it would be like to be loved, but I never thought that one day it might just happen. So maybe some part of me cannot accept this alien concept of being loved. So maybe some part of me doesn't believe it to be true.
When you're not sure of what you see, when you don't know what he's feeling, can you really determine if it's true?

I believe this. I know I do.
It's just some small part deep inside that doesn't really believe that this is happening.

I'm afraid to close my eyes at night, because I don't want to wake up and be told that everything's just a dream.
I don't want to go to sleep because I want to know that the now I'm living in is real.
And if it isn't, then I never want to wake up.

The only thing I'm certain of is the way I feel, and right now, I can tell you, I'm happy.
Just so extremely happy, I don't want this to end.

I'm sorry I'm so insecure.

love, joyce.

Sunken Treasure

"..don't let your life pass you by,
weep not for the memories.."

Dear lonely isle,

We often wonder what lies ahead of us, but we can never know, till we reach our destination.
And sometimes, to find out, maybe even out of habit, we look back.

And therein lies our past. We look upon it as one might upon an old friend, or sometimes as one might upon a skeleton in one's closet. But no matter how we perceive it, it remains still a past. Our past. That which has already come to pass.
And try as we might too, there are just some things that you cannot forget, and still more you cannot remember. Some memories lie in an archive hidden away, locked, and far beyond our reach, though it still lies within us. Others we wish to erase, to deny its existance, but to no avail.

Why is it that we cannot forget those we wish to cease remembering, and why is it we forget that which we wish to remember?

Strong memories are never really lost, and though they may fade, many things may trigger its recollection, like a bubble rises to the surface. Strangely, it is all in our heads. Everything we have ever done, seen, touched, discover, or learned is all contained in our mind. We may forget them for a while, but should the right stimulation presents itself, we remember once more.

Sometimes maybe we shouldn't. Yet on other occassions we are glad for the reminder.
Still, it is but just a memory. A flimsy thread into a past that is lost to us forever.

But then again, maybe some things are better off lost.

love, joyce.

Old Stuff

"..here I go,
scream my lungs out,
and try to get to you,
you are my only one.."

Dear lonely isle,

You know how it's like when it's time to clear your room. Time to take out all the things you don't need and putting them in a big cardboard box before throwing them away.
But the longer you've had them, the harder it is to throw away.
That old toy you used to play with when you were younger, now nothing but excess baggage in the closet.
Your favourite skirt, now a few sizes to small.
Old books, clothes, trophies, toys. Old stuff.
But the thing with old stuff is, even though they're broken, or missing some bits, they contain more memories than you think. And nothing wears better than an old stuff.
Old stuff are like fats, they cling to your heart and internal organs, like shock absorbers and security blankets. But one day, you just know, it's time to say goodbye.
So how do you say goodbye to people?
Like old stuff, they've been around. And even though you haven't seen them for some time, you just know that they'd always have a special place in your heart.
And even when they leave you, there'd always be things that will remind you of their presence.
Little things like familiar sights, sounds, smells...
So how do you say goodbye to people?
No matter how you try, it never ever gets easier.
You'd think that after the first few, you'd eventually get over it. Or maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad anymore.
But's it's not just something you get used to...
I wonder why.
Sometimes you wonder if life is just a long string of goodbyes.
People come into your life and leave again.
Some leave dust bunnies in your heart. Others are like a muddy footprint that won't wash off the carpet. Although many come and go empty handed, there are always some that leave with a handful of your heart. A rare few even take enough of you home for friends and relatives.
But who's to say you left empty handed?
Maybe, without even knowing, you took with you a pinch of thought, and a sprinkle of love and a lifetime of rememberance (for possibly spilling honey on the couch, but that's not really the point). So who knows, when you're gone, you might actually be missed.
So how do you say goodbye to people?

I prefer au revoir.
Till the seeing again.

love, joyce.

Sinners, Sheep, and Self-preservation

"..dont' go chasin' waterfalls,
please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to,
I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all,
but I think you're moving too fast.."

Dear lonely isle,

Forgive me for I have sinned.
I have erred.
Forgive me for I have commited that which I should not.
Forgive me mine foolishness and wipe away my stain, so that I may be redeemed and whole once more.
Cleanse the soul so that it may once again be pure.
Give the ailing heart a reason so that blessed it will be once more.
Grant peace and salvation unto me.

Humans are sinners. It's the way we were possibly made.
If we're lucky, we might just happen to live a life that isn't quite that sinful, but for many of us, truly we need to be saved.
Like lost sheep that venture the wilderness, we turn on ourselves, finding that meat tasted better, we became cannibals and ate our own kind, forsaking the bland taste of grass and wheat, embracing the wild, sweet forbidden meat.
Truly, we seemed to have evolved into dogs.
We chew the occassional bone when we have to, but nothing satisfies like a huge, raw steak.
And what could compete with the craving of sinking our teeth into another of our kind?
Dog eat dog world indeed.
Eat, or be eaten. Kill, or be killed. (Nevermind you don't like how it tastes. Your opponent probably never tried anything more flavourful than carrot. But that's not the point.)
Carnivore, vegetarian, humanitarian or no, there's just something in us that tends to herd us towards our own destruction.
Consider the facts we learn in biology. Every species that lives, has among other things, a main purpose in life. Get born, get bigger, get laid, get offspring, get dead.
Ok. Maybe not the get dead part, but the rest is pretty much the same.
They lived to propagate. To produce offspring for the continuation of the species. Anything to ensure that the future generation exists, nevermind if it may become competition later and have to be killed. Self-preservation is important after all. But the bottomline is, you did your duty.
But the thing about humans is, we somehow developed a brain, which lead to people like this, and blogs like this in which yours truly is typing out obscene gibberish in the hope unravelling the true mystery of mankind. Or maybe the reason why we live. Or why we have a brain. It doesn't matter.
The thing is, we think too much. And with thinking, what starts our as a plan to ensure our survival; building better houses, growing larger crops, building nuclear bombs to protect ourselves, etc, etc, etc; we somehow divert along the way, and accelerate full speed ahead in the direction of our destruction, ie. nuking the neighbouring country for looking at us in a threatening way. (Note that in some aspects we are pretty much like our 'unthinking' cohabitants on this earth, when we turn something in the nature of continuation of the species into something of the continuation of our own survival. Truly, self-preservation is built into us. But I'm getting ahead of myself here, we'll return to this soon.)
As I was saying. We follow the logical thinking of humans.
I live to propagate my species. I live to pass on my genes to the next generation. I live so that would be a next generation. Therefore, it is vital that I live.
For if I did not live, where would they come from?
Truly, the instinct for self preservation is strong within us.
But when our instinct for self preservation leads us to self destruction, truly, I stand in awe, there is nothing more amazing, or more ridiculous than humans.
We started off rather well, being primal and all. Then we developed philosophy, which lead to other things like education and thinking, and then we end up like this.
So, first we knew we had to propagate. Then we realised that to propagate, it is vitally important to look out for number one. Then it dawns on us that to do that, we must eliminate current competition. It just so happens everyone else thought about that too.
Ok so maybe not everyone of us is out to kill our neighbours and potential rivals, but somehow, as a whole, humanity seems to like jumping off cliffs, running away from the plague that hasn't arrived yet.
You could say we dug our own grave. I mean, it's not like you can trust anyone to do it better.

So maybe what's wrong with us is that I've been thinking too much.
Guilty as stated, really. I've just handed over the proof.

Yes, yes, I know I should go find something better to do with my time then to type silly things like this...

love, joyce.

Circle Of Life

"..I watch the heavens and I find a calling,
something I can do to change this moment,
stay close to me, while the sky is falling,
don't wanna be left alone,
don't wanna be alone.."

Dear lonely isle,

Let's see. Your life is going nowhere. The future ends with a dark cliff overlooking a deep chasm and for the life of you you cannot tell if there is a bridge linking the present you to the bright clear mountains in the distance.
It's also dark, stormy and sufficiently depressing. No moon, no stars, no sky in sight. The sights are covered in cloud, fog, mist and god else knows what.
So. The burning question: What do you do?
It seems I've been asking this question quite a bit lately. And no, I'm not getting any replies, which is probably why I go on asking them again and again.
Even so, if there were replies, how would you know which is the right answer?
Which is the true path? Who gives the certain answer? No. More correctly, who gives the answer to the right ends? Which answer leads us there?
Again. No answers.
That's life. You live day to day without knowing what tomorrow will bring. Everyday is yet another question, another quiz, another test against our decision-making skills. Not knowing how today's answer will affect tomorrow's life.
And every mistake you make, rests on your shoulders.
The thing is, you'll never know when your next decision will become your next mistake.
It's a game. An adrenaline-inducing game. Where the fate of yourself and everyone you know and don't may very well rest in your hands, in the very choice you make.
There are no rules save one. Live today, to decide tomorrow.
So everyday we wake up and make our choices. Most of us play it safe, and make the same choices everyday.
But nothing is foolproof. Because not everyone makes the same decisions everyday. And should paths cross, something happens. For good, for bad, it's not important.
The only thing that matters is you live another day. Come tomorrow, we will decide once again.
Funny, but we never really realise how much power we have in our hands. Nor are we fully aware of the responsiblities and consequences that come with such enormity.
Half the time we don't even know what we are doing everyday. We tend to get lost living in the moment too often to realise.
And so we come a full circle.

And people wonder why the earth spins on it's axis. Everyday. Why does the sun set, and rise. Everyday.
Because, everything, eventually, comes a full circle.

And every decision you make will come back to bite you in the ass one day.
And that's a promise.

love, joyce.

A Girl's Life

"..and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time,
I want what's yours and I want what's mine,
I want you,
but I'm not giving in this time.."

Dear lonely isle,

You keep giving till you've got no more.
Then what do you do?
Continue to empty yourself?
What do you do?
Things happen. That's how they start.
Then further things happen.
Then they end.
Then so it begins, all over again. A cycle of things.
Even though sometimes we don't see the pattern, we can tell it repeats. Life is a series of repeats.
I don't know when I start. Or even why.
But it begins.
Then it goes on for a while. I say awhile because I cannot predict how long it will continue.
And then, suddenly, like how it came, I realise it's no longer there.
I don't know when it stopped. I don't know why.
So the cycle continues.
Some people don't stop. Others don't start.
What makes us go? What makes us stay?
What makes me unable to comprehend myself?
Maybe now I know. Maybe I think I know, but in actual fact, I still haven't got a clue...
So the best is to leave things be. I find that works best.
Just ignore it. Leave it alone and it'll go away by itself soon enough.
Do nothing about it, and no one gets hurt.
That's what it's all about, isn't it?
So no one gets hurt.
It comes. It makes my life miserable for a time. It has its fill of my misery. Then it leaves.
It comes. It bothers me. It leaves.
Simple, no?
Foolproof, yes?
Exactly.

I always knew I was quite bright.
But it never hurts to be sure.

love, joyce.

Deja Vu

"..Mr. Deja Vu,
kimi ga inai,
maboroshi ni natta hibi
kizuitara kimi ga inai,
tokei no hari ugokanai,
speak to me.."

Dear lonely isle,

These few days have been a challenge for me.
I don't know why but I feel very drained. I am constantly tired. Yet I do not sleep.
And every day it gets worse. So much so that right now, every time I sit down, my body threatens to shut down, and even now, I feel my eyelids getting heavy.
When I stop talking, I feel the fatigue set in. When I rest or stand still I sway, because I don't have the strength to keep upright.
I can't lean on things, because if I shift my weight onto something else, I'm in danger of falling asleep.
I don't know why, but I refuse to sleep.
If life is one long nightmare, when will we wake up?
Then by going to sleep do we wake up?
Then the dream is the reality, and reality is a dream.
But what is truly real?
Is it what we feel, what we touch what we see?
Or is it what our mind tells us to be real?
Going through life in a daze now, the lines blur and I cannot be sure what is and what isn't.
So when we close our eyes at night, we see what we think, what we believe. But is that a dream?
Is the world we see in our minds more real than the reality?
What is reality other than a place for us to feel?
In our minds we are truly free. Free from constraints and everything else. So freedom in reality isn't freedom.
No one can take away the sights and sounds in your head.
A painting that exists only in the imagination. A symphony yet to be composed, already played in the mind like a bad pop song. A story yet to be told, already unfurled and unfolded in the head.
What are they? Might-have-beens?
Or are they real? Do they not exist only because it hasn't been fleshed? Because it only lives in the mind?
What is real?
What is not?

Do we dream? Or do we live the dream?

love, joyce.