Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Bad Feelings

Dear lonely isle,

I have a bad feeling.
Actually let me rephrase that; I had a bad feeling just now.
Maybe that's still not entirely correct, the bad feeling has not yet passed.
Therefore, I am having a bad feeling. Sounds about right, no?
Okay lets start over.

" the end of the day,
its what you do and say,
that makes you who you are.."

Dear lonely isle,

I am having a bad feeling.
Of all the feelings I could be having about anything in particular, this has got to be the worst feeling I can have about this particular thing.
Maybe it was the bad dream I had this afternoon. Maybe it wasn't what I thought it was about.
Maybe it was the strange dream I had two nights ago.
Do you believe in foreboding? Do you believe in premonition, precognition, clairvoyance?
Do you believe in bad feelings?

But its only the start of the year. It should not start with a bad feeling.
Please let it not start with this bad feeling.
I am trying to be hopeful, but..actually I dare not say it. I'm afraid that if I'd even admit it to myself it might come true. And then when it did, I'd have to say that it really did happen.

I don't know what am I doing. I'm starting to see warning signs but I'm still charging full speed ahead.
I know I need to stop but I cannot stop myself.

Maybe I haven't been trying hard enough.
Truly, this has gone on long enough.
I must do something about this. I must.

I have ceased trying to be hopeful. Hope does not run events or get things done.
Hope does not get from trying to accomplishing.
Correction; I need to cease trying to be hopeful.
Hopefulness was what I hoped was enough.

So in myself I must place my trust. I will get things done.

So, even in the event that this bad feeling has a possibility somewhere in the future of coming true, I will snub it out by changing the course of actions starting from this very moment.

Truly I need to have more control of myself than what is currently happening to my willpower over my appetite.
I will be able to.

Honestly, I can't help but feel that this blog is truly, entirely and only for myself. The rambling monologue is nothing but a series of confusion for anyone else who tries to understand it.
I have gone from analogy to abstract to vague to currently, just indecipherable crap.

But it is something I need to get off of my chest. It would be nice to be reassured that its just pre-holiday jitters or overanxiety or whatnot, but since that option is not available to me, I guess this outlet will just have to do for now.

Bad feeling, please go away.

Love, Joyce.