Lost

"..Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep

and doesn't know where to find them

Leave them alone and they'll come home

bringing their tails behind them.."

Sometimes I feel like one of her sheep. Despite the fact that I have herd mentality I also have this insane and annoying ability of getting lost.

Yes it is true. I have the sense of direction of a bat with a broken sonar.

Uncanny knack for getting lost in the literal sense aside, I also tend to get lost in all sorts of other ways as well.

Lost in thought, lost in emotions, lost in decisions, really, the list can go on.

I must have been born with a broken compass, in every sense of the word.

How is it that some people are always so sure of themselves, no matter what, how or where they find themselves to be?

How is it that some people are as sure-footed and as stable as cats, always, always landing on their feet whenever they fall, no matter the height?

Why is it that most of us are born without the natural grace and elegance of a gifted few?

I, for one, have always managed, with a hundred percent success rate, to fall flat on my face every time I trip. It's somehow like Murphy's Law. There is an unwritten rule somewhere that says whenever Joyce falls down, its always facedown, preferably in a puddle of mud. Probably because she tripped over her own feet.

If at anytime at all, should you delight in watching me go to pieces, the answer is simple; give me a choice.

Its a surefire way to watch me unravel at the seams and slowly come undone.

Its quite simple, anyone will tell you choices are better than none. People always want to choose. At anytime you want to distract someone, make them feel like they're in power; you give them a choice, and let them choose.

I've always felt that choices are double-edged swords, and either way you're going to get cut. Its sad to say, but its probably true that I've always preferred to follow than to lead. Whenever it came to the choice between the greater good or to let everyone die nobly, I will probably go down in history as the most useless leader, by allowing voting to happen.

Even when I know what I want I can barely make a decision, when I don't know what I want, a simple choice can reduce me to tears.

Confidence, confidence. I seem to be missing you lately.

Wherefore art thou?

Love, Joyce.

The Show

"..I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

life is a maze, love is a riddle

I don't know where to go, can't do it alone

I've tried, and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared, but I don't show it

I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down

I know, I've got to let it go.."

Dear lonely isle,

The other day I overheard something I wished I didn't.

Okay, maybe overheard was the wrong word, because it wasn't even overhearing in the very least.

So let's amend it.

The other day something was spoken in my presence which I wished wasn't.

Because if God pitied us he'd have make it possible to unhear things.

To say that I'm bothered by it would be an understatement. It's starting to worry me more and more. I try not to think about it, but its just never far from my mind.

Sometimes I wonder why I have to work. Now I wonder no more.

It's not something I can do anything about, so it seems rather silly to let it occupy my thoughts. But alas, paranoia and needless worrying is something I'm rather inclined to do.

These days I worry more about the future. I wonder if its got to do with growing up.

I've been blessed a hundred times over, growing up in the environment I did. Maybe its time to give back.

Just the other day, the most worry-free girl I know at work turned to me and said, "You know, I woke up this morning and thought about quitting at the end of the month. This job is really quite stressful."

And then I sat up a little straighter in my chair.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or if there must be something wrong with me.

It's true that there are days that going to work seemed more painful than being drawn and quartered, I don't deny.

But at the same time, I've just never considered quitting. True I do sometimes imagine what I'd do if I didn't have to work, but no I've never given the idea that I'd decide to stop much thought.

Sometimes life is just a lot easier and less complicated when there's just the work in front of you that needs to be done. But at the same time, when you find yourself the only person who feels that way, sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with the work or if there's something wrong with me. Everytime someone tells me that they're thinking of getting another job, its like a slap in the face, because I again wonder what am I doing here.

I don't think it matters much either way, because whether I stay or I don't it doesn't make me think less about what I heard that I wished so much I didn't hear, neither does it make things better if I do stay. Leaving might make things worse, but then again, nothing I do seems to matter very much in the scale of things.

I'm just one person, and I'm supposed to do what I need to do, and I should do what I'm supposed to do till I can't, and as one person doing something is better than one person not trying at all.

So I'm still sitting on the raft in the middle of the ocean, not quite sure if I should paddle with the current, against it, or if I should paddle at all. Clearly I'm not going anywhere, but I don't have anywhere to go.

I really wish I weren't so lost.

Shima, where are you? I need to talk :(

Love, Joyce.

21 Guns

"..your faith walks on broken glass

and the hangover doesn't pass

nothing's ever built to last

you're in ruins.."

Dear lonely isle,

Notable thing of today: spoke so much chinese speaking in any other language felt pretty foreign for awhile. Oh, and I actually thought in chinese for awhile too.

Somehow, it seems pretty small.

Everything seems pretty small after awhile, when you've had enough time to get away from it and look at it from a distance.

Somehow, its all I've been feeling.

Gosh. Is it that time of the month again?

It sucks to be the girl always associated with this affliction, but what sucks even more is that it somehow seems to be true.

I think I need to do something with my life.

The other day as I watched season 5 of Desperate Housewives, I mused as I watched Tom and Lynette fight because the tired wife had fallen asleep during a sex session. The next day, Tom had said, "Do you know why sex with you has become so important to me lately? Its because the only thing that I'm passionate about in my life right now, is you."

And I think I understand truly.

I am all for and always with condoning living life with passion, but somehow, just like how Tom felt silly about sharing it, so do I; I don't have anything I'm passionate about.

Sometimes I wonder if there are people out there who feel this way.

Because all the other people I've known and met aren't like that. Everyone has...something that they're passionate about. It could be their job, a pet, animals in general, a hobby, an idea, a culture, the environment, something.

I don't even have anything imaginary to the passionate about.

Some people are passionate about living itself. Striving, pushing forward, and always wanting to improve.

Sometimes I wonder if being a lazy person has anything to do with it.

I mean..I understand that I am a lazy person. But to the extent where I am passionate about nothing because I do not put in enough effort to be passionate about something? If that is so then I guess I have never felt so ashamed in my life before.

Most of the time I feel like half an adult, like a child not fully grown, because even children are more passionate than I am.

Someone once told me that this is a syndrome of people who are too well endowed in the upper regions; note: brain. If such is true I'd give away my grades for half the passion that any normal person has.

Sometimes, on days like these I feel like my life is one long, straight line from point A to point B. And much as I'd like to pretend how interesting point A and point B is, and how eventful the journey from former to latter was, I'm afraid I'd only be lying. My life is just as eventful, and just as interesting as 2 points on a sheet of plain white paper, with a ruler-straight line connecting them. And that was very painful to say.

Perhaps its better to be boring and uneventful than to be filled with sorrow and pain. And perhaps, I agree, yes that is better. But honestly, what would I know?

Yes, on some days I feel very small indeed. Tiny in fact.

And I wonder if its because of the change of hormones taking place in my body.

And secretly, I think it isn't true at all, because there are some things you just can't lie to yourself.

I know I need to find something to do with my life.

Because people only usually feel this way after experiencing near death, or after they're forty and hitting mid life crisis.

I can't imagine how I'm going to be like when I hit forty. I'm probably heading for a nervous breakdown.

Did you stand too close to the fire, like a liar begging for forgiveness from a stone..?

Sometimes, when I take a look at my blog, I realize, it is, a very long, and very personal diary. I say very personal, because whenever I come here, its always because, I have something to say...about myself. Does this make me a self obsessed person?

And to make things even sadder, I'm now going to try to explain to myself why I always and only write about myself. There are a lot of other things I can write about, and I know this to be true. There are a lot of other people I can write about, but yet, I tend to write exclusively about my feelings.

If I were poetic I'd say the biggest puzzle I've always tried to unravel was myself.

If I were an ass I'd say I'm just plain narcissic.

If I were a realist...maybe I'd just say that it doesn't really matter, because your biggest audience is yourself, and I need to remind myself that even though I started a blog for someone else, I need to keep it going for myself. Even if it does make me seem self absorbed.

Hell. In every blog post I am essentially writing to myself *facepalm*

There's just days like these every month.

Maybe they just happen to fall near that particular time of the month.

I know my life is one long, painful search to find something I'm passionate about, because at each and every stage of it, I thought I'd found it, only to find that it wasn't true.

And in every stage of it I hid behind the mundane routine hoping that one day I'll bump into something and it'll say on it on big, red, capital letters with neon signs "PASSION". And then I'll finally know what its like.

And until now it hasn't happen yet. I thought this was something people just were born with, or something they just like or love with all their hearts. I didn't know it took finding.

And even with finding, it still eludes you after 23 years.

I always envied people who went out and lived in the jungle to research animals and plants for National Geographic. I still do.

When I was younger I wanted to be just like them, because they loved something so much, they were willing to spend their lives doing it.

I envy Christians, even though I'd never admit it, because they believed in something so much, they were willing to spend their lives following it.

Which, I note, is probably why, religion and I never really got along. I couldn't believe in it, like I couldn't believe in anything else.

Do you think perhaps when God made this little girl he left out a great chunk of Passion in her heart?

She must somehow be defective.

Love, Joyce.

Have You Ever Been In Love?

Have you ever been in love

you can touch the moonlight

when your heart is shooting stars

you're holding heaven in your arms

have you even been in love?

Have you ever walked on air

ever felt like you were dreaming

when you never thought it could

but it really feels that good

have you ever been in love?

The time I spent

waiting for something that was heaven sent

when you find it don't let go

I know

Have you ever said a prayer

and found that it was answered

all my hope has been restored

I ain't looking anymore

have you ever been so in love?

Some place that you ain't leaving

somewhere you're gonna stay

when you've finally found the meaning

have you ever felt this way?

The time I spent

waiting for something that was heaven sent

when you find it don't let go

I know

Cos have you ever been in love

you could touch the moonlight

you can even reach the stars

doesn't matter near or far

have you ever been in love

have you ever been in love?

So in love

Have You Ever Been in Love

Celine Dion

Heard this in the car on the way home.

Strangely, it really does feel that way, being in love.

I didn't notice it at all, but even though it's only been a while,

it already feels like we've been together for a long time.

Everything feels like it happened so long ago, so far away.

And just like how time really flies when he's around,

I swear it slows down to a crawl when he's not here.

Even though work keeps me busy, for which I am grateful,

I go about my day feeling like something is just missing.

Have you ever said a prayer, and found that it was answered?

Of all the prayers I ever made, I'm so glad this one was heard.

Just trying to keep sane in the midst of calls

and trying to solve everyone else's problems.

It makes your own so much easier to ignore.

Love, Joyce.

Of Cars and Watches

Dear lonely isle,

Haven't been posting pics for forever, but since I took them anyway, so.

Some new additions to the house~

First up, my other sayang.

I was going to say that its as cute as its owner

but you can already see that for yourself right?

Big, round eyes, general roundness...

Want To Play?

And something a little more pink, a new watch from my dad.

Haven't had a new watch in a looooooong time.

And because pink is so pretty,

I'll entertain you with one more shot of it.

Cheers~

Despite the fact that Astro has been a bitch lately

with the changes with Byond and making my life so difficult, some days aren't too bad.

After all, you leave your work in your locker when you take your bag out to go home.

Just like you leave your headset and notes and jacket and water bottle.

Worries for tomorrow morning.

:)

Love, Joyce.

Never Knew I Needed

"..for the way you took the idea that I had

of everything that I wanted to have

and made me see there was something missing.."

Dear lonely isle,

Today was one of those rare silent days on the train.

Not because there wasn't anyone talking, or that the train was particularly empty.

I simply forgot to charge my ipod, and had to endure the train ride staring at other people for amusement and entertainment on my way to and fro from work.

On the train ride back I saw a particularly cute guy, but as life would have it, I'm not particularly a very cute girl. Or at least, not when I'm with my glasses and flats and jeans and plain collared tee.

Eye candy definitely, but I mostly only got to stare at the back of his head, and at his reflection in the window because as fate would have it, I happen to sit somewhat right behind him.

But he was of no matter, because the next guy who came in caught my attention.

In fact, I can't even remember how he looks like.

But what he wore...oh what he wore. He looked so much like a particular someone I used to stare at. Or how that particular someone used to dress at that particular time in life when I used to spend a lot of time with him.

That fedora, that collared tee, those khaki coloured shorts, and just those sneakers.

It was so much like him, except that well, it wasn't, because I know for a fact that he's somewhere else at the moment.

And because silent moments are such that one thought leads to the next, I'm suddenly brought back to a particular conversation we had.

He had asked, how would your dream guy be like?

And I had answered, exactly like you, only perhaps taller.

And now I wonder how true had that been.

After giving it some thought, I think I can say that it was definitely true then, and it is still true now.

The difference is that, I've had that dream guy, and I realized that sometimes what you want, isn't exactly what you need.

We've all had that list of requirements when we were younger, the list of things we thought were good, all those qualities we wanted, all those traits we thought we needed.

And maybe we might have been wrong.

I know I was wrong.

I know you're not my dream guy, and I know you know you aren't as well.

But somehow, you're just everything that I want, without even me knowing it.

I just know its you that I want.

I think I'm starting to believe more in my choices.

If it feels right, it just somehow has to be. I don't know how or why yet, but somehow its just right.

Love, Joyce.

Fairytales Come True. Sometimes.

Today was a fairy tale

you were the prince

I used to be the damsel in distress

you took me by the hand and you picked me up at six

today was a fairy tale

today was a fairytale

today was a fairytale

I wore a dress

you wore a dark grey t-shirt

you told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess

today was a fairytale

time slows down whenever you're around

but can you feel this magic in the air?

it must have been the way you kissed me

fell in love when I saw you standing there

it must have been the way

today was a fairytale

it must have been the way

today was a fairytale.

Taylor Swift

Today Was A Fairytale

Despite the fact that reality could not be any further than this.

Perhaps, this helps.

Today wasn't a fairytale, not by any stretch of imagination.

But I've had so many other days when I thought they were.

It felt like a dream.

They still do.

A very pleasant, very beautiful dream.

I'm going to dream one tonight.

Blue Sunday

"..raindrops keep fallin' on my head

and just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed

nothing seems to fit

those raindrops keep fallin' on my head, they keep falling.."

Dear lonely isle,

Out of desperation, I turn to you.

Something, is really annoying me.

And like a vague itch on your back which you can't see, it drives you crazy, even more so because you can't seem to find that exact spot to scratch.

Yes. Something is really annoying me.

I feel it like I feel something stuck between my teeth that I cannot seem to dislodge with my tongue and yet I find myself without toothpick, floss or toothbrush.

Maybe its the damn period.

Maybe its because I'm feeling like a whale. A leaky whale.

Maybe its because I fell asleep and woke up with the map of Australia on the back on my pants, and a matching motif on my bedsheet.

Maybe its because these cramps won't leave me alone, and can't quite decide where they want to settle down. I feel them everywhere.

Maybe its because I'm leaking worse than a dripping faucet you can't seem to turn off no matter how tight you twist the tap.

Maybe its because falling asleep seemed like a good idea at that time, when I shouldn't have, because waking up is like spinning the Wheel of Fortune.

You'll never know what mood you might find yourself in when the dial stops.

Maybe its because I feel this slight pain in my nose, the kind you feel when you've breathed in water in the swimming pool. And I have no idea how I woke up with it.

Maybe its sleeping with the lights on, because lights mess with your internal clock.

Maybe its just falling asleep before 9, and waking up before tomorrow.

Maybe its the prospect of waking up to an unexpected but very much needed call.

Maybe its the unexpected way it ended, leaving you feeling like something is wrong again.

Maybe its the fact that you just think too much, feel too much, and care too much.

Maybe its that twang you feel in your heart when you hear something you didn't want to hear.

Maybe its because you're so easily affected by his response.

Maybe its because you noticed how easily it affects you.

Maybe its because you're quite fed up that it changes how you feel faster than you can say "Shut up"

Maybe its because even after everything you've tried, you're still annoyed.

And you don't know why.

Maybe its because food comforts you, and you want nothing to do with it at the moment. Whether its because the confounded ulcer just at the side of your mouth makes movements like speaking, pronouncing clearly, chewing, and maneuvering food into the mouth not only a time consuming hassle, but also a slow and painful process, or because you feel like the aforementioned whale earlier, and know you are, against your worst fears, putting on in mass.

Expanding in volume. Increasing in weight. Gaining in size. Becoming fatter.

And maybe its because one of the few things that make you feel better is going to make you feel much worse tomorrow, and perhaps its because you know this to be true.

And quite frankly, you're just too fed up, and you can't stop sneezing, and nothing seems to function the way it should.

And the worst part is, you don't seem to have had anything unpleasant happen today. For everything you've mentioned earlier, nothing seems to have been really bad. In fact, nothing was actually even remotely unpleasant.

Sometimes, when you're looking for that itch to scratch, you end up finding that you have no reason to itch at all.

I don't know. Something is wrong somewhere.

I don't know what, I don't know why, and I most certainly don't have a reason.

And quite frankly, I feel even worse now.

Love, Joyce.

Unwell

"..for all of the times we've fought

for all of the things I'm not

don't care where we've been

I'd sink us to swim.."

Dear lonely isle,

These few days have been...a blur.

I feel like the days flew by, because its suddenly the weekend coming up to meet me again.

Or maybe I fell down, and this is reality coming the other way.

Sometimes I wake up feeling like I haven't slept.

And I know this is true, because I fall asleep when people are talking to me.

Perhaps a better way of putting it would be; when I'm listening to others.

When I feel I can relax a little, I fall asleep.

The times I feel most alive is when I'm on the phone, when the beep comes in, telling me there's someone on the other end of the line needing my help.

And I live for those times.

The moment I get off I feel as if I've turned off the power supply, and let myself run on hibernate.

Most of the time I feel like my poor abused laptop, forever on hibernate.

But hey, wasn't it my motto?

When you feel you're spent, there's always a bit more of you to give.

And it seems that I'm not running out of pieces to give.

Maybe the pieces are getting smaller, and a little frayed and tattered at the edges, but there's still more where its coming from.

I'm starting to feel that there's no such thing as enough sleep.

Because I'm always feeling so spent.

Some days I'm so tired I can't sleep.

Because I'm aching too much.

And every morning is hell.

Maybe that's why I like the train rides.

Despite the fact that its a little too crowded, a little too cold, and a little too early, I need it.

I need the time it takes for me to go to work, because I'd be feeling a lot better when I arrive.

Even on mornings when some car splashes water on you as it speeds past.

Even on mornings when you're sneezing non-stop in the train.

Even on mornings when your eyes are red, teary and painful, and you feel like there are a thousand elephants stampeding around in your head.

Because someone said to give even more when you have less to give.

I'm not sure how things are going to go.

Like how my laptop crashes when it burns up, I'm probably heading the same way.

But somehow I still feel that I'm heading in the right direction.

I just wish the rest of my body could feel the same way.

Or at least, be more supportive.

Love, Joyce.

Sleepwalking

"..I can't turn this around,

I keep running into walls that I can't break down.."

Dear lonely isle,

Let the sleepless nights begin.

Much as I should be in bed by now, and fast asleep, I'm not.

Much as my body is very tired, my brain seems to have found the strength to go on.

Much as I would hope for a good night's sleep, I believe that tonight is not that night.

Do you believe in destiny?

I'll always believe that we make our own destiny.

That even though something may be written in the stars, its up to us to pick up the pen.

And also up to us to continue following the writ to the letter.

I'll always believe that we fight for what we have today, here and now.

Because if there is something such as a destiny, and fate, that dictates the lives of men, I'd probably convert to one of the numerous faiths we have in the world, and pray that my destiny will chart me a course close to the waters I hope to tread.

Because if truly we were always 'meant' for something, then perhaps there is no place left for hard work, and determination, and dedication, and honesty.

I think this would be the closest thing I have to a belief.

So what do you do, when life yet again, presents you with a choice?

When it doth again, places before your plate, two selections?

When it yet again, shows you a place in the woods where two paths diverge?

Two roads from which there is no reverse or return.

Maybe they lead up to the same path, maybe they lead down to entirely different circumstances.

You don't know. You can't know.

There's too many 'if's.

And too little 'how's.

Plenty of 'what's.

And too few 'why's.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Robert Frost made his choice.

Somehow, I'm going to have to make mine.

And I have no idea how.

All this thinking cannot be good, if nothing comes out of it.

I've taken out all my cards, even the ones I hid in my sleeve, in my pocket, and down my collar, and laid them out on the table.

Perhaps right now its still a rather private table, but nonetheless, I'm being honest.

And I've taken a good look at all of them, and tried to stare them down.

But yet, like a poor tarot reader, I still can't make sense of what I see.

I stare and I look, and I try sorting them into different piles.

I tried flipping some over, to uncomplicate the picture.

And still I've arrived at naught.

I know what I want. But what I want is wrong.

Is it?

Despite everything, I feel like I'm back where I started months ago.

Somehow, even though I've traveled, I haven't progressed.

I realize that this is probably an easy decision to make, but I'm still hesitating at the crossroads.

Until now, you're still such a sore loser.

You're afraid to take another step, for fear of what you might lose.

Coward.

Love, Joyce.

Blind Faith

"..when life is a bitter pill to swallow

you've got to hold on to what you believe

believe that the sun will shine tomorrow

and that your saints and sinners bleed.."

Dear lonely isle,

Today someone said I seem to be enjoying the best in life.

I believe I do.

I didn't realize it, but I am.

I know it seems superficial to claim that I'm enjoying the best in life at only 22 years of age, with no work experience, no house or car to my name and with less money than I'd like in my bank. Also, did I mention I wasn't married?

But I believe that the best in life will always change. What may have seemed like the best five years ago, won't be the best now. And what is the best now, probably will have changed five years from now.

But right here, right now, where I'm standing, I'm definitely in love with the view.

And maybe I'm just a fool, because I know that things are going to be tough, but maybe while my brain has arrived at that conclusion, the rest of me hasn't realized it yet.

And like a fool who sets sail to sea without looking at the map in hand, I can already foresee the dark skies and pouring rain in the journey ahead.

Yet, this fool is smiling. Because its a good day.

In fact, the weather has been damn well fine for as long as he can remember.

If this were a movie you'd just know that this ship is going to hit some rocks or shallow reef and end up a beached whale.

But the fool behind the wheel knows that, if it does happen, that's okay.

Sometimes we can only plan where we want to go.

We may very well end up in a completely different place altogether.

The waters of the Ocean of Life oft times have a mind of their own, and they may decide to lead us down a different path.

"..and somehow I know that it'll all turn out

you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.."

So. It's been fine weather so far.

And if we hit some rocks it's okay. Because if the ship sinks we'll just swim.

And if we hit the beach we'll make camp.

And if we drown, well. It's going to be a bigger adventure than I thought.

But an adventure nonetheless.

If the world ends tomorrow, we'll all be in heaven by then.

I used to believe in this, once upon a time.

And then somewhere along the way, I lost my faith.

I must have found it again, when I tripped and fell.

Whatever comes, comes.

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always remember to bring your own sunshine.

Someone once told me this. I believe its the best advice for anything you aspire to do.

Right now, you're my sunshine.

I promise you, I'm going to make this work.

"..just don't give up, I'm working this out

please don't give in, I won't let you down.."

Because you said to have faith in you.

So I will.

love, Joyce.

PS: I'm reeking so much of positivity I'm not going to be able to stand myself soon.

Heaven Can Wait

Here's a song

for the nights I think too much

and here's a song

when I imagine us together

here's a song

for when we talk too much and I forget my words

heaven can wait

up high in the sky

it's you and I

heaven can wait

deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

tell me you want me to stay, forever

cos heaven can wait

here's a song

for the one who stole my heart

and ran so far

that cupid couldn't catch him

here's a song

for the girl who aims so high

she shot him down

heaven can wait

up high in the sky

it's you and I

heaven can wait

deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

tell me you want me to stay, forever

cos heaven can wait

here's a song

for the nights

I drank too much and spilled my words

heaven can wait

up high in the sky

it's you and I

heaven can wait

deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

tell me you want me to stay, forever

cos heaven can wait

cos heaven can wait.

We The Kings

Heaven Can Wait