Sunday, January 06, 2008

The (Very Long) Journey

"..I'll be there,
some day

Dear lonely isle,

We all start somewhere at the beginning. Doesn't matter what kind of beginning, but the important thing is to start somewhere. Doesn't matter if we're late, so as long as we start somewhere. And starting is always better than not starting at all.
But after you start, when does it end?
Where does it end?
How does it end?
Actually for me, I'm more interested in, how long more do I have to go?
How much further is there?
Yes, even as I start this semester I'm already wishing it will end. Soon. Tomorrow. Preferably right now.
Even as my plane touches down in Sabah, I am already raring to go back.
Somewhere at the back of my mind I am vaguely aware that I have been telling people who spend all their time studying to relax a little and enjoy their days of university life, but yet i neglect to do the same.

It's hard to enjoy anything when all your longing is directed some place else.

Or for that matter, to be more precise, at someone who is some place else.

Everyone keeps saying that you will appreciate your study days when you start the phenomena known and feared by some part of the population of the adults, loved and worshipped by other parts, and maybe loathed even more by some. Maybe it all depends on what line of work you do, how much you like it to begin with, and what are your salary prospects. Maybe even the environment of your workplace plays some role in how strongly you feel towards dragging yourself out of bed at an ungodly hour to do an honest day's work.

For me, who knows, dreary as my future work promises to be, tearfully boring as I predict it to be, painfully aware of how bright (or in my case, how awfully dim) my career prospects are, maybe what I look forward to in the future, is to going home.

Maybe home is not what I envision it to be in future, maybe home will be a flimsy illusion of what I imagine now. After all, when you spend so much time away, who's to say you'll get along living in such close proximity everyday. Who's to know how tight spaces will drive you further away, rather than encourage you to be closer. Maybe there won't even be this future I speak of to begin with. Maybe we never got that far.

But what are humans without faith? As what are humans without folly?

Yes, to have faith, you must also have folly. Otherwise we cannot believe. Trust is something you do not do, if you are wholly rational, or thinking. It is when we suspend logical analysis that we put faith into our hearts and allow ourselves to step blindly off into no man's land.
Well, being human as I am, I am not without faith (as I am also not without folly).
And somehow, here we are, right at the beginning.

It looks to be a very long journey.

And even as I take the first step, I find myself asking,

Are we there yet?

love, joyce.