Growing Pains

"..stop and stare,
you start to wonder why you're here not there,
and you'd give anything to get what's fair,
but fair ain't what you really need,
can you see what I see?.."

Dear lonely isle,

Have you ever thought about how you were when you were younger?
What you wanted to be when you grow up.
What you thought you'd be when you grow up.
And where you actually are now.

Have you ever had big dreams?
Things that seemed so possible when you were a lot shorter.
And a lot smaller.
And when you weren't quite as knowledgeable as you are today.
(knowledgeable, because there are times I feel stupider than my younger self)

Have you ever wondered what happened to them?

Do you sometimes feel frustrated with yourself?
Because everything you thought you would be, turned out so completely the other way.
Because all the confidence you used to have, faded away with each wave of reality crashing on your shores.
Because even after all these years, you still remain that little girl inside.

That the butterfly in you never emerged.
Realizing that you were meant to spend your life as a hairy caterpillar.

As we grow up, somehow the world grew smaller, and darker.
And greyer.

And sometimes you realize that maybe the world looked a lot better then because you hadn't learn to see very well yet.

Sometimes I feel that way.

And I realize I've come a long long way.
A long way from the little girl in braids (4 to be exact) and ponytails.
A long way from the little girl in tights and ballet leotard and hair all done up in a bun.
A really long way from the little girl that thought she would grow up to be blond.

You learn that sometimes even though you really believed in something, it will never, ever come true.

Other times you learn that the things you don't like will never, ever go away.
That they will never get intimidated by you just because you're a lot bigger and fatter now.
Or wiser (I hope) than you were.

Then there are lessons you learn as you get older.
That friends are hard to find. And even harder to keep.
That your parents are the only people in the world that will love you unconditionally.
That there really is no such thing as justice, or truth, or mercy in this world, save the virtues you hold in your heart.
That you can only be responsible for yourself. And that you should be the only person you're responsible for and accountable to.
That everything between God and you, is between God and you. No one should dictate otherwise.
That everything you do, will come back to bite you in the ass one day. And that's a promise as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.
That people don't like you instantaneously upon meeting you. If you're not utterly alone and truly hated by the world, you must have done something right to at least one person.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back and do things differently.
Sometimes you wish you knew then what you knew now.

But at other times, you realize all those mistakes you made, made you the person you are today.

And sometimes, that's not quite so bad. Because eventually, you learn the lesson of learning to live with yourself.

With what you can do.
With what you didn't do.
With what you didn't achieve.
With what you did.
And hopefully, with what you will.

love, Joyce.