Unwell

"..for all of the times we've fought

for all of the things I'm not

don't care where we've been

I'd sink us to swim.."

Dear lonely isle,

These few days have been...a blur.

I feel like the days flew by, because its suddenly the weekend coming up to meet me again.

Or maybe I fell down, and this is reality coming the other way.

Sometimes I wake up feeling like I haven't slept.

And I know this is true, because I fall asleep when people are talking to me.

Perhaps a better way of putting it would be; when I'm listening to others.

When I feel I can relax a little, I fall asleep.

The times I feel most alive is when I'm on the phone, when the beep comes in, telling me there's someone on the other end of the line needing my help.

And I live for those times.

The moment I get off I feel as if I've turned off the power supply, and let myself run on hibernate.

Most of the time I feel like my poor abused laptop, forever on hibernate.

But hey, wasn't it my motto?

When you feel you're spent, there's always a bit more of you to give.

And it seems that I'm not running out of pieces to give.

Maybe the pieces are getting smaller, and a little frayed and tattered at the edges, but there's still more where its coming from.

I'm starting to feel that there's no such thing as enough sleep.

Because I'm always feeling so spent.

Some days I'm so tired I can't sleep.

Because I'm aching too much.

And every morning is hell.

Maybe that's why I like the train rides.

Despite the fact that its a little too crowded, a little too cold, and a little too early, I need it.

I need the time it takes for me to go to work, because I'd be feeling a lot better when I arrive.

Even on mornings when some car splashes water on you as it speeds past.

Even on mornings when you're sneezing non-stop in the train.

Even on mornings when your eyes are red, teary and painful, and you feel like there are a thousand elephants stampeding around in your head.

Because someone said to give even more when you have less to give.

I'm not sure how things are going to go.

Like how my laptop crashes when it burns up, I'm probably heading the same way.

But somehow I still feel that I'm heading in the right direction.

I just wish the rest of my body could feel the same way.

Or at least, be more supportive.

Love, Joyce.