The Lonely Girl

"..is there anybody home?
who will believe me, won't deceive me,
won't try to change me,
is there anybody home?
who wants to have me just to love me,
stuck in the middle.."

Dear lonely isle,

The other day when I had a meeting with my supervisor, I needed the formula for a phosphate buffer that I required for my thesis labwork. No worries I'm not going to bore you with the details of it :) I'm so nice aren't I? :P
Anyway, it was getting late (about 7pm that time) and we both wanted to get home and she did not have the formula with her. So the pretty lady said she'd mail it to my email and asked for the address. Upon writing it down, she asked "Lonely..isle? *laughs* was there a reason behind this?"

And that got me thinking for a bit.

Flashback to something that happened probably about a month or two ago, I can't really remember. But when is not the point anyway, it's what. I was showing a coursemate my blog because she wanted to see some photos I posted up.
I understand that not many people are a fan of Middle Earth and The Lord of the Rings, which is why I find myself explaining the meaning of Tol Eressea to so many people, and to which she replied "Why lonely isle? You have us, don't you?"

But I guess you were a long time ago.

Okay, not so much long as possibly about a decade ago? Or maybe sometime between a decade and half a decade ago. You didn't come up until I picked up J.R.R. Tolkien's greatest work, but still the essence of being you was there.

I guess, some time ago, I felt exactly like tol eressea. The lonely isle. Sitting all alone in an empty space in the ocean. Adrift and apart from others. Not so much in the physical sense (because I do not live on top of a mountain all by myself and neither do I stay in empty, lost caves alone and is described by the expression 'hermit', 'sage', or 'crazy lunatic'), but rather in the mental or emotional sense, I usually get confused at this part because my heart is often clever enough to sabotage my brain into thinking what I want is what I need.

I guess we all do go through a stage in life where we feel like we don't fit in. For me this happened sometime in the transition from childhood to growing up. Somehow, when you were a lot younger, (ie; below 3 feet) everyone was a friend. And as u grew taller, you find that sometimes that's not true. Sometimes you find yourself having no one you can call a 'friend'. And your world suddenly becomes this silent place with only the thoughts in your head to keep you company. I learnt to spend a lot of time on my own, and being by myself. I even learnt to talk to myself.

Yeah, internal monologue is definitely more fun when someone replies. Sometimes I wonder if that person really was me. Because that person, was you.

We'd talk about guys, fantasies, dreams. We'd laugh over funny shows and go through the best parts together. We'd cry over heartaches and sad times. Somehow it's pathetic and ironic how your best friend when you were small was yourself. But that's not all you were.

As I grew up, so did you. You grew from someone who kept me company to someone who always kept me in check. I guess you turned into a conscience. Of some sort.

You'd push me to do more, work harder, and you'd always ask for more than I can give. You'd scold when I make mistakes and comfort me when I fail. You'd tell me that I can cry as much as I want, but when I'm done I need to get back to work.

Sometimes I wonder where I find the drive to do things, to try to reach further and higher, to just keep holding on. To break down and rebuild myself. And to know that I don't have to like something to still do my best in it.

I'd like to take credit for all that, but really, even if it was me, it wasn't this me.

It seems pretty weird to blog to yourself, when it comes right down to this, but I guess it's just like old times. You and me have come a long way baby, and we don't really need paper or pen to talk.

I guess I just got so used to talking to you.

But somewhere along the way I learnt to make friends, and learnt to let people into my world; my thoughts, my heart, myself. And then the world suddenly seemed a lot less quiet. I learnt to like conversations with other people, and talking. Maybe that's why I can't shut up nowadays; I needed to make up for lost time.

Things are different now. I know I'm not the lonely little girl I used to be, but some part of me will always be that lonely isle, because there's always this little part of me that looks in from the outside, like an observer of my life. And that little part of me, is always alone.

You know how you can feel alone even when you're in a room full of people?
I think everyone does, every now and then.

But it's okay, because the rest of the time, it doesn't feel that way.
Not anymore.

Love, Joyce.

Stop & Stare

"..they're trying to come back,
all my sense push,
untie the weight bags,
I never thought I could.."

Dear lonely isle,

I guess...I'm happy.

Even though I have no fondness for this place, somehow I've managed to settle down.
And after the hectic hustle and bustle of the semester, filled with exciting races to the dateline, accompanied by nerve-wrecking, bone-breaking, back-aching, tiring tirade of reports and assignments one after another, and general all round haywired sleeping, eating and living habits, I guess I've settled down into mundane bliss.

I embraced the holidays like I would a visiting aunt with lots of presents in tow.

Naturally after all the sleepless nights one would imagine the evolution of a man into a pig, but it's natural to want some remuneration after all that slaving and toiling at the workload that's been hanging around all semester like an unwanted guest. That and because I derive some insane pleasure from burning myself out trying to enjoy everything at one go.

But after awhile, when things begin to slow down, and the hype of the overrated holidays has cooled off, you begin to feel like a car with dwindling fuel supply on a long journey, stopping frequently at petrol stations and rest spots. And at each stop you make, you suddenly realize the cool breeze in the air, and the blueness of the sky overhead, and the puffy white clouds that sail past your vision in the car.

And then you realize you've been missing out on life.

But I guess what really gives me a high is the freedom to choose. The freedom to stare down a day like an empty canvas, just awaiting the strokes of your paintbrush. To decide if you would wake at the crack of dawn, or sleep till deep past noon. To decide if washing should be done today, or a good book is a-calling. The freedom that is denied to you when you have an 8 o'clock class in the morning, and a full day of classes and labs ahead. To have your hands shackled and your actions dictated by a callous and cold schedule you have no love for.

And in the midst of daily mundane, you rediscover the joys of spending hours in front of the telly glued to Asian Food Channel, and the delight of surfing endlessly on the net and catching up on MSN.

Truly, the wonders of small pleasures, and the beauty of small treasures.
If I could have but one each day, it would be the life of the contented.

Maybe that's what holidays are for, to replenish your fuel supply for the impending race, and to remember what life really is. Life is exciting in the fast lane, with the wind in your face and the blurred sight of speed. Such is the nature of man, with an inborn love for speed and all things that whizz past, as is evident with the rising number of rollercoasters and high-speed thrills in amusement parks.

But often only when we've taken the time to stop and to slow down, we realize the reason for being alive, and the joy of living without having to hold on tightly to your hat.

So, right now, with just the sound of the swishing air from the ceiling fan to accompany the clicking of my nails on the keyboard, and a pillow to support my badly abused back, I guess life is good.

Because I'm in no hurry to be anywhere else. Because I'm in no hurry to do anything else.

Because I'm on holiday.

love, Joyce.

You & I

"..cos you and I both love,
what you and I spoke of,
and others only dream of,
others only dream of the love,
of the love that I love.."

Dear lonely isle,

Relationships. The bond between two people.
A mystery for some, the source of revelations for others.
The extent of an understanding between two souls.
The window to another person's world.
The measure of which we define how much of ourselves we allow others to see, to know, and to hurt.

Relationships can be simple, yet at times messy, complicated and wet.
But they can also be beautiful.

A relationship is the chemistry between two people, the reaction that occurs when two different elements are brought together. And sometimes we can never really predict the chemistry that happens between two people, and even less so why it happens, or how it occurs.

And we can mostly never quite predict, where the chemistry leads, and how long it will last, or how soon it will end.

Though not always, sometimes we find out, in time, why they end.

We are constantly drawn to other people because humans weren't meant to be alone. We constantly seek out the company of others, ever trying to find someone we can connect to. Even the most anti-social of us would still seek the solace of a chatroom or instant messaging online. Even if we can't see that someone or hear his voice, we still find this need to connect.
To communicate. The reason why humans are constantly involved in relationships; be it man, creature, the unseen, the artificial or the imaginary.

Even more intriguing is our need to belong somewhere, the need to belong to someone. To have that someone special.

Even the coldest of women and the most macho of men will desire, somewhere deep in the recesses of their hearts to have that someone. For some individuals, that someone changes with each passing moon, or with each passing night. For others, it is a bond that they hope, will last a lifetime. Or hopefully long enough to see them through cold nights and hard years.

We form a relationship because we need something from the other person, something we cannot fulfill ourselves. Something that only that someone special can make you feel. Which is why some people define their love as being complete, because that someone completes you. Because that someone is your other half.

But for some, relationships aren't that sweet.

Sometimes we can't really discern why or how we end up in a relationship that takes up all of us; all the space we breathe, all the energy we have, all the emotions we contain. Sometimes we don't understand why we still hang on.

Usually, we can never really know when it's time to say goodbye.

And even though we think its for the best of both, we find it hard to let go. Because we've shared so much, gave so much of ourselves, devoted so much of our life and memories to the idea of a relationship.
Because we gave so much of our most precious asset; our time.

Relationships mean different things to different people, and there are no two that are alike. Because we are all different. It is only logical that our relationships be as varied and as colourful as we are. Even with time, relationships change, because people change.

Sometimes for better, and at others, for worse.

And if that's anything to go by; it's that people can change. That given the right drive, intentions and emotions, they will.

But then there are times we have to stop believing in dead dreams, and realize we've hit a dead end.

Relationships are never perfect, and can never be perfect. It's only as good as it gets. Because people are not perfect. Humans weren't made perfect. It is the flaw in creation that makes us appreciate beauty and strive for perfection. Just as the flaw in people that makes us appreciate a relationship and strive to improve.

At the end of the day, we'd like to think we know what is best for ourselves, and who is best, or right for us. The world may say otherwise, but the choice is ours to make. And its also up to us to convince ourselves that we made the right one. Every day.

And hopefully, we get proven right.

I'd like to think I got my answer to my decision.
Because I believe in my heart that I got it right.

love, Joyce.

Dinners

Some random pictures of dinners.

At Bella Italia in Jesselton Hotel

I want pizza...again.

At Hana in City Mall

Tiing Jen's Katsu Don.

My Beef Teriyaki.
It doesn't look that good, but tastes good :)

Jia Jia's Sushi.

Lai San's Saba Shio.
(or something that sounds like that...)

Dinner was good :)
Sinful food...

Sinners:

Tiing Jen and Jia Jia

Lai San and me

Bee Bee, Yasmin and Mei Kuan's cousin :)

Fansu O-cha :P

On another note,
went shopping today!

Shopping is good :)

Wallet empty, heart happy :)

Bought a shirt and 2 blouses :)
The white ribbon comes with the shirt, a belt of sorts.

(if you think that the turquoise blouse looks like the black one,
well that's because it's the same cutting and design, just a different colour >.<
I like the cutting of the blouse THAT much :P)

My favourite *heart* :)

Farewell, Kimmy

Dear lonely isle,

I am currently room-mate-less.
My roomie Kimmy has left Sabah. She might return to extend her course, and she might not.
Either way, I'll miss her so much.

Watching anime together, laughing our heads off with Bamboo Blade, studying together, and so many outings together; movies, shopping and exploring.

She taught me most of the roads in KK that I know now, and saved me countless of times from incoming grasshoppers, cockroaches, moths and all other manner of myriad legged (and not so myriad legged) creatures. She companied me during the Hungry Ghost month, and forgave me for switching on the lights in the middle of the night after nightmares. She accompanies me on drives to the mechanic and translated my transactions with them.

She entertained us with countless memorable and totally hillarious "KIM-AH!!" moments that I will never forget, and is always up for a joke. Ever willing to learn, even if it involves making us laugh, Kimmy is so funny and so comical.

Erm, need I say more?

For her farewell night we had dinner at Ah Foo and planned to go for a movie after that.
We've had countless dinners together at Ah Foo, but that night was something special.

Vegetarian steamboat!
Yummy!

The mushroom slices were really good...
Thick and juicy :)

All these...

and these...

(and various other goodies that escaped my camera cos these few plates were the nearest to me)

In this.

While waiting for the soup to boil, Kim entertained us some more..

Two types of soup!
Tom yam on one side, clear soup on the other.
Both were yummy!

Yummy-ness...

And so,
many, many rounds later...

Happy people group photo :)

With Ah Foo, the owner (duh) and chef of Ah Foo.

Kimmy,
we will miss you so much!

I will miss you so much T___T

Yes, how can we ever forget you?

love, Joyce.

You're It! (Again)

Dear Cheryl,

Cos you had to go and do this to me.

8 things I am passionate about:
(not in any sort of order)

1. My baby
2. My family and friends :)
3. Jellybean! (& Ichigo, and all of you that share a bed with me :))
4. My beloved books.
5. Reading.
6. Music.
7. Lyrics.
8. FOOD.

8 things I say too often :

1. What the F**K?
2. What the shit?
3. What the crap?
4. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
5. NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~
6. I'm sorry I don't understand mandarin.
7. Huh?
8. Boleh bah, kalau kau ;)

8 books I’ve read recently :
(studies don't count)

1. The Truth by Terry P.
2. The Last Continent by Terry P.
3. Lady Friday by Garth Nix.
4. Sourcery by Terry P.
5. THUD! by Terry P.
6. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling
7. Nightwatch (again) by Terry P.
8. Hogfather (yet again) by Terry P.

8 songs I could listen to over and over again :
(It changes from time to time, currently on playlist forever looping)

1. No One and If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys
2. Any song from Celine Dion.
3. Any song from Maroon 5.
4. These Hard Times by Matchbox 20.
5. Rule The World by Take That.
6. Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.
7. Love Song by Sara Bareilles.
8. Any song from Linkin Park.

I'm going to add 3 more because I think the list is too short.
(so unofficially,)

9. Any song from the Bee Gees
10. Any song from ABBA
11. Any song from the Carpenters

8 things I learned :

Refer to here.

Finally, 8 people to tag :

1. Ann Gee
2. Eu Shen
3. Cheng Choo
4. Cheryl
5. Wilson
6. Sooks?
7. Huei Ming?
8. Haha, Hsin Yang, if you ever come by again.

love, Joyce.

Tag! You're It!

Dear Cheng Choo,

Sorry it took ages >.<"

Okies, here goes.

Instructions: Remove one question from those below, add in one of your own (personal), to make a total of 20. Tag 10 people in your list at the end of this post.
Notify them.

1. At what age do you wish to be married?
When my baby decides to marry me :)
(which of course I helpfully and forcefully suggested should happen by the age of 28, and no further)

2. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 3 blog buddies you'd take and why?
Hmm, Ann Gee, Christine (counts right? she has a blog :P), and beloved Cheng Choo :) Why? Fun doesn't need a reason.
(I'd take you too Cheryl, but you're family :P)

3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Right now? Home. Ask me again a month later :P

4. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
That everyone I love will always be healthy and happy :) Getting a scholarship for a PhD in UK isn't so bad either.

5. Do you believe you can survive without money?
Not unless I live in an alternate universe where I am given everything I want :)

6. What are you afraid to lose the most?
Everyone I hold dear :(

7. If u had a superpower, what would your ability be?
I want to shit gold and vomit diamonds. (without injuring my internal organs, duh.)

8. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
Confessed already :P

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
Love, patience, dependability, responsible, love, care, love, money :P

11. Which type of person do you hate the most?
Stupid people. They plague the world like an infestation of an open wound.

12. If you are given the chance to go back to the past and make a difference, will you?
I might.

13. In your own opinion, would you say you are nice or mean?
Definitely not very nice. I hope to be nice though. Actually I try to, but stupid people make me mean.

14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Love, friendship.

15. Are you a shopaholic or not?
I would be, if i was a lot richer.

16. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
My mood swings and temper. Have a really short temper. I keep losing it all over the place :(

17. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
My baby. My bestest friends :P

18. What's your weakest point?
That I care too much.

19. What's the thing that you're most proud of?
Being who I am today.

20.What is the one thing you regret most?
Screwing up my STPM.

I tag: I don't have very many people to tag....Erm, okay, Ann Gee, Eu Shen, Cheryl, Wilson (if u read my blog), Christopher, Huei Ming? Sooks if you're there :P

Definition of 'stupid people' : people that irritate me, that ask stupid questions, that use their asses or mouths to think with instead of their brains, people that should have died a long time ago due to natural selection.

love, Joyce.