Sunday, March 12, 2006

The F Word

"..but it's one misstep,
and you'll slip before you know it,
and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.."

Dear lonely isle,

I don' t want to face it.
I refuse to face it.
I don't want to wake up and realise that it's the truth.
I don't want to live with the fact that I'm a failure.

I guess everything boils down to this. I'm a failure.
I am a failure.

And for every person that believes in you, every person that you let down, is more than a hundred times repaid on yourself. For every person that I let down, I let myself down even more.
And the person who cannot forgive me for this failure, the one who will never forget, can never forget, is me.
So at the end of the day, no matter how much I cry, worry or think about the disappointment I'm causing others, the biggest disappointment is mine.

Sometimes the hardest thing to face in life is failure. Especially if you've never failed before (in that sense). And truly, it's a very big step for me.
You can hold my hand, but you can't face my fear for me.
Yes. I can't face it.
It's probably very silly for most people that I'm blogging about this, but then again, I've always been a silly little girl. Refusing to grow up and look at the real world. Wanting to live in my land of parks, swings and stories.

Sooner or later I will have to come to terms with it, but even the very thought of it sends me the shivers.
The fact that I'm a failure.

There it is again. The F word.

Someone tell me the magic words.

love, joyce.