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Wishlist

Dear lonely isle,

I don't know why but my Hello refuses to connect and therefore I can't post my piccies on my blog..
Weird.
Worse still, I can't show everyone my new wish list for this year...
Anyhow, I can still list them out, though it would be easier if you guys knew how it looks like :P
So...

1. Thud! (Corgi publishing. Paperback. which hasn't appeared yet)
2. The Art of Discworld
3. Nanny Ogg's Cookbook

Hehe, I will not refuse should you decide to buy any one of the above for me. (heck, not even all 3..)
But then again, I must first reflect on whether I have been good lately and whether I deserve such presents.
So, if you don't mind, I'll take a quiet reflection...
..........................................................
..........................................................
..........................................................
..........................................................
..........................................................

Ok, I'm done.
And yes, I so totally deserve those presents :)
is what I wish I could say, but as usual, I'm compelled to tell the truth at all times (most of the time anyway..).
Well, truth is I haven't been really nice to most people lately, and to those who think I've been nice to you, well, then you're not one of the majority.
I know I'm already naturally mean, but well, meaner than usual?
And what makes it even worse it that it's not really their fault, as in they didn't have it coming or anything, it's just mean Joyce at work. So I've been going around making people's lives miserable, or basically making them rethink reasons for being friends with me....
Well...anyway even though I don't deserve them, doesn't really mean that I don't want them, or will put up too much of a fight, should you decide to give them to me :)
Sure I'll feel guilty, and maybe will never be able to live with myself, but I'd still enjoy the books all the same :)

So, anyone feeling more than a little generous?

love, joyce.

D-O-O-M.

"..heaven bent to take my hand,
lead me through the fire,
be the long awaited answer,
to a long and painful fight.."

Dear lonely isle,

I don't know why, but this month seems to go on forever. It feels like the longest month ever, and even the days seem to stretch into infinity.
Well, I know I should be enjoying this state of events, with the upcoming impending doom, but somehow I just can't.
Lately, I'm starting to become easily annoyed (even more than before) and very irritated. I feel like screaming at the world, and I can't stop being irritated. FYI, it's not a fun feeling, being irritated.
And not to mention the nightmares...won't they leave me alone? At least let me have some peace when I sleep. As if worrying during my waking hours is not enough, now I have to go through STPM again in my dreams?
Well, yea, it is really haunting me, and I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes I think it's best if the day just came and get over with it, but then again, I don't want the day to come either.
So it's good to go on being extra bad-tempered? I think I'm starting to piss people off. Heck, I'm starting to piss myself off.
But I guess I am really worried about my results.
And for all you motherfuckering sons of bitches who think with what you may think of as 'your wisecrack mouth', it isn't "just results".
But then again, not all of us are as rich as you are to think that way. I wish I was, so I wouldn't have to worry my head off now, but for the rest of us, (or maybe just me) it's never going to be "just results".
Damn I hate these people.
Anyway, for me I think it's just going to be another night of trying to destress in the hope that when I close my eyes I don't see my school, STPM, results or exams. And also hoping that I don't wake up wanting to spank the world for bad behaviour, and with murderous thoughts about the people around me. (yea, that's how irritated I am nowadays.)
Due to some luck and some kindness I had some days ago, my pillow is rarely damp anymore, and I am able to sleep with dry things. Jellybean has been dry for 2 whole days. I'm quite surprised I haven't cultivated a moss-growing farm by now. Also, no more headaches, and runny noses and no more shaking. I'm actually quite normal now. :)

Well, all in a night's work for me.

love, joyce.

Dear.....

"..looking at the pages of my life,
faded, memories of me and you,
mistakes I know I've made a few.."

Dear lonely isle,

That day when I was trying to destress before sleeping (I hope it'll shoo away the nightmares..), I was looking for a book to read, after singing didn't help. And I stumbled upon my little book of complaints.
Yea, I used to have one before I learnt to tell other people about things. And yea, my blog is my new book of complaints except that it isn't as private as it used to be.
It's a small maroon hardcover book that used to be my salvation everytime I felt that things could never be all right again. I would scribble away in cursive because that helped me to focus more on what I was writing and basically as a way to relieve the stress, as opposed to screaming. So yea, the writing is pretty horrible, because I was kind of stressed at times. The uglier and more unreadable, the worse I was feeling at that time..
And well, since I didn't really have anything to do then, I decided might as well have a good laugh before I went to bed.
So I chose a random page and started reading. It was always the same. I would start with marginally readable writing and by the time I reached the third page I was already guessing half the words... To think I can't even read my own writing..
Some were quite long as I had a lot to whine about and some were pretty short because I was too pissed to write I think.
I can say I rediscovered a lot of things yesterday. I found out that I can be very irrational and there were some entries that made me mark myself down as 'paranoid, verging on psychotic'. Most of it is when I'm pissed, or sad. Well it's my guess that a lot of things made me sad, which is why I had so much to write about. And a lot of things probably made me very pissed too, which is why all of you know me as an easily agitated person who is also easily annoyed and irritated. Yea I guess I'm pretty bad tempered.
Well some entries were kinda funny because I write about stupid things, and some reminded me of how sad I was at times. But it's good to keep things like this, because I have a bad memory, and half the things that happened are but just vague figures in my mind.
And yea, there were some things I said that just doesn't bear repeating here because you'll never know how offensive you can be until you're alone.

Makes you think eh?
What is it that people think when they're alone?

love, joyce.

Stuff

For those of you who currently need something to chew on well, i'm not free to put this all down yet but you can have a look here...
http://ambiguous88livejournal.com/10051.html
sorry for promoting other people's sites, but well, just have a read. it's good.
haha just bear with the tiny text for awhile...

Undo. Rewrite. Erase.

wanting to spit out the jarred thoughts is
because there's no other proof of my existance
my future that I should have grabbed hold is
conflicting between 'dignity' and 'freedom'

wanting to erase the distorted afterimage is
because I'll see my limit in there
in the window of the excessively self-conscious me
there are no dates in last year's calendar

erase and rewrite
the pointless ultra-fantasy
revive
the unforgettable sense of being
rewrite
the meaningless imagination
the driving force that creates you
give it your whole body and soul

after cutting my feelings that grew, I regret
after realizing that after all, I'm just a mediocrity,
I cry
a depressed heart
a dirty lie

erase and rewrite
the pointless ultra-fantasy
revive
the unforgettable sense of being
rewrite
the meaningless imagination
the driving force that creates you
give it your whole body and soul

Undo
Asian Kung-Fu Generation

"Erase everything.
Take it all back.
Unravel the mistake.
Take me apart.
Erase my existance."

Undo
your mistakes

Rewrite
the past

Erase
your life

Far Away

this time, this place
misused, mistakes
too long, too late
who was I to make you wait?

just one chance
just one breath
just in case there's just one left
'cause you know
you know, you know

that I love you
I have loved you all along
and I miss you
been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

on my knees, I'll ask
last chance for one last dance
'cause with you, I'd withstand
all of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all
I'd give for us
give anything but I won't give up
'cause you know
you know, you know

that I love you
I have loved you all along
and I miss you
been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'cause I needed
I need to hear you say

that I love you
I have loved you all along
and I forgive you
for being away for far too long
so keep breathing
'cause I'm not leaving you anymore
believe it
hold on to me and never let me go

Far away
Nickelback

Old Stuff

"..here I go,
scream my lungs out,
and try to get to you,
you are my only one.."

Dear lonely isle,

You know how it's like when it's time to clear your room. Time to take out all the things you don't need and putting them in a big cardboard box before throwing them away.
But the longer you've had them, the harder it is to throw away.
That old toy you used to play with when you were younger, now nothing but excess baggage in the closet.
Your favourite skirt, now a few sizes to small.
Old books, clothes, trophies, toys. Old stuff.
But the thing with old stuff is, even though they're broken, or missing some bits, they contain more memories than you think. And nothing wears better than an old stuff.
Old stuff are like fats, they cling to your heart and internal organs, like shock absorbers and security blankets. But one day, you just know, it's time to say goodbye.
So how do you say goodbye to people?
Like old stuff, they've been around. And even though you haven't seen them for some time, you just know that they'd always have a special place in your heart.
And even when they leave you, there'd always be things that will remind you of their presence.
Little things like familiar sights, sounds, smells...
So how do you say goodbye to people?
No matter how you try, it never ever gets easier.
You'd think that after the first few, you'd eventually get over it. Or maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad anymore.
But's it's not just something you get used to...
I wonder why.
Sometimes you wonder if life is just a long string of goodbyes.
People come into your life and leave again.
Some leave dust bunnies in your heart. Others are like a muddy footprint that won't wash off the carpet. Although many come and go empty handed, there are always some that leave with a handful of your heart. A rare few even take enough of you home for friends and relatives.
But who's to say you left empty handed?
Maybe, without even knowing, you took with you a pinch of thought, and a sprinkle of love and a lifetime of rememberance (for possibly spilling honey on the couch, but that's not really the point). So who knows, when you're gone, you might actually be missed.
So how do you say goodbye to people?

I prefer au revoir.
Till the seeing again.

love, joyce.