Deja Vu

"..Mr. Deja Vu,
kimi ga inai,
maboroshi ni natta hibi
kizuitara kimi ga inai,
tokei no hari ugokanai,
speak to me.."

Dear lonely isle,

These few days have been a challenge for me.
I don't know why but I feel very drained. I am constantly tired. Yet I do not sleep.
And every day it gets worse. So much so that right now, every time I sit down, my body threatens to shut down, and even now, I feel my eyelids getting heavy.
When I stop talking, I feel the fatigue set in. When I rest or stand still I sway, because I don't have the strength to keep upright.
I can't lean on things, because if I shift my weight onto something else, I'm in danger of falling asleep.
I don't know why, but I refuse to sleep.
If life is one long nightmare, when will we wake up?
Then by going to sleep do we wake up?
Then the dream is the reality, and reality is a dream.
But what is truly real?
Is it what we feel, what we touch what we see?
Or is it what our mind tells us to be real?
Going through life in a daze now, the lines blur and I cannot be sure what is and what isn't.
So when we close our eyes at night, we see what we think, what we believe. But is that a dream?
Is the world we see in our minds more real than the reality?
What is reality other than a place for us to feel?
In our minds we are truly free. Free from constraints and everything else. So freedom in reality isn't freedom.
No one can take away the sights and sounds in your head.
A painting that exists only in the imagination. A symphony yet to be composed, already played in the mind like a bad pop song. A story yet to be told, already unfurled and unfolded in the head.
What are they? Might-have-beens?
Or are they real? Do they not exist only because it hasn't been fleshed? Because it only lives in the mind?
What is real?
What is not?

Do we dream? Or do we live the dream?

love, joyce.

The Lonely Isle

"..folly is a human instinct,
we follow it to our destruction,
and dance in the flames of our foolishness.."

Dear lonely isle,

The world spins on it's axis so we have daylight before passing into shadow. It's the same all around the world. While some places get more daylight than others and some less, and others get severe winters where the sun doesn't shine at all.
But still come spring, the sun will shine, even if it's for a short while.
Just as the earth cannot escape the sun's light, we humans cannot escape the bonds that tie us all.
No man is an island.
Someone said this before. I cannot remember who, but that's not the point.
But is it possible for a man to be an island?
To have no contact with the world, to break all ties and sever all bonds with others.
I have recently lost a friend. And though he be a friend i wasn't very close to, or not as close as wished i was, still I felt his loss.
One can only imagine the devastation felt by those who knew him better.
The dead have it easy. It's the living who suffer.
So then maybe we should all be islands. To be alone, for every heart we touch will break at our demise. To be a hermit, so that none may mourn our death. To be closed from the world, so that we do not feel the pain of losing someone dear.
But to be alone is something we weren't meant to be. We weren't made that way.
That is why we constantly reach out for others. Again and again. Even if we are pushed away.
Humans strive for companionship, even if it comes back to bite us in the ass. We all need company, be it man, animal, creature or imagination.
We hurt when we something dear is taken from us, yet still we form attachments, ties that link our soul to others. And everytime you love, you grant someone the power to hurt you. You give a piece of your heart away and watch it jump from your chest, leaving you. Off to see the wide wide world.
I've said it before, I haven't had a full heart in a long time.
It's bruised battered, filled with cracks and holes. Yet it still stands. For if its the one thing we were made that's right, we were built to last and to endure. Pain is pain. And pain will pass. Even if it lasts forever, pain ebbs, like the tides of the sea. They rise and they fall. And each fresh wave is a new wound.
So humans were made to suffer. And because we were, we search for something beyond the suffering. Some meaning to an endless task, a repeating cycle of suffering.
We search for happiness.
But happiness is a trivial thing. It can be taken away.
That which can make you, will also break you.
Why do we give ourselves more reason to suffer?
Maybe because we need a reason. To feel pain is to know we live. That we're alive. That we feel.
To be happy is to be alive. To have lived.
We live to experience today, and to expect a tomorrow.
Someone told me that.
So we live for the now. Whatever troubles tomorrow may bring is for tomorrow.

Right now, here, today,
we are alive.
And in the end, is all that matters.

love, joyce.

chibi chibi ^.^  

friends forever...and ever and ever ~ Athrun & Kira 

"..I know what's going on between you and Yuuna,
and as expected,
I don't like it.."
Athrun

together always ~ Kira & Lacus 

I will protect you 

~ I love Athrun! ~

~ shinn the arrogant bastard vs kira the great ~

will this like ever happen??? 

"..if you damage or mislay a single piece of you knight's armour,
I will personally damage and mislay a piece of you.
And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.."
Sargeant Rockwell, Templar.

Paganism

"..Rockhead smells rich and rare,
like a well-matured piece of cheese.
No baths for Templars.
Hot water is for girls, porridge, and other soft, wet things.
If a Templar wants a bath he can go and stand in the rain.
That's what God put it there for.."

Dear lonely isle,

Now's the time for a little advertising, since christmas is around the corner anyway. *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*

• Once upon a time, there was a book.
• The title was 'Pagan's crusade'.
• God I love that book.
• It's not very thick ~ light reading =)
  
• And the words aren't very small ~ easy on the eyes
• It's filled with sarcasm ~ all the more reason to read it
• And it's not very expensive ~ easy on your wallet
• It's considered a children's book ~ so was anything written by Garth Nix
• It's about a boy called Pagan and his er misadventures when he applies to join the Templars.
• Naturally, after a few pages, he really wished he hadn't. Having to grow a beard overnight might have something to do with it. (or as Pagan puts it, he'll look like one of the godless infidels, and might be mistakenly killed by Lord Roland.)
  
• He is assigned to be a squire to a knight, Lord Roland Roucy De Bram.
• Never have I seen such a good man before. And I mean it, Lord Roland is a good man. There's no other word for someone as noble. (unless you count in 'imbecility'. Nobles tend to think with their honour rather than their brains. But he really is such a good guy. As Pagan puts it, he's so good he doesn't know how to be bad...)
• Pagan on the other hand is not like Lord Roland, or so Lord Roland says (Pagan: *rolling eyes* WOW. What a revelation. ) Truth is, other than both being human and male, Pagan is almost the complete opposite of Lord Roland, and although it doesn't make him a complete scoundrel, nevertheless he has his head more firmly planted in reality rather than somewhere in the heavens. Also, he believes in the ugly side of humanity and is not unwilling to get his hands dirty once in awhile (figuratively speaking).
  
• Pagan has a rough childhood and everything he is today is probably a result of bad upbringing.
  
• Lord Roland was probably raised by Lady Valiant and Lord Noble in the Castle of Chivalry. And his 12 playmates, Truth, Justice, Honour, Patience, Steadfast, Chastity, Good Manners, (and all other manner of good things, I cannot remember them at the moment) etc. And he was probably given a small figurine of Saint George to play with when he was younger.
• He is a kind man, with inhuman patience (anyone is, to put up with Pagan.). Always willing to serve, (though he tends to run away from women, due to his vow of er what again? Poverty? No. Chastity? Isn't that for women? Anyway, some vow which means he can't marry or something...) he looks out for Pagan and really cares for him. (Pagan cares for him too, in a somewhat wayward way...)
• All we need now is for Pagan to be a girl.
• But unfortunately, Pagan is no girl.
• The story is set during the time when Jerusalem was taken by the Muslims.
• Kingdom Of Heaven anyone? To understand the story better, it is best to watch the show. ( Orlando Bloom stars in the show, by the way..)
• And Lord Balian of Ibelin makes an appearance in the book *hehe* (more like holds out against the siege actually, and from the description, he looks nothing like Orlando Bloom..too bad the leper king wasn't mentioned much in the book...I liked him in the show.)
• Apparently there are more books about Pagan to come, and this would be the first of four books.

You might want to give it a try.
Unless you don't understand sarcasm.

love, joyce.

Cultivating Fungus

"..Kippei-onii-chan!!
I love you!
I love lunches!.."

Dear lonely isle,

I read this somewhere.
Aishiteruze Baby: This anime is like fungus. It grows on you.
How true..
Truly now I am covered from head to toe with the saprophytic plant otherwise known as fungus by the name of Aishiteruzeus babyeus. Common name, Aishiteruze Baby.

It's not unpleasant, quite the contrary actually. I rather like the feel of this anime. A lot.
It's rather different from most of the anime I watch.

For instance,

• there is nothing about saving the world. It's an anime about a teenage boy and a little girl.
• there are no vampires.
• there is no magic, save for the magic of the squishy, rather sappy emotion we all possess. Otherwise known as love.
• heroes do not carry big swords or weapons of any kind. Kippei carries his school bag and Yuzuyu most of the time.
• heroes do not charge at the bad guys screaming 'I'll kill you!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE!'. Kippei tends to shout things along the line of 'It's YUMMY!!' and 'Yuzuyu you're a GENIUS!! GENIUS!! Good girl!'
• there is no blood involved. There is no violence for that matter too, unless you count the domestic violence of an elder sister punching her brother for being disrespectful.
  
• limbs are not severed and lying all over the place.
• the bad guy is a stalker in love with the hero. And does nothing threatening to the general public along the lines of 'Marry me, or I'll blow the world to pieces!'. Instead, she throws away the crayons of a 5 year-old girl. There is also no mention of world domination in her dialogue.
  
• terror has a name. She's called 'Onee-sama'.
  
• there is no quest. No stolen jewels or take back nor sacred items to steal. The main goal is the same everyday. Get to school on time. And get Yuzuyu from kindergarten on time too..
• skills that hero possesses : moronic incapacitation around girls, inability to understand girls no matter what the age, and 'DASH!', always used to get to both the hero and heroine to school on time.
• the hero makes bentos. And onigiri. And arranges the vegetables into the shape of a bear.
  
• side kicks include a younger brother who predicted the end of the world at the time of his birth, and whose first words were the announcement of his name at the age of 20 minutes into the world.
  
• cool is when you play in the sandbox with your younger cousin without bothering about dirtying your clothes and holding her hand. And your reward is the happiest smile and the most infectious laugh of a little girl.
  

Yes. I actually like this show. A lot.
What can I say?

Aishiteruze baby.

love, joyce.

~ Kokoro you lucky girl.... 

~ More Aishiteruze Baby 

Aishiteruze Baby ~ I Love You Baby 

Abundant, Rare, Endangered or Extinct?

"..I'll wake up,
so you can sleep.."

Dear lonely isle,

Have you watched Aishiteruze Baby?
Where do you find a guy like that?

Does he exist?

love, joyce.

True Beauty

"..you're beautiful,
you're beautiful,
it's true,
but I never want to be with you.."

Dear lonely isle,

In form 5 I was once asked to write an essay on a memorable experience, one I would not forget. I wrote that I was a finalist in a beauty pageant. Miss Universe to be exact. And while nothing could be further from the truth than me participating in the contest as a contestant, I repeat, a contestant, much less even getting into the top 3, just bear in mind that it was an essay.
And no where was it stated that it had to be true.
I can understand how everybody wants to be a beauty queen. Indeed, even queens want to be beauty queens.
However, I understand that the world is a place of disappointments, and we were all made different, and we are all special and beautiful in our own way, and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, yada yada yada, blah blah blah, etc, etc... we've heard it all before.
Even so, shouldn't beauty pageants be about beauty?
Heck, if you're talking about inner beauty, then we're obviously not talking about the same thing here.
But nope, beauty wasn't enough. Someone said, "Why can't we have brains too? Oh and while you're at it, might as well throw in some compassion and a pledge for world peace."
And thus, the current famous answer to most pageant questions is, 'World peace.' Smile. Nod. Smile. Repeat if the buzzer hasn't sounded yet.
As the years roll by, somehow, we do get brains with beauty. They seem to appear more and more often these days though. Must be the rolling tide of education, and womens' rights to attaining them.
However, yesterday, when I was watching a pageant of some sort, it occured to me that that was probably some kind of scam. Nevermind what scam it was. I saw no point to it.
Even more surprising was the way it was judged.
Try as I might, I cannot tell how they judged it.
It was a Miss Oriental Pageant of sorts. Or some chinese thing or other.
For a chinese pageant, the only thing chinese all the contestants agreed on was the name.
Most didn't look chinese. And fewer could speak chinese. One spoke russian.
The common ambition for the night was 'to become a famous actress/singer/model'.
And everyone's greatest dream was to 'tour the world'. Thumbs up to the one who said she would do it with a loved one. Creative genius.
And at the end of the night, looking at the 3 finalists, I can surmise that it definitely wasn't judged on beauty neither was it judged on brains. Even less so was it judged with brains. Maybe there were brains involved. There either wasn't very much of it, or it wasn't used.
Another thing I must comment on is the stage. It was decorated with a larger than life version of what must be a rafflesia. No other flower looks quite like that. A stinking, huge, parasite. The symbol of beauty.
Even more surprising is, rather than annoucing the winner of the night, they made the top 9 finalists pour some water into a glass of red-looking goo.
As they took their turn one at a time, an ugly digital bud appeared at the side of the screen.
This was the Great Idea: If the flower blooms when you pour the water, you are our new Miss Whatever Whatever 2005.
Never mind which eejiot came up with the idea, may he be forgiven for having the intelligence of a rock.
*gasp!* How insulting!
Yes, yes, I agree. I've known some rather intelligent rocks...
Anyway the flower that was supposed to bloom at the touch of love from the 'true' beauty queen that night was a rafflesia. The stinking parasite. The symbol of beauty.
Truly, what a novelty.
Needless to say most contestants were stick thin and rather dumb girls. (except the one from Thailand. She definitely looked rather male to me...)
Most could tell left from right, not including those that messed up the dance.
And truly, what a dance it was. My deceased great-grandmother could have done it in her grave.
Let's see, it went like this.
1. lift up arms
2. wiggle arms
3. walk to the left
4. walk to the right
5. repeat steps 1 to 4 facing all four corners of the room. One at a time. You get to pick whether you would like to turn anti-clockwise or clockwise. Just don't do both at the same time.
They had the previous winner from the year before to crown the new queen (what? the scam's been going on for years??).
Once again, I can see why this year's queen was chosen.
The ex-queen would walk to one end. Pose. Tell the audience 'no thank you' with an arm gesture. Walk back to the other end. Repeat arm gesture.
Really. Was it that hard to learn how to wave?
And then I see the top 3 finalists.
All 3 who express 'no thank you' after receiving their crowns, robes, flowers, suchlike.
While smiling of course.

It was the one thing they all did do.

Nevermind they didn't do it right.

love, joyce.

What I Did On My Holidays

"..the more we take,
the less we become,
a fortune for one,
that means less for some.."

Dear lonely isle,

From the day we arrive till the day we leave, we leave behind many things during our stay, like an irresponsible hotel guest at the World Inn.
We leave footprints all over the Bathroom Floor of Reality, and tread mud into the Carpets of Humanity.
And along the way, we manage to break the Lampshed of Human Hearts, and probably stain the Blankets of Purity. Yes, humans are dirty, messy, and overall rather careless creatures.
But sometimes we do the right things, like packing into our suitcases the Towels of Friendship and nicking the Shampoo and Soap Bottles of Love and Care, on our last day.
Of course, everybody knows that when we check out at the Lobby of Mortality, that's when we pay our debts.
That would be the time we look carefully at the bill presented, and remind ourselves all the services used during our stay. And somehow we'll always forget that drink we ordered the night we drank too much, or the laundry services that somehow accumulated to quite a bit.
What about those phone calls when we were lonely, or maybe the electric kettle we broke?
Yes, it's the little things that escape us.
And then it's time to separate those who can afford their stay, and those who can't.
Sometimes, judgement day is nothing more than footing the bill. And those who are found wanting end up washing the dishes. (or bedsheets or floors. But that's not the point.)
It is everyone's dream to leave by the front door, glad of a good stay and finally going home.
But some of us are not so fortunate.
Most of the time however, our undoing, is of our own doing.
Life is one long holiday on a little paradise called earth.

So how have you been enjoying your stay?

love, joyce.

I Will Remember You

I will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories

remember the good times we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
how clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun
wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
standing on the edge of something much too deep
it's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
we are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

but I will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

and I will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories

weep not for the memories

Sarah McLachlan

Loveless

"..even if you hold me until we suffocate,
we'll never become one.."

Dear lonely isle,

What are friends?

Someone very close to me once told me that a friend is a person I may see everyday, or I may meet most of the time, but it's not someone I'm gonna live with for the rest of my life.
I don't know why, but that hurt, a lot.
Maybe it's because I realise that I don't see things that way...
Maybe I'm just a fool living in a dream.

I've always put friends first. I don't know why, but even loves of my life take a backseat.
Boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever.
Or so I thought.
Maybe that is not the case, and I've just been foolishly believing .

When I look back in my life, I wonder how much of a difference I have made.
What have I done that would leave a mark, even if I'm gone.
And would my deeds leave an imprint in the people i know, even for awhile.
Whether it would mean anything to anyone if i died.

Someone asked me that before.
And another said that no one would care if he died.
And I assured both that someone would. If nobody would, I would.
But then again, maybe it doesn't matter if I do care.
Because I'm not the one who's supposed to care.
So it doesn't matter if I did, because it's me.
But would anyone care for the one who does?

If I had a funeral, I'd probably like everyone to not turn up.
Perhaps so that even if nobody does, I can still whisper to myself it's because I didn't want them to.
And not because they didn't want to.

I think I'll just not have a funeral.
It seems to cover all eventualities.

Perhaps I'm being bitter.
Aren't we all?

I know I should not write this.
And indeed I feel guilty.
But I guess the words come out easier when you don't have to say them.
It's easier to pour out in words than to speak them.

Everytime I feel insecure, I remind myself that I have no reason to be.
There's only so many times someone can tell you not to I guess...

I once told someone that you don't need anything.
You didn't need proof of existance, that sometimes you don't need to be able to prove everything to prove that you're alive.

But when you begin to doubt yourself

I guess I need an anchor.

Even this island threatens to float away.

love, joyce.

Holidays

Dear lonely isle,

Just a recap of what I've been doing all this while I've been silent.

love, joyce.

~ rakuen  

aim for paradise 

little girls with big guns... 

abel is too cool ^.^ 

loveless ~ destined to be unloved... 

love for the loveless... 

the RO fever is back, or so I've heard...

despite popular belief, they do not, I repeat, DO NOT give me nightmares. another good book by terry =) 

wonderful wonderful book...