Thursday, December 01, 2005


"..even if you hold me until we suffocate,
we'll never become one

Dear lonely isle,

What are friends?

Someone very close to me once told me that a friend is a person I may see everyday, or I may meet most of the time, but it's not someone I'm gonna live with for the rest of my life.
I don't know why, but that hurt, a lot.
Maybe it's because I realise that I don't see things that way...
Maybe I'm just a fool living in a dream.

I've always put friends first. I don't know why, but even loves of my life take a backseat.
Boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever.
Or so I thought.
Maybe that is not the case, and I've just been foolishly believing .

When I look back in my life, I wonder how much of a difference I have made.
What have I done that would leave a mark, even if I'm gone.
And would my deeds leave an imprint in the people i know, even for awhile.
Whether it would mean anything to anyone if i died.

Someone asked me that before.
And another said that no one would care if he died.
And I assured both that someone would. If nobody would, I would.
But then again, maybe it doesn't matter if I do care.
Because I'm not the one who's supposed to care.
So it doesn't matter if I did, because it's me.
But would anyone care for the one who does?

If I had a funeral, I'd probably like everyone to not turn up.
Perhaps so that even if nobody does, I can still whisper to myself it's because I didn't want them to.
And not because they didn't want to.

I think I'll just not have a funeral.
It seems to cover all eventualities.

Perhaps I'm being bitter.
Aren't we all?

I know I should not write this.
And indeed I feel guilty.
But I guess the words come out easier when you don't have to say them.
It's easier to pour out in words than to speak them.

Everytime I feel insecure, I remind myself that I have no reason to be.
There's only so many times someone can tell you not to I guess...

I once told someone that you don't need anything.
You didn't need proof of existance, that sometimes you don't need to be able to prove everything to prove that you're alive.

But when you begin to doubt yourself

I guess I need an anchor.

Even this island threatens to float away.

love, joyce.