Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Day Ten

"..I'm sorry I can't be perfect.."

Dear lonely isle,

You can't please everybody. The best you can do, is to please yourself.

I can't remember where I heard that line before, or where I might have read it.
But I do remember learning that lesson some time ago in Sabah.

Perhaps, I may have remember wrongly.
Or mayhaps I've forgotten it.

I learnt it again tonight.

Maybe it has to do with me being the kind of person I am.
Despite the fact that I am sometimes a bitch, and that I don't really care much about what other people may think, still, deep, deep, down inside, I guess I was, I am and I will always be, a people pleaser.

If there was ever a person built for democracy, it would be me.
I thrive on consensus, and actually tend to make decisions that way.
Besides Joyce, there is also Joyce, whom I rely on for conversation and repartee, and then there's also Joyce, Joyce and Joyce, and we all vote on decisions.

Which probably explains why I'm so fickle-minded when I'm alone, and can be indecisive to a fault. I probably can't decide on something to save my life.

But then again, ever the master of contradiction, I do enjoy dictator-style decision-making under certain circumstances. Usually when I already have an idea in mind, or a particular way I'd like things done, and always, when perfection is required.

I guess most of us are like that in more ways than one.

In spite of everything that I am, and everything that I may seem, I do seem to have been made without the confident self-assurance that some people were born with.
Try as I might, I cannot escape the need for approval.

Being an impulsive person, I tend to act without regard to what others may think, yet I constantly seek approval and support.
And these are the people for whom I cry for, because their approval means more to me than anything, and their support is my reason for existence.

Raison d'etre.

You've never admitted, even to yourself, how much they mean to you, but looking back at your life, you realize that everything you've done, has always been for them.
And that was something even you had failed to notice.

Sometimes, you just need to learn to live for yourself.
And to just be, in anything you do, for yourself.

You can't live your life for someone else. The most you can do, is live it for you.

Whoever they were, they were right. Working life is definitely a new experience.
Already I'm learning something new everyday.

I hate to admit this, but I'm probably a very slow learner.
I'm only beginning to catch up on what others have realized years and years ago.

Still, it's never too late, and it's better late than never.

Love, Joyce.