Unwell

"..for all of the times we've fought

for all of the things I'm not

don't care where we've been

I'd sink us to swim.."

Dear lonely isle,

These few days have been...a blur.

I feel like the days flew by, because its suddenly the weekend coming up to meet me again.

Or maybe I fell down, and this is reality coming the other way.

Sometimes I wake up feeling like I haven't slept.

And I know this is true, because I fall asleep when people are talking to me.

Perhaps a better way of putting it would be; when I'm listening to others.

When I feel I can relax a little, I fall asleep.

The times I feel most alive is when I'm on the phone, when the beep comes in, telling me there's someone on the other end of the line needing my help.

And I live for those times.

The moment I get off I feel as if I've turned off the power supply, and let myself run on hibernate.

Most of the time I feel like my poor abused laptop, forever on hibernate.

But hey, wasn't it my motto?

When you feel you're spent, there's always a bit more of you to give.

And it seems that I'm not running out of pieces to give.

Maybe the pieces are getting smaller, and a little frayed and tattered at the edges, but there's still more where its coming from.

I'm starting to feel that there's no such thing as enough sleep.

Because I'm always feeling so spent.

Some days I'm so tired I can't sleep.

Because I'm aching too much.

And every morning is hell.

Maybe that's why I like the train rides.

Despite the fact that its a little too crowded, a little too cold, and a little too early, I need it.

I need the time it takes for me to go to work, because I'd be feeling a lot better when I arrive.

Even on mornings when some car splashes water on you as it speeds past.

Even on mornings when you're sneezing non-stop in the train.

Even on mornings when your eyes are red, teary and painful, and you feel like there are a thousand elephants stampeding around in your head.

Because someone said to give even more when you have less to give.

I'm not sure how things are going to go.

Like how my laptop crashes when it burns up, I'm probably heading the same way.

But somehow I still feel that I'm heading in the right direction.

I just wish the rest of my body could feel the same way.

Or at least, be more supportive.

Love, Joyce.

Sleepwalking

"..I can't turn this around,

I keep running into walls that I can't break down.."

Dear lonely isle,

Let the sleepless nights begin.

Much as I should be in bed by now, and fast asleep, I'm not.

Much as my body is very tired, my brain seems to have found the strength to go on.

Much as I would hope for a good night's sleep, I believe that tonight is not that night.

Do you believe in destiny?

I'll always believe that we make our own destiny.

That even though something may be written in the stars, its up to us to pick up the pen.

And also up to us to continue following the writ to the letter.

I'll always believe that we fight for what we have today, here and now.

Because if there is something such as a destiny, and fate, that dictates the lives of men, I'd probably convert to one of the numerous faiths we have in the world, and pray that my destiny will chart me a course close to the waters I hope to tread.

Because if truly we were always 'meant' for something, then perhaps there is no place left for hard work, and determination, and dedication, and honesty.

I think this would be the closest thing I have to a belief.

So what do you do, when life yet again, presents you with a choice?

When it doth again, places before your plate, two selections?

When it yet again, shows you a place in the woods where two paths diverge?

Two roads from which there is no reverse or return.

Maybe they lead up to the same path, maybe they lead down to entirely different circumstances.

You don't know. You can't know.

There's too many 'if's.

And too little 'how's.

Plenty of 'what's.

And too few 'why's.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Robert Frost made his choice.

Somehow, I'm going to have to make mine.

And I have no idea how.

All this thinking cannot be good, if nothing comes out of it.

I've taken out all my cards, even the ones I hid in my sleeve, in my pocket, and down my collar, and laid them out on the table.

Perhaps right now its still a rather private table, but nonetheless, I'm being honest.

And I've taken a good look at all of them, and tried to stare them down.

But yet, like a poor tarot reader, I still can't make sense of what I see.

I stare and I look, and I try sorting them into different piles.

I tried flipping some over, to uncomplicate the picture.

And still I've arrived at naught.

I know what I want. But what I want is wrong.

Is it?

Despite everything, I feel like I'm back where I started months ago.

Somehow, even though I've traveled, I haven't progressed.

I realize that this is probably an easy decision to make, but I'm still hesitating at the crossroads.

Until now, you're still such a sore loser.

You're afraid to take another step, for fear of what you might lose.

Coward.

Love, Joyce.

Blind Faith

"..when life is a bitter pill to swallow

you've got to hold on to what you believe

believe that the sun will shine tomorrow

and that your saints and sinners bleed.."

Dear lonely isle,

Today someone said I seem to be enjoying the best in life.

I believe I do.

I didn't realize it, but I am.

I know it seems superficial to claim that I'm enjoying the best in life at only 22 years of age, with no work experience, no house or car to my name and with less money than I'd like in my bank. Also, did I mention I wasn't married?

But I believe that the best in life will always change. What may have seemed like the best five years ago, won't be the best now. And what is the best now, probably will have changed five years from now.

But right here, right now, where I'm standing, I'm definitely in love with the view.

And maybe I'm just a fool, because I know that things are going to be tough, but maybe while my brain has arrived at that conclusion, the rest of me hasn't realized it yet.

And like a fool who sets sail to sea without looking at the map in hand, I can already foresee the dark skies and pouring rain in the journey ahead.

Yet, this fool is smiling. Because its a good day.

In fact, the weather has been damn well fine for as long as he can remember.

If this were a movie you'd just know that this ship is going to hit some rocks or shallow reef and end up a beached whale.

But the fool behind the wheel knows that, if it does happen, that's okay.

Sometimes we can only plan where we want to go.

We may very well end up in a completely different place altogether.

The waters of the Ocean of Life oft times have a mind of their own, and they may decide to lead us down a different path.

"..and somehow I know that it'll all turn out

you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.."

So. It's been fine weather so far.

And if we hit some rocks it's okay. Because if the ship sinks we'll just swim.

And if we hit the beach we'll make camp.

And if we drown, well. It's going to be a bigger adventure than I thought.

But an adventure nonetheless.

If the world ends tomorrow, we'll all be in heaven by then.

I used to believe in this, once upon a time.

And then somewhere along the way, I lost my faith.

I must have found it again, when I tripped and fell.

Whatever comes, comes.

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always remember to bring your own sunshine.

Someone once told me this. I believe its the best advice for anything you aspire to do.

Right now, you're my sunshine.

I promise you, I'm going to make this work.

"..just don't give up, I'm working this out

please don't give in, I won't let you down.."

Because you said to have faith in you.

So I will.

love, Joyce.

PS: I'm reeking so much of positivity I'm not going to be able to stand myself soon.

Heaven Can Wait

Here's a song

for the nights I think too much

and here's a song

when I imagine us together

here's a song

for when we talk too much and I forget my words

heaven can wait

up high in the sky

it's you and I

heaven can wait

deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

tell me you want me to stay, forever

cos heaven can wait

here's a song

for the one who stole my heart

and ran so far

that cupid couldn't catch him

here's a song

for the girl who aims so high

she shot him down

heaven can wait

up high in the sky

it's you and I

heaven can wait

deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

tell me you want me to stay, forever

cos heaven can wait

here's a song

for the nights

I drank too much and spilled my words

heaven can wait

up high in the sky

it's you and I

heaven can wait

deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

tell me you want me to stay, forever

cos heaven can wait

cos heaven can wait.

We The Kings

Heaven Can Wait