I miss you.

Growing Pains

"..stop and stare,
you start to wonder why you're here not there,
and you'd give anything to get what's fair,
but fair ain't what you really need,
can you see what I see?.."

Dear lonely isle,

Have you ever thought about how you were when you were younger?
What you wanted to be when you grow up.
What you thought you'd be when you grow up.
And where you actually are now.

Have you ever had big dreams?
Things that seemed so possible when you were a lot shorter.
And a lot smaller.
And when you weren't quite as knowledgeable as you are today.
(knowledgeable, because there are times I feel stupider than my younger self)

Have you ever wondered what happened to them?

Do you sometimes feel frustrated with yourself?
Because everything you thought you would be, turned out so completely the other way.
Because all the confidence you used to have, faded away with each wave of reality crashing on your shores.
Because even after all these years, you still remain that little girl inside.

That the butterfly in you never emerged.
Realizing that you were meant to spend your life as a hairy caterpillar.

As we grow up, somehow the world grew smaller, and darker.
And greyer.

And sometimes you realize that maybe the world looked a lot better then because you hadn't learn to see very well yet.

Sometimes I feel that way.

And I realize I've come a long long way.
A long way from the little girl in braids (4 to be exact) and ponytails.
A long way from the little girl in tights and ballet leotard and hair all done up in a bun.
A really long way from the little girl that thought she would grow up to be blond.

You learn that sometimes even though you really believed in something, it will never, ever come true.

Other times you learn that the things you don't like will never, ever go away.
That they will never get intimidated by you just because you're a lot bigger and fatter now.
Or wiser (I hope) than you were.

Then there are lessons you learn as you get older.
That friends are hard to find. And even harder to keep.
That your parents are the only people in the world that will love you unconditionally.
That there really is no such thing as justice, or truth, or mercy in this world, save the virtues you hold in your heart.
That you can only be responsible for yourself. And that you should be the only person you're responsible for and accountable to.
That everything between God and you, is between God and you. No one should dictate otherwise.
That everything you do, will come back to bite you in the ass one day. And that's a promise as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.
That people don't like you instantaneously upon meeting you. If you're not utterly alone and truly hated by the world, you must have done something right to at least one person.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back and do things differently.
Sometimes you wish you knew then what you knew now.

But at other times, you realize all those mistakes you made, made you the person you are today.

And sometimes, that's not quite so bad. Because eventually, you learn the lesson of learning to live with yourself.

With what you can do.
With what you didn't do.
With what you didn't achieve.
With what you did.
And hopefully, with what you will.

love, Joyce.

Love From Down Under

Thank you baby.

They're absolutely beautiful :)

*hugs*

Happy birthday to us :)

If I Ain't Got You

Dear baby,

Happy Anniversary.
It's been the most wonderful 2 years with you.

some people live for the fortune
some people live just for the fame
some people live for the power
some people live just to play the game

some people think that the physical things
define what's within
and I've been there before but that life's a bore
so full of the superficial

some people want it all
but I don't want nothing at all
if it ain't you baby
if I ain't got you baby

some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
if I ain't got you

some people search for a fountain
that promises forever young
some people need three dozen roses
and that's the only way to prove you love him

hand me the world on a silver platter
and what good would it be?
with no one to share
with no one who truly cares for me

some people want it all
but I don't want nothing at all
if it ain't you baby
if I ain't got you baby

some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
if I ain't got you

some people want it all
but I don't want nothing at all
if it ain't you baby
if I ain't got you baby

some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
if I ain't got you

if I ain't got you with me baby
said nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing

if I ain't got you with me baby.

Alicia Keys
If I Ain't Got You

If I ain't got you baby,
It'd be a terribly lonely world to be in.

Wouldn't want to be in it without you with me.

I love you,
more than words can describe,
more than every moment in my life,
more than I can ever say.

love, Joyce.

Lost

"..something's getting in the way,
something's just about to break,
I will try to find my place,
in the diary of Jane
as I burn another page,
as I look the other way,
I still try to find my place,
in the diary of Jane.."

Dear lonely isle,

I know I don't usually blog about this, but I think I don't really know what's going on anymore.
I feel so out of sync, so out of my life these days.

The days just feel so long, and it takes forever just to get to the end of the day.

I feel like I can't connect to anyone anymore. If life is a party in a house with everyone you know, I feel like I'm left outside. In the cold.

I know I've changed. Something feels different somehow, but I don't know what.
I feel like I left something behind.

Maybe that's why I don't blog about this, because it sounds silly even as a I see it on paper, in writing. And yet I still can't describe it.

Truth be told, I don't know what I want anymore.
There are times I don't even know if I want anything anymore.
I look inside, and I don't see anything. I used to see people, and things and dreams.
Now I don't see anything. And the emptiness scares me.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me, why do I consistently try to ruin everything good in my life, or why do I head down the path the destroy the best thing that has happen to me.
Or why can't I just be happy.
I know I don't do it intentionally.

But somehow it's just what I've been doing. And maybe I've been blaming everything and everyone for how miserable I am, when in fact I'm just making myself miserable.
And I don't know why.

My eyes hurt a lot these days. They always seem to be sore and red and itchy.
Maybe I need eyedrops, maybe I just cry too much.

Sometimes I think I need religion, to find a higher meaning to life. But then again, I'm too skeptical for religion. And I find it too much of a commitment.

Sometimes I think I just need to go home. But I'm not sure if what I want is there anymore.
Or if I want anything for that matter.

Sometimes I break down and cry when I drive alone. Sometimes the sky just looks too cloudy. Sometimes it's just too hot.

Sometimes I find I work too hard. And too much.
But it's the only way to make the time pass faster.
Without feeling guilty.

Sometimes I feel like I cannot do anything right anymore. I fumble up everything I do.
And I mess up everytime I try to make it right. I feel that no matter what I try to do, somehow I always make things worse, that all I'm good for is nothing, except to wreck things.
I'm so good at it, I even messed up myself. I'm just no good.

Sometimes I feel have so much to say. But when I pick up the phone nothing comes out.
I wonder why.
Why does it feel as if it's so difficult to talk.
Why does it get so hard.

Sometimes I find that I don't belong anywhere anymore. That everywhere I go I feel like an outcast, a stranger to society.

Sometimes I feel like putting up a poster, to advertise my lost. To look for myself.
Because I really don't know where to look for her anymore.

Have you seen me?
I'm missing.

love, Joyce.

Dear lonely isle,

It's really just you and me now.

You know one of the cats on my screen? Her name is Fafa.
Sometimes she gets lonely and cries. But when you click on her, she smiles again.

I wish I could be like that too sometimes.

Because now I can't stop.

Finals start next week. And somehow.

It doesn't matter anymore.

love, Joyce.

Cute Stuff

Dear lonely isle,

I have screenmates! 4 of em :)
3 cats and a sheep. All to keep me company on long nights doing reports, assignments and studying.

Cats are well, cats, cute but pretty boring.

But the sheep...the sheep is something different.
My sheep is capable of going nuclear like Peter from Heroes and takes a bath after fireballing out of the sky. Occasionally it will get beamed up by aliens in spaceships and eat flowers.
The sheep can piddle.
It can also dance, walk on its forelegs, sleep and fall down.
Oh, and it chases female sheep. Or observe them closely when they pass by. It's a healthy ram after all....

Here's them on my blog :P

Here's them on my wallpaper.
Yup, that's a screen cap of my current wallie. I like my wallies clean and empty.

And here's the sheep after a bath.
Missed the fireballing action =(

Yes, people who are stressed need an outlet.

love, Joyce.

We. Have. Kittens.

Dear lonely isle,

We have kittens!
Dear lord, of course they didn't just fall out of the sky!

After a long (3 months), hard (for us), pregnancy, Cat finally gave birth to 3 adorable kittens; one tortoiseshell (like herself ;P), one marmalade and one with brown and black patches.

But alas, the momentous birth was not without tragedy...
On the third day or so after they were born, a male cat (the beast!) snuck into the house and murdered one of the kittens...the marmalade one..

Yes, murdered I say. I'm using the exact same term my landlady used to describe the atrocious act.

So we started closing the door, and Cat started getting curfews. That is to say we dictate when she goes in and out of the house, because she obviously can't open the door by herself.

With the preventive measure (door closing) in place, the other 2 kittens were kept from harm.

However, it was not without an extremely annoying and irritating price.

Not used to being confined and let out only a few times a day, Cat developed a habit of meowing NONSTOP whenever she wanted to go out. We would love to let her out, but because of our new door-closing habit, someone has to be around to open the door for Cat when she gets back. And yes, we have to wait for her, because leaving the door open will only invite a second occurance of the incident which made us close the door in the first place, and not waiting for Cat downstairs will result in her kittens starving.

The problem was, Cat wanted to be let out when everyone was going out, so there would be no one left at home to be her bellboy. She also liked going out at 1 am in the morning, and when the inhabitants of the house need to nap and want to sleep. And mind you, she doesn't go for short periods of time. If her kittens have just been fed, she will roam for hours.

When not allowed to have her way, she can really meow the house down. She can meow for the whole day. Literally. Non-stop.

Things got worse when she got a worm infection from eating raw fish. Some idiot thought it was mighty generous to keep feeding Cat raw fish. Don't know who it is. Don't let me find out who. The person will pay dearly. Because Cat threw up worms on the floor.

So the security became even tighter. And we all had to be dewormed. And when she came back smelling of fish one day, she meowed so much I think she sounded different at the end of the day. Cos we didn't let her out.

Things are a lot better now, as Cat is cured (I should think) and the kittens are much older (a month or so old, I lost track of time >.<"), and aren't so reliant on their mother for hourly doses of milk. So Cat is left out of the house longer to roam.

They have recently started exploring areas beyond the study room, after Cat moved them from the box under the stairs to a small box in the study room. They have begun their slow invasion into the house and into our hearts. They have started biting, licking, chewing and scratching (feels ticklish though) anything and everything, toes included. They are learning to climb up the couch and also up the stairs.

And they're getting cuter everyday.

I wish they'd stay this size always. They're so much cuter this small.

Mini Cat and PoloPao (translates to Polo bun in english from cantonese)
Well, their names are pretty obvious, so you should know which is which if you've seen Cat.

Yin Yang

They're both female by the way.
There was some speculations about the gender of Mini Cat,
which resulted in the kitten filed under 'Male' because 'he' had no teats.

It is confirmed today that Mini Cat was misfiled.

Bee Bee noticed that Mini Cat developed slower compared to PoloPao.

PoloPao is a rascal.
She's fast, curious, and very adventurous.

She's not shy around strangers and will bite both house inhabitants and newly found man-creature with the same gusto.

She explored half the living room by the time Mini Cat decided that
the floor beyond the study room doorframe was actually safe to tread on.

One of their quieter moments when I could actually take a picture
without them darting in and out of the frame of view.

Half asleep PoloPao.

Awww....

*whispers*

Good night.

love, Joyce.

These Hard Times

Morning falls like rain
into the city life
there goes another night
losing my breath in waves
knowing that every crash
is bleeding the hourglass
and taking the stride from all our lives

everyone keeps talking
they promise you everything
but they don't mean anything

we may loose our focus
there's just too many words
we're never meant to learn
and we don't feel so alive

say goodbye
these days are gone
and we can't keep holding on
when all we need is some relief
from these hard times

move your hands in circles
keeping me hypnotized
the power behind your eyes
move around your bedroom
cursing the naked sky
you should be here tonight
but you stay alone
and cry

say goodbye
these days are gone
and we can't keep holding on
when all we need is some relief
from these hard times

there's something missing
you'll never feel it but you
you're gonna feel it when it's gone
when it's gone

say goodbye
these days are gone
and we can't keep holding on
when all we need is some relief
through these hard times.

Matchbox 20

These days are so hard to get through.

Morning always seems so far away.

And even so, all it is, all it brings
is just another day.

Yet I can't help but hope
that tomorrow's morning will bring something different.