"...though I've tried, fallen,
I have sunk so low,
I've messed up, better I should know..."
I have sunk so low,
I've messed up, better I should know..."
Dear lonely isle,
I like the song Fallen by Sarah McLachlan very much. Above all, it teaches me humility. Somehow, like the song title, I have fallen down many, many times. Must be the two left feet. I keep tripping up myself.
But the most important thing is to get up, is it not?
But getting up is a lot of hard work. Hell, half the time I fall down just trying to get up. But enough is enough.
Had a look a my blog a week ago, couldn't be more ashamed of myself.
Because when provided with nothing, the human need will drive you to go all out of your way to find it. But when presented with luxury, everything you have you take for granted.
Because even though I had to wake up at 6am on Fridays to use the library back last year, I did. And even though I had to starve myself to use it (can't leave my laptop alone in the library to go for lunch, because the line will be too packed to use when I come back. don't worry, I eat maggi on Friday mornings for breakfast), I still did.
Because even though the line was at neck-breaking slow speeds (you break your own neck out of frustration) it would be faster to send an email by snail mail or personal delivery, I still persevered.
Because even though I had to retype all my blog entries at least 5 or 6 times before blogger would get through, I did. And I did it almost every week.
Because even if it meant skipping dinner to use the hour I have to spare in the library to email my baby, I did.
And because now I have internet a few houses away and I don't use it.
Because I can drive to a friend's house to use her internet and don't do it.
So yes, I am just so ashamed of myself.
There's a lot of things that I saw in my former self just two semesters back, that I don't see in myself now. And I couldn't be more ashamed.
and I really wonder where did that girl go?
I tried so hard to kick myself in the head. Wish I could detach my leg and do it. Nothing quite captures the essence of kicking your own head for being such an ass. That belongs at the other end of the body. The confusion has to be corrected.
My To-Change-What-I-Cannot Accept List has just gotten a lot longer this past couple of weeks.
My To-Accept-What-I-Cannot-Change List still has only a single entry. And I think that will be the hardest of all.
But still, better late than never, no?
And better now, than not at all, is it not?
love, joyce.
I like the song Fallen by Sarah McLachlan very much. Above all, it teaches me humility. Somehow, like the song title, I have fallen down many, many times. Must be the two left feet. I keep tripping up myself.
But the most important thing is to get up, is it not?
But getting up is a lot of hard work. Hell, half the time I fall down just trying to get up. But enough is enough.
Had a look a my blog a week ago, couldn't be more ashamed of myself.
Because when provided with nothing, the human need will drive you to go all out of your way to find it. But when presented with luxury, everything you have you take for granted.
Because even though I had to wake up at 6am on Fridays to use the library back last year, I did. And even though I had to starve myself to use it (can't leave my laptop alone in the library to go for lunch, because the line will be too packed to use when I come back. don't worry, I eat maggi on Friday mornings for breakfast), I still did.
Because even though the line was at neck-breaking slow speeds (you break your own neck out of frustration) it would be faster to send an email by snail mail or personal delivery, I still persevered.
Because even though I had to retype all my blog entries at least 5 or 6 times before blogger would get through, I did. And I did it almost every week.
Because even if it meant skipping dinner to use the hour I have to spare in the library to email my baby, I did.
And because now I have internet a few houses away and I don't use it.
Because I can drive to a friend's house to use her internet and don't do it.
So yes, I am just so ashamed of myself.
There's a lot of things that I saw in my former self just two semesters back, that I don't see in myself now. And I couldn't be more ashamed.
and I really wonder where did that girl go?
I tried so hard to kick myself in the head. Wish I could detach my leg and do it. Nothing quite captures the essence of kicking your own head for being such an ass. That belongs at the other end of the body. The confusion has to be corrected.
My To-Change-What-I-Cannot Accept List has just gotten a lot longer this past couple of weeks.
My To-Accept-What-I-Cannot-Change List still has only a single entry. And I think that will be the hardest of all.
But still, better late than never, no?
And better now, than not at all, is it not?
love, joyce.
0 comments:
Post a Comment