Day Ten

"..I'm sorry I can't be perfect.."

Dear lonely isle,

You can't please everybody. The best you can do, is to please yourself.

I can't remember where I heard that line before, or where I might have read it.

But I do remember learning that lesson some time ago in Sabah.

Perhaps, I may have remember wrongly.

Or mayhaps I've forgotten it.

I learnt it again tonight.

Maybe it has to do with me being the kind of person I am.

Despite the fact that I am sometimes a bitch, and that I don't really care much about what other people may think, still, deep, deep, down inside, I guess I was, I am and I will always be, a people pleaser.

If there was ever a person built for democracy, it would be me.

I thrive on consensus, and actually tend to make decisions that way.

Besides Joyce, there is also Joyce, whom I rely on for conversation and repartee, and then there's also Joyce, Joyce and Joyce, and we all vote on decisions.

Which probably explains why I'm so fickle-minded when I'm alone, and can be indecisive to a fault. I probably can't decide on something to save my life.

But then again, ever the master of contradiction, I do enjoy dictator-style decision-making under certain circumstances. Usually when I already have an idea in mind, or a particular way I'd like things done, and always, when perfection is required.

I guess most of us are like that in more ways than one.

In spite of everything that I am, and everything that I may seem, I do seem to have been made without the confident self-assurance that some people were born with.

Try as I might, I cannot escape the need for approval.

Being an impulsive person, I tend to act without regard to what others may think, yet I constantly seek approval and support.

And these are the people for whom I cry for, because their approval means more to me than anything, and their support is my reason for existence.

Raison d'etre.

You've never admitted, even to yourself, how much they mean to you, but looking back at your life, you realize that everything you've done, has always been for them.

And that was something even you had failed to notice.

Sometimes, you just need to learn to live for yourself.

And to just be, in anything you do, for yourself.

You can't live your life for someone else. The most you can do, is live it for you.

Whoever they were, they were right. Working life is definitely a new experience.

Already I'm learning something new everyday.

I hate to admit this, but I'm probably a very slow learner.

I'm only beginning to catch up on what others have realized years and years ago.

Still, it's never too late, and it's better late than never.

Love, Joyce.

"..the hope we have

is so much to feel good about.."

Dear lonely isle,

Its the quietest its ever been in here.

The silence is calm, soothing.

I could really get used to this.

For once, its not filled with the roar of mumbled thoughts and whispered worries.

For once, it feels really good to be alone.

For once, I am me, and I'm alone inside my head.

Sometimes I wonder how I got from there to here, from then to now.

It used to be the city that never sleeps, now its just a lonely island.

Quiet, and contented.

As I go about my life, through the motions, the routine and the bustle of training, its the same, and yet its different.

Maybe because it feels different on the inside.

Sometimes I get really tired at the end of the day, but no matter how busy it felt, inside I was the tourist on the hammock, reading my favourite book, relaxing by the beach on the lonely island.

There are still little worries and insecurities that nag at me, but they're just quiet murmurs in the vast white emptiness that is now my mind. And right in the middle, is a small patch of blue, a calm spot of sea, with a single island in the middle.

I'd like to believe that this is what meditation feels like.

What a zen state of mind feels like.

What it truly means to look into the Mirror of Erised, and see just your reflection.

I'd like to think that I'm truly happy right now.

And part of it is being able to be me, and just me.

If it were any old me, I'd wish that this could last.

Right now, even if I said it, I don't think I can mean it, because I'm really contented with the moment, and the next, and the one after that, and each one that follows.

Even so, I'm still very much me, and still very much a worrywart more than ever, with not-so-subtle hints of paranoia.

Who else can be perfectly contented, and worry that something might be wrong with them for feeling this way?

Maybe there really is something wrong with me.

Love, Joyce.

Closure

"..do you ever think when you're all alone,
all that we could be, where this thing could go?
am I crazy or falling in love,
is it really just another crush?.."

Dear lonely isle,

Today I close a chapter of a part of my life. Finally.
The memory is an old one, but its one that I haven't been able to let go. Until now.

Pages so dry and dusty, you'd hardly think they'd bring so much warmth when you return to the bookmark you left there all this while. The bookmark you kept returning to every now and then.

The spidery writing has all but faded, but still the words mean so much. Somehow.

And yet somehow, because you've found the missing portion of the ending, it doesn't matter so much anymore. Because there's no more mystery to uncover.

And yet, somehow, because it's finally complete, it means even more than it did before, because you now know how it ends.

It was not the ending you had hoped for, but it was an ending you could not hate.

Like a detective on an unsolved case for decades, you find it hard to let go, and yet at the same time, easier than you had imagined it to be. It's a bittersweet feeling of nostalgia, melancholy, and respite. It tugs at your heartstrings, yet it feels good.

Like a sick man finally dying, you find release at the end of prolonged death, and you quite don't know whether the tears you shed are of sadness, happiness or just pure relief.

As you take one last look at the story you could not finish on your own, you can't help but to smile, that your one last question was answered, even though it was not the answer you expected nor hoped for.

That the hero came back, and he filled in the words in the empty blanks. And gave you closure.

Thank you for what you did tonight. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me.

The piece of ribbon that marked the page was finally removed, no longer needed to guard the page it was entrusted. There was no need for a reminder anymore, when an indentation still remains, like the happy memories you keep.

It's just nice to know, something special happened.

love, Joyce.

Change of Heart

"..who knows what miracles
you can achieve when you believe.."

Dear lonely isle,

Sometimes life throws you curve balls.
So you learn to dodge them.

Sometimes, life is generous and throws you sweets.
So pucker up and suckle the honey.

Sometimes, life feels magnanimous, and offers you choices.
So you follow your instincts and pick the wrong one.

Sometimes, no matter what life does to you, life can never go wrong,
so as long as you always think right.

I've never felt that I made a wrong decision. Ever. Because I always believe the decisions I make are right.

Someone once told me that. I'm still pondering if its true. But I'm starting to believe it is.
The only time you've ever made a mistake, was when you started to doubt yourself.

If you think you can, you usually and almost definitely can.

I've heard that one more times than I can remember. And it really is true.
If you believe you can move worlds and make a difference, you usually can.

Behold the power of the mind. What is life but mind over matter?
What is living but a series of cumulative experiences to fuel the soul?

Maybe that's why winners will always be winners. Because they've never felt like they lost.

Everywhere we turn, positivity and self-help books are multiplying like a bad case of bacteria in the gut. Somehow, changing the way you think, changes everything.

Its the way you perceive, that makes all the difference.

Or does it?

What if life always deals you bad cards, like a rigged poker game NOT in your favour?

When you've always been looking down, it's quite hard to look up, because your neck's gone stiff.
And besides, take your eyes off of your feet for just one moment and you get your steps tangled up.
And then suddenly the ground comes up to meet you.

It's quite hard to see anything else when you're lying face down in mud.

Sometimes, when you've tripped over your left foot one too many times, you'd want to stay down.
And just be left alone.

But what is life if we don't fall down? The wise Alfred once said, why do we fall down, Master Bruce?

So that we learn to pick ourselves up again. And again. And again.
And somehow in the midst of the repetitiveness we learn that we will always keep falling down.
And that we will always be able to get back up. Because once you get over the scrapped knees and bruises, its not so hard after all.

It's unbreakable, the human spirit. The wanting to reach out, break free, touch the heavens, steal fire-it's human nature.

Just like curiosity is man's curse, trying is man's blessing.

I'm so glad I kept trying.
Giving up is not something I've had the courage to do.

Today is a good day.
Maybe there are still rewards for the faithful in this world.

love, Joyce.

The Twenty First Thirteenth

~ September 13th~

a.k.a.
Day I Was Not Looking Forward To

See...forced to smile for the camera

-More love from Down Under-
Thanks baby :)
They're so beautiful

Somehow we decided to play hide and seek with the camera behind the furniture

Thanks so much guys, for going to so much trouble to wake up at ungodly hours to shop for ingredients for the steamboat.
T____T so touched.
It was simple, but the food was good.

And the company was just great :)

Never had quite so many fishballs in my life >.>
(Not in anyway related to the sentence before that)

Happy Potatoes :)
The littlest potato is finally 21 :)

I like my flowers *hugs*

You guys are too sweet :)


(Interlude)
~The Night Before~

Meet Pesca!

Pesca is very huggable

Pesca is so adorable

Pesca can double as a helmet :)

(back to September 13th, we apologise for the commercial break)
~At Luna Rossa~

Yasmin's new bag holder

We attacked the carbonara upon arrival, which accounts for the lack of pictures.
They sure as hell took their time preparing our orders.
(which explains Yasmin's abuse of the furniture/decorative structures)

(Damn) Good Pizza

Starter that became dessert
Tomato slices, stacked with mozarella slices (heavenly, btw) and topped with basil.
One of the Italian signature dishes.
(so is anything with tomato, cheese and basil. Makes you wonder how they came up with the colours of the Italian flag)

Thanks baby :)

Thanks Bee Bee, Mei Kuan dear, Roomie and Yasmin :)

Thanks fansus! :)

It's been a good day ;)

(Ann Gee, your prezzie will be featured in another post with Ziggy k? :) )

PS: My phone refused to charge last night T_____________T Phone problems again *sobs*
*prays* please be okay phone T_____________T

Excavation : In Progress

"..I'm going to smile cos I deserve to,
it'll all get better- in time..''

Dear lonely isle,

I think its been long enough.
Been sitting around waiting for the sky to fall on me and the world to crumble around my ears.
Hid out here in my cave and blasted the doorway to cover the entrance.
But there were no loud crashes or earth shaking tremors.

Think its time I dug my way out from under the rubble to have a peek to check if the world changed while I wallowed in my misery and convinced myself that everything was over.

If the sun still shines in the morning sky and the stars still twinkle in the moonlight,
then the worst that could've happened didn't.
Or possibly hasn't happened yet.
In which case, it still isn't time to hide yet. Nor is it time to run away yet.

And because it isn't time yet, it's time to move on.

I've got too much work waiting to be done, too many things left to be had, too much life waiting to be lived.

love, Joyce.

Happy Weekends

~17th May~
Jia Jia 's and Phebe's Birthday

Birthday Girls

~25th May~

Shopping in KK
Lai San's new haircut

Wanna cut my hair too! T___T
Need a haircut badly...

Shopping in identical blouses :P


~1st June~
(More) Shopping in KK

Lunch at Secret Recipe

Dinner at Wong Kok Char Chan Teng

Happy people pigging out :)

Hope to have more happy weekends :)

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On another note,

Going back in 3 days time!
Wheeee~
*hops around*

I'm so excited! XD

Stop & Stare

"..they're trying to come back,
all my sense push,
untie the weight bags,
I never thought I could.."

Dear lonely isle,

I guess...I'm happy.

Even though I have no fondness for this place, somehow I've managed to settle down.
And after the hectic hustle and bustle of the semester, filled with exciting races to the dateline, accompanied by nerve-wrecking, bone-breaking, back-aching, tiring tirade of reports and assignments one after another, and general all round haywired sleeping, eating and living habits, I guess I've settled down into mundane bliss.

I embraced the holidays like I would a visiting aunt with lots of presents in tow.

Naturally after all the sleepless nights one would imagine the evolution of a man into a pig, but it's natural to want some remuneration after all that slaving and toiling at the workload that's been hanging around all semester like an unwanted guest. That and because I derive some insane pleasure from burning myself out trying to enjoy everything at one go.

But after awhile, when things begin to slow down, and the hype of the overrated holidays has cooled off, you begin to feel like a car with dwindling fuel supply on a long journey, stopping frequently at petrol stations and rest spots. And at each stop you make, you suddenly realize the cool breeze in the air, and the blueness of the sky overhead, and the puffy white clouds that sail past your vision in the car.

And then you realize you've been missing out on life.

But I guess what really gives me a high is the freedom to choose. The freedom to stare down a day like an empty canvas, just awaiting the strokes of your paintbrush. To decide if you would wake at the crack of dawn, or sleep till deep past noon. To decide if washing should be done today, or a good book is a-calling. The freedom that is denied to you when you have an 8 o'clock class in the morning, and a full day of classes and labs ahead. To have your hands shackled and your actions dictated by a callous and cold schedule you have no love for.

And in the midst of daily mundane, you rediscover the joys of spending hours in front of the telly glued to Asian Food Channel, and the delight of surfing endlessly on the net and catching up on MSN.

Truly, the wonders of small pleasures, and the beauty of small treasures.
If I could have but one each day, it would be the life of the contented.

Maybe that's what holidays are for, to replenish your fuel supply for the impending race, and to remember what life really is. Life is exciting in the fast lane, with the wind in your face and the blurred sight of speed. Such is the nature of man, with an inborn love for speed and all things that whizz past, as is evident with the rising number of rollercoasters and high-speed thrills in amusement parks.

But often only when we've taken the time to stop and to slow down, we realize the reason for being alive, and the joy of living without having to hold on tightly to your hat.

So, right now, with just the sound of the swishing air from the ceiling fan to accompany the clicking of my nails on the keyboard, and a pillow to support my badly abused back, I guess life is good.

Because I'm in no hurry to be anywhere else. Because I'm in no hurry to do anything else.

Because I'm on holiday.

love, Joyce.

Dinners

Some random pictures of dinners.

At Bella Italia in Jesselton Hotel

I want pizza...again.

At Hana in City Mall

Tiing Jen's Katsu Don.

My Beef Teriyaki.
It doesn't look that good, but tastes good :)

Jia Jia's Sushi.

Lai San's Saba Shio.
(or something that sounds like that...)

Dinner was good :)
Sinful food...

Sinners:

Tiing Jen and Jia Jia

Lai San and me

Bee Bee, Yasmin and Mei Kuan's cousin :)

Fansu O-cha :P

On another note,
went shopping today!

Shopping is good :)

Wallet empty, heart happy :)

Bought a shirt and 2 blouses :)
The white ribbon comes with the shirt, a belt of sorts.

(if you think that the turquoise blouse looks like the black one,
well that's because it's the same cutting and design, just a different colour >.<
I like the cutting of the blouse THAT much :P)

My favourite *heart* :)

Sunshine On My Rainy Day

"..and all the things I deserve,
for being such a good girl, honey.."

Dear lonely isle,

Woke up in a pretty bad state yesterday.

Why, you ask?

Well, for starters, it wasn't the alarm that woke me, it was the sound of my handphone ringing. It was my coursemates who went to uni with me every morning. They were already waiting outside my house. That would mean it was already....7.30am

Class starts at 8.00am by the way.

Oh and then I realized I couldn't see. Because my eyes were so swollen they were plastered shut. And they hurt. And I think I look like I got punched in both eyes. My dark rings were that bad.

So I stumbled out of bed and went downstairs to open the gate for them. On top of everything, it was raining heavily. And who greets me? Downstairs, my housemate's coursemates (eng fac, so they're all guys) who came over the night before to get some assignment or other done. Didn't know they stayed overnight. And me in all my glory feeling my way down the stairs. In my pjs. Hair uncombed. Face unwashed. Teeth unbrushed. Braless. I must have been such a ghastly sight that they all probably wrote a mental note somewhere to make sure their future girlfriends do not have a sidejob starring in Ju-On.

Anyway, thank god the autogate was finally working. Wouldn't wanna get into all that rain first thing in the morning. It's already cold enough. Contemplated skipping class.

Scratch that. REALLY wanted to skip class. Nose had already started running. And was showing no signs of slowing down and waiting for me to catch up. That, and plus the two things under my eyebrows on either side of my nose and above my mouth, which (for lack of a better word) I'm forced to call me eyes. I'm so sleepy I'm beyond it. I'm somewhere in the recesses of ZOMBIE-hood.

But then, my lecturer for that morning's class tends to look out for me, to see if I slept that day or not, so what the hell. He can catch me snoring that day.

When I got into the car to drive, Tiing Jen asks me, "Can you see the road?"
Well yeah, my eyes were pretty badly swollen. No worries people, even though the window of my view is really small, I can still see the road, and made it to campus without any (near) accidents.

When I was in class I could hear another coursemate, Jia Jia, asking Tiing Jen, "Can she even see? Hold her! She might bang into something!"

Yeah, didn't look too fabulous that morning.

No surprises though, I fell asleep even as the presentation started (class presentation by a group of students yesterday). I even missed my lecturer announcing that our midterm was postponed for two weeks from the appointed date instead of commencing next week.

Fell asleep several more times after class, while waiting for my friends to choose an assignment topic in front of the lecturer's room. Was worried I wouldn't be able to drive back, because every time I sat down I promptly fell asleep. And well, driving kind of involve sitting down in the driver's seat. Somehow managed to drive back without drifting off. I even went to pump air into my car tyres. Which of course, my coursemates totally spoiled me by doing it for me. You get special treatment when you look like you've been through the plumbing of a house. Came back and crashed. Oh, I completed my management homework due at 2.00pm yesterday before that.

At 1.00pm, again I got woken up by the sound of my handphone ringing instead of my alarm. Time to go to class. REALLY wanted to skip class. Again. Try as I had since I woke up I couldn't make my eyes open wider than a slit. It hurt if I tried to make them open to even a third of their normal size. But the coward in me was steering the body that day. So I went to class, in case there was a pop quiz or something.

Appetite was working fine though, because I attacked my food that day. In class, my lecturer expressed he was feeling unwell, yet managed to nag for half an hour first, and reminded students who owed him money to pay up. Then he left us some work to do and said he was gonna take the day off. We could leave after we've placed our work in a box he left behind. Okay, lucky I went. Was getting better though by then. Nose wasn't sprinting anymore, and had slowed down to brisk walking. Eyes were slowly opening wider. Brain was slowly starting to comprehend things like written words and sentences.

After that, back to home to CRASH. Until 6.00pm. Had arab class that night, from 7.00pm to 10.00pm. Yeah, I know. It's a real pain. So at 5.45pm, got woken up by the sound of my phone message tone screaming in my ear. Accidentally fell asleep on it. It was from an arab class coursemate. It said.

Arab class cancelled. Tell your friends.

WHAT MAGIC WORDS. God himself must've sent them.

Read it a few more times, just in case my defunct eyes might have replaced "cancelled" with "extended" or "replacement". Felt satisfied enough. Now back to what's really important.

Sleep.

Enjoyed a good four hour nap till 8.00 pm :)

Hehe, my baby called at 6 something to wake me for class and even my housemate Bee Bee came in to wake me up. Such nice souls :) But nah, even those little disturbances didn't disturb my sleep. Did I mentioned it rained the whole day? And that everytime I crashed my blanket was all the way up to my chin? It was such a cold day.

So who knows? Sometimes if we just grit our teeth and bear it like a good girl, you do get rewarded.

One of my better days, certainly.
Even if it did start off like something from the rear end of house plumbing.

love, joyce.

It's Nice

"..hearts are worn in these dark ages,
you're not alone in this story's pages.."

Dear lonely isle,

Sometimes when the world feels so cold, it's nice to know someone still watches out for you.

It's nice to know that when you have nothing left to eat but maggi, there is still some place you can go where someone will cook specially just for you. And no, I'm not talking about ordering food at a stall. For this person, the only currency accepted is friendship.

It's also nice to know that on days you feel like nobody cares, someone still cares enough to remind you to drink water, rest more, sleep early and to eat dinner. And that if that person was told that dinner was somehow conveniently yet again 'forgotten', someone will have a lot of answering to do.

It's also nice to know that you're always welcomed some place, and you can come anytime so as long as the person who welcomes you is home.

It's a nice feeling to have, on days you feel like the stupidest person alive when someone cares enough to boost your confidence by telling you that you're already the best, so it's okay. Especially when you have a memory so short you're on the verge of having amnesia.

It's a nice feeling inside when someone remembers you're the one who sleeps at odd hours and will most definitely oversleep and skip breakfast, and so makes you a sandwich that morning to eat in class.

It's nice when someone cares enough to run from the lecture halls to pass you some Panadols when you're in another faculty because you're having a headache and need some relief. It's even nicer when that person offered to. And reminds you not to drive home alone in your state of pain and tiredness lest you drive into a tree (if you're lucky). And asks to be notified when you have reached home in one piece, whole and unspoiled.

It's nice to know someone like that.

I know, because I do.

love, joyce.

First Things First...

"..truly, words spoken,
cannot be taken back,
and for that,
I'm sorry.."

Dear lonely isle,

As predicted, here I am, apologising.

I'm sorry.

If you're wondering, yes. I do many things at the spur of the moment, only to regret them later.
And yes. I also say things at the spur of the moment, only to regret them later.

And yes. There are people whom I do not talk to because of something either one of us said at that moment.
And yes. There are some whom I still do not talk to.

I'm sorry.

I was very irritated, and blogging seemed better than screaming to the person's face.

So, here goes again.

I'm sorry.

love, joyce.

Beautiful Day

"..I don't need the sunshine to be happy,
nor do I need a reason to smile,
today's going to be beautiful.."

Dear lonely isle,

This is for all my friends.
For the people who made life beautiful.

I hope, I love, I cherish, I care,
Because I know, you'll always be there.

I hope we'll grow old together one day,
And talk about now as if it were just yesterday.

I love your smiles, god bless that sweet line,
They make everyday seem so fine.

I cherish every moment we have together,
Not just for today, but for ever and ever.

I care about you, you care about me,
Maybe for now, maybe forever, who knows?
We'll see.

But I don't think I have to wait forever to know.
Sometimes, even one day is just enough.
To know you're here.

And that right now, at this moment,
you cared.

love, joyce.