The Show

"..I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

life is a maze, love is a riddle

I don't know where to go, can't do it alone

I've tried, and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared, but I don't show it

I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down

I know, I've got to let it go.."

Dear lonely isle,

The other day I overheard something I wished I didn't.

Okay, maybe overheard was the wrong word, because it wasn't even overhearing in the very least.

So let's amend it.

The other day something was spoken in my presence which I wished wasn't.

Because if God pitied us he'd have make it possible to unhear things.

To say that I'm bothered by it would be an understatement. It's starting to worry me more and more. I try not to think about it, but its just never far from my mind.

Sometimes I wonder why I have to work. Now I wonder no more.

It's not something I can do anything about, so it seems rather silly to let it occupy my thoughts. But alas, paranoia and needless worrying is something I'm rather inclined to do.

These days I worry more about the future. I wonder if its got to do with growing up.

I've been blessed a hundred times over, growing up in the environment I did. Maybe its time to give back.

Just the other day, the most worry-free girl I know at work turned to me and said, "You know, I woke up this morning and thought about quitting at the end of the month. This job is really quite stressful."

And then I sat up a little straighter in my chair.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or if there must be something wrong with me.

It's true that there are days that going to work seemed more painful than being drawn and quartered, I don't deny.

But at the same time, I've just never considered quitting. True I do sometimes imagine what I'd do if I didn't have to work, but no I've never given the idea that I'd decide to stop much thought.

Sometimes life is just a lot easier and less complicated when there's just the work in front of you that needs to be done. But at the same time, when you find yourself the only person who feels that way, sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with the work or if there's something wrong with me. Everytime someone tells me that they're thinking of getting another job, its like a slap in the face, because I again wonder what am I doing here.

I don't think it matters much either way, because whether I stay or I don't it doesn't make me think less about what I heard that I wished so much I didn't hear, neither does it make things better if I do stay. Leaving might make things worse, but then again, nothing I do seems to matter very much in the scale of things.

I'm just one person, and I'm supposed to do what I need to do, and I should do what I'm supposed to do till I can't, and as one person doing something is better than one person not trying at all.

So I'm still sitting on the raft in the middle of the ocean, not quite sure if I should paddle with the current, against it, or if I should paddle at all. Clearly I'm not going anywhere, but I don't have anywhere to go.

I really wish I weren't so lost.

Shima, where are you? I need to talk :(

Love, Joyce.

Have You Ever Been In Love?

Have you ever been in love

you can touch the moonlight

when your heart is shooting stars

you're holding heaven in your arms

have you even been in love?

Have you ever walked on air

ever felt like you were dreaming

when you never thought it could

but it really feels that good

have you ever been in love?

The time I spent

waiting for something that was heaven sent

when you find it don't let go

I know

Have you ever said a prayer

and found that it was answered

all my hope has been restored

I ain't looking anymore

have you ever been so in love?

Some place that you ain't leaving

somewhere you're gonna stay

when you've finally found the meaning

have you ever felt this way?

The time I spent

waiting for something that was heaven sent

when you find it don't let go

I know

Cos have you ever been in love

you could touch the moonlight

you can even reach the stars

doesn't matter near or far

have you ever been in love

have you ever been in love?

So in love

Have You Ever Been in Love

Celine Dion

Heard this in the car on the way home.

Strangely, it really does feel that way, being in love.

I didn't notice it at all, but even though it's only been a while,

it already feels like we've been together for a long time.

Everything feels like it happened so long ago, so far away.

And just like how time really flies when he's around,

I swear it slows down to a crawl when he's not here.

Even though work keeps me busy, for which I am grateful,

I go about my day feeling like something is just missing.

Have you ever said a prayer, and found that it was answered?

Of all the prayers I ever made, I'm so glad this one was heard.

Just trying to keep sane in the midst of calls

and trying to solve everyone else's problems.

It makes your own so much easier to ignore.

Love, Joyce.

Of Cars and Watches

Dear lonely isle,

Haven't been posting pics for forever, but since I took them anyway, so.

Some new additions to the house~

First up, my other sayang.

I was going to say that its as cute as its owner

but you can already see that for yourself right?

Big, round eyes, general roundness...

Want To Play?

And something a little more pink, a new watch from my dad.

Haven't had a new watch in a looooooong time.

And because pink is so pretty,

I'll entertain you with one more shot of it.

Cheers~

Despite the fact that Astro has been a bitch lately

with the changes with Byond and making my life so difficult, some days aren't too bad.

After all, you leave your work in your locker when you take your bag out to go home.

Just like you leave your headset and notes and jacket and water bottle.

Worries for tomorrow morning.

:)

Love, Joyce.

Vineyard in My Backyard

Dear lonely isle,

Presently, I am a grape farmer.
It is a job that largely consists of tedious repetitions of duties and strict routines, largely along the lines of waking up at godly hours, procrastinating whenever possible and house chores, done whenever situation permits, which, fortunately does not happen often enough.

Then there is also the title of Garbage of Society to shoulder, and as titles go, with all the responsibilities to go with it. Thankfully, the title is not a cumbersome one, but the responsibilities of being society's Garbage can be daunting at times, requiring one to attempt to sleep till noon every day (weekends are a must, unfortunately) and attend to Facebook games immediately upon waking. Then there is also the matter of spending money and going out whenever possible, an article of faith to be followed to the letter.

However, as with any job, being a grape farmer can be hazardous to one's person. There is the constant ongoing danger of having to battle poor sleep and fats accumulating on one's self due to inactivity. Also, the chore of having to constantly file off the rust settling on one's limbs due to lack of use is getting to be vexing from tedious repetition. Being a grape farmer also requires one to possess a strong stomach to withstand the stench of brains slowly rotting as thought is seldom required throughout a day's work.

But it's all in a day's work for a grape farmer such as myself.

Harvest promises to be fun, I imagine.

love, Joyce.

Sinful Saturday

Dear lonely isle,

Did I mention I like Daiso?

Spoils from Daiso:

Lunchbox set!
Each item at rm5 of course ;)

So pretty, yeah?
Picked and choose to match the colours
Squatted at the lunchbox section till I couldn't get up >.>
Must pick a nice one ma...

2-tiered lunch box!
Okay, so maybe its not very big,
but then again I'm hardly a big eater.
And its rm5!
Hard to say no to >.<

Okay, so maybe rm5 is too much for a pair of chopsticks...
But at least they're pretty :)

Pack everything in..

And we're good to go :)
So chubee right?

rm5 photoframe!
For the fansu picture :)
This one is going home with me, some nice memories from Sabah.
I was too lazy to screw on the stand so it can stand upright on its own, hence the small hole.

Did I mention I like Daiso?

Cute stuff XD
Elianto eyeshadow.
I'm so in love with the containers.
Why I have 5 colours is a looooong story.

I like pink


MAJOR SPOIL of the day....
Sigh.
I'm ashamed to say this.

MNG incident reoccurred...
See here in case you didn't know what happened.

This time, Joyce stepped into Levi's.
I seriously need to stop going to One Borneo.
That place is godsend and also big-fat-wads-of-money-flying-away-from-Joyce trap.
Have to eat rice water (translation: very diluted porridge) for the next 2 months.

Ignore the pose. We all know I can't pose to save my life.
Okay.
I can't pose to save Ziggy's life either.
And that's saying something.

Focus on the pants.

So in love right now.

No worries, god is fair. Getting punished as we speak.
Suffering from sore throat.

Gonna go and sleep now,

Nitez.

Love, Joyce.

Freedom Lied

Dear lonely isle,

Freedom came for me at last, on a sad, blustery, Monday afternoon not four days ago, when the wind blew dust into my face as I departed from the examination hall with all hopes of a good result this semester crushed.

Freedom dallied for awhile, when I spent my Tuesday after getting forms approved for my internship.

And just as swiftly as freedom came, freedom left.

On. Wednesday.

When. I. Stepped. Back. Into. The. Dreaded. Laboratory.

The. One. I. Swore. I. Would. Not. Go. To. Within. A. Hundred. Feet. From. Until. Next. Week. Rolls. By.

Okay I need to stop typing like that.

Sigh. The dreaded long days in the lab are back, like the sour turn of the after-holidays when you realize that work starts on Monday, and that Monday is less than 2 hours away. Only that, in my case, there was no holiday for there to be an after-holiday.

I return home each day thinking that I should really not stick Salonpas on myself as 10 pieces is clearly not enough. As a matter of fact, I ache in so many places its hard to find a place that does not ache. And you would think...what exactly DOES she do in the lab? Core workouts?

No...like the weary student that spends too much time on her bum studying only to find out that the person up there doesn't like her that much and so on thus henceforth killed her dreams in paper #4, she finds herself unable to adjust to the mere standing of the whole day.

I don't know how you can get headaches from standing the whole day, but somehow it happens to me >.>

And to think all I could think of when I toiled during late nights and early mornings were..

GODDAMIT WHEN THIS IS OVER I WILL GO SHOPPING, I WILL EAT FRIES, I WILL EAT FRIED DUMPLINGS, I WILL HAVE DOUGHNUTS, I WILL GO TO HANA AND HAVE JAPANESE FOOD, I WILL LEARN TO PUT ON MAKEUP, I WILL HAVE PIZZA, I WILL GO SWIMMING EVERYDAY, I WILL GO OUT AND PAMPER MYSELF, I WILL SLEEP TILL I CAN'T SLEEP ANYMORE, I WILL HAVE 8 HOURS REST, I WILL DO NOTHING ALL DAY BUT LIE IN BED AND ONLY GET UP FOR MEALS, I WILL WATCH A MOVIE IN THE CINEMA (AND NOT CURI-CURI WATCH WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING), I WILL CHAT WITH EVERYONE ONLINE ON MY MSN LIST AT NIGHT, I WILL READ THOSE BOOKS I'VE BEEN WANTING TO, I WILL PLAY WITH MY COLOUR PENS AND CREATE FANTASTIC WORKS OF ART, I WILL GET DOWN TO MAKING A BOTTLE OF STARS, I WILL GO AND TRY NEW YORK NEW YORK, I WILL!

And what happened was this.
The disappointment felt is just beyond my range of emotions to feel.

Somehow the harsh realities of life are just what they are-harsh.

Proposal presentation on the 24th...Will die soon.

Love, Joyce.

JOCELYN TOH LIAN YIN,
IMPENDING DEATH IS A-COMING
AND YOU'RE STILL HERE

SITTING. IN. FRONT. OF. THE. LAPTOP.
BLOGGING.

GET OFF ALREADY.

~Time to decide if I want a dignified death or be something unpleasant left on the carpet~

Choose, girl. Choose.

Change of Heart

"..who knows what miracles
you can achieve when you believe.."

Dear lonely isle,

Sometimes life throws you curve balls.
So you learn to dodge them.

Sometimes, life is generous and throws you sweets.
So pucker up and suckle the honey.

Sometimes, life feels magnanimous, and offers you choices.
So you follow your instincts and pick the wrong one.

Sometimes, no matter what life does to you, life can never go wrong,
so as long as you always think right.

I've never felt that I made a wrong decision. Ever. Because I always believe the decisions I make are right.

Someone once told me that. I'm still pondering if its true. But I'm starting to believe it is.
The only time you've ever made a mistake, was when you started to doubt yourself.

If you think you can, you usually and almost definitely can.

I've heard that one more times than I can remember. And it really is true.
If you believe you can move worlds and make a difference, you usually can.

Behold the power of the mind. What is life but mind over matter?
What is living but a series of cumulative experiences to fuel the soul?

Maybe that's why winners will always be winners. Because they've never felt like they lost.

Everywhere we turn, positivity and self-help books are multiplying like a bad case of bacteria in the gut. Somehow, changing the way you think, changes everything.

Its the way you perceive, that makes all the difference.

Or does it?

What if life always deals you bad cards, like a rigged poker game NOT in your favour?

When you've always been looking down, it's quite hard to look up, because your neck's gone stiff.
And besides, take your eyes off of your feet for just one moment and you get your steps tangled up.
And then suddenly the ground comes up to meet you.

It's quite hard to see anything else when you're lying face down in mud.

Sometimes, when you've tripped over your left foot one too many times, you'd want to stay down.
And just be left alone.

But what is life if we don't fall down? The wise Alfred once said, why do we fall down, Master Bruce?

So that we learn to pick ourselves up again. And again. And again.
And somehow in the midst of the repetitiveness we learn that we will always keep falling down.
And that we will always be able to get back up. Because once you get over the scrapped knees and bruises, its not so hard after all.

It's unbreakable, the human spirit. The wanting to reach out, break free, touch the heavens, steal fire-it's human nature.

Just like curiosity is man's curse, trying is man's blessing.

I'm so glad I kept trying.
Giving up is not something I've had the courage to do.

Today is a good day.
Maybe there are still rewards for the faithful in this world.

love, Joyce.

Love Story

We were both young when I first saw you
I closed my eyes and the flashback starts
I'm standing there
on a balcony in summer air

see the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
and say hello
little did I know

that you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"
and I was crying on the staircase
begging you, please don't go

and I said

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
it's a love story
baby, just say yes.

So, I sneak out to the garden to see you
we keep quiet cause we're dead if they knew
so close your eyes
escape this town for a little while

cause you were Romeo, I was the scarlet letter
and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"
but you were everything to me
I was begging you, please don't go

and I said

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
it's a love story
baby, just say yes,

Romeo, save me
they're trying to tell me how to feel
this love is difficult, but it's real
don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
it's a love story
baby, just say yes.

I got tired of waiting
wondering if you were ever coming around
my faith in you is fading
when I met you on the outskirts of town

and I said

Romeo, save me
I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you, but you never come
is this in my head
I don't know what to think.
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

and said

Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad
go pick out a white dress
it's a love story
baby, just say yes.

'Cause we were both young when I first saw you..

Love Story
Taylor Swift

I just love happy endings :)
Songs with happy endings make me happy.

It's 5.30am and I'm a bit nuts right now.
I'm going to watch the sunrise :)
(Not voluntarily of course...)
And I'll probably miss it, because I keep staring at the computer.

Midnight Thoughts

Dear lonely isle,

I want to wake up to sunrises, and fall asleep watching sunsets.
I want to wake up with him by my side, and fall asleep holding his hand.
I want to wake up to the smell of fresh coffee and fall asleep after a full dinner.
I want to wake up feeling like I rested, and fall asleep after a fulfilling day.
I want to wake up with a mind like bright sunlight, and fall asleep thinking of the stars.
I want to wake up with a sole purpose for the day, and fall asleep knowing it is done.
I want to wake up with a smile, and fall asleep seeing his.

I want to go home.

But some wishes are too far away, and will remain desires.
For now.

But some hopes are too far off, and will remain dreams.
Nothing more.

But all are longings deep within the heart, a hunger that cannot be satiated.
A wish that cannot be granted.
A hope that cannot come true.


But you can't always have what you want.


As I miss sunrises and sunsets in my days, I wonder what is the purpose of a window;
I hardly look outside anymore.

The days come and go like shadows, creeping in dark corners like things that shy from the sun, unnoticed. Time feels insubstantial, save for the rhythm of heartbeat, a reminder of the sands that pass from present into past. Still, everything remains motionless, like the gray portraits of ancestors, choke-filled with dust and stitched with cobwebs. Still, the pile of labour to be toiled refuses to lessen, yet the marching of the days cease to stop.

I think, I'm pretty sick of my life.
Right now.

But enough's enough, ain't it?
It's time to stop whining.


The work isn't going to get itself done and hand itself in.


Just wish my leg could detach and kick my ass.

Love, Joyce.

Light Troubles

Dear lonely isle,

Damn I so got to get one of this.
You plug it into your computer.
Press the button in the center, wala~ and then he said 'Let there be light'.

Looks so cute right? I thought it was a mouse at first.

With the light switched on. But you can hardly see it right?
Hold on, let me get the lights.

Hehe, kinda okay right? :P

Very useful especially for people like me that wake up in the middle of the night to do work. Ever since roomie's table lamp broke down we've been searching for a replacement. You see, we've become pretty dependent on the damn thing. Now, its absence aggravates both of us.

When I stay up to do my work, I need the lights. Roomie who sleeps early has trouble sleeping with the light on. When I finally get into bed, roomie who wakes up at the crack of dawn (sometimes before) switches on the light to do work, which wakes me up >.>

So, while we're still looking for another, I guess the borrowed lamp from Bee Bee will have to do :(

We still haven't found a new one yet, because anything with warranty is too expensive, while anything cheap enough doesn't come with warranty. Which is not a good idea, because roomie's old table lamp which did not come with warranty, died in a month and a half.

I hope Bee Bee doesn't want her lamp back anytime soon >.>

Love, Joyce.

Moving Muscles

Dear lonely isle,

Today, everyone should go out and buy 4D.
Because Joyce did physical exercise.

Went swimming with my housemates today; Bee Bee, Mei Kuan, and Chia Wern.
For those of you who know about Bee Bee and Mei Kuan, I have great news for you, Chia Wern, my new room mate, is even smaller than them >.<"
Size-wise. Body frame-wise.
Which makes round round Joyce look like something akin to the great, deep sea-faring mammals in the ocean next to them.
People with great legs. Why do I keep attracting them?

Anyway, we went to the public pool at the Likas Sports Complex. Sorry guys, no pictures. Didn't really want to risk bringing my camera and having it stolen or what-not.

*Must check out the place first ma...My first time there, know?*

The pool was a standard Olympic size pool with of course, the standard freaking cold water that accompanies all indoor or covered pools.

Sad to say, all my effort building up stamina sometime last year when I used to swim every morning with Ziggy baby went *poof* with tiny clouds of smoke.

This is why not doing anything even vaguely strenuous for long periods of time is bad for you, because it makes you extremely wimpy and soft and useless.
Yes, because Joyce went kempis halfway along the length of the pool >.<" And not to mention broke the record for what could be possibly the slowest time taken to swim the length of an Olympic sized pool.

Partly due to the fact that I cannot remember or even recall the last time I did anything even vaguely strenuous.

Haha whatever. I can gloat because my poor room mate cannot swim at all :P
But then again, what I can do isn't exactly something to be proud of anyway...I just float a long faster than she does. When she learns how to float lah.

Oh I went round looking for a new swimsuit that day, because my current old one is pretty tight for me. Actually, 'pretty tight' is probably an understatement >.<"

If you've been swimsuit shopping lately (as I have), and buy your swimsuits from brands like Speedo, Ogival and whatnot, you find that they measure the swimsuit size according to your bust size, or more accurately the circumference of your chest.

Cheap string bikinis do not count because they are all labeled 'free size' and have what passes for possibly a handkerchief for dolls to cover your 'vitals' because there cannot be any other use for pieces of cloth so small. Yes I gave them a try, and no, tried as I could, I could not stretch them wide enough to feel PG-13 rated, much less secure.
And no of course I didn't buy them.
I do not stoop to obscenity.

Anyway, back to buying swimsuits.
If my bra size and measurements are anything to go by, it's that my chest circumference should be 34-35 inches. So I thought my old swimsuit was probably 30 or 32 inches in size which accounts for the tightness. But after checking the worn out label on the suit my eyes widened in amazement, shock and possibly horror (okay, maybe not horror, but kind of like how somethings are weird but yet fascinating at the same time?) that the actual size was 28 inches.
That's like 6 inches in difference.
Imagine how my breasts feel.
Okay, don't imagine. I was just kidding.

No wonder I look literally like an airport runway wearing the suit. The poor dears were squashed so tight they became flat. (Yes, fats are quite soft and can flatten if you squash them)

So yes, I think I have justified getting a new swimsuit. Problem is, Sabah for some reason DOES NOT and is possibly INCAPABLE of selling even marginally or reasonably nice looking swimsuits.
They're either horrendously small or horrendously ugly. (Some were horrendously weird. Anyway, the point is that swimsuits here are quite horrendous. But I'm sure you know now.)

And I have some Family Day thingy for my course coming up next week, and we're going to an island to play. And I have to wear my very tight swimsuit and look boobless *sobs* T_______T

On hindsight, I now know what muscles are involved in swimming the breast stroke because I can feel every single one I used today, probably more than is possibly necessary or required.
Oh, no worries, it's not THAT bad, I can still lift my arms straight and reach for the skies.
One at a time though, and very slowly.

Yes, I already know how unfit I am. I'm suffering for it, remember?

But I had a good time :)
Teaching roomie how to swim, kempis-ing at the side of the pool feeling great because I moved muscles and put (possibly) some fat to work to earn their keep for the extended stay and usage of space in my body.

And the best part of it all, having a good, hot dinner after all the relatively hard work done :)
(Relative because while it is not hard work at all for everyone else, but for my standard of nil exercise, I gotta say I made myself happy and a little bit proud today ;) *tries to pat self on back but failed because arms refuse to cooperate after being tortured, and thus resorts to mentally patting self on back*)

It's been a good day. Of sorts.
Now if only my muscles can feel as good as I do and stop complaining.

love, Joyce.

Paper Chains

Dear lonely isle,

Forgive me for my long absence! I was planning to blog a few times in the past few days, but what happened was I got swamped.

Yes. Swamped.

Much as I'd like to say that a swamp fell on top of me, I'm forced by reason of belief, principle, moral and conscience to tell the truth.

What really happened was one night, as I prepared for bed (the usual bathroom rituals of teeth brushing, flossing, face washing, bag packing, etc.) my assignments and reports suddenly grew arms and legs and started crawling all over me, yanking at my hair and screaming into my ear, all demanding to be completed and handed in. The textbooks for my major subjects, upon hearing the commotion and emboldened by the sudden fierce and violent revolt of due literature got up and started demanding their fair share of my time too, biting and scratching my legs and arms.

The result? I now spend many hours (chained) at my desk at night, slaving away at the mercy of datelines and threats of bad grades and dropping PNGK.

But even as I try to reduce the angry workpile that sits on my desk, I get stared down by new reports and assignments marching in every week. It is as I fear, going to be a long, hard and brutal enslavery. They allow me little sleep at night and generously dictate long hours of work when I'm home. With mid terms within sight, the textbooks faction have begun to throw their weight around, trying to shove their importance into the faces of the more numerous reports and assignments faction. Unable to agree on the allocation of time for their respective parts, haggling down to the last minute and second of my time dedicated to studying/completing/writing/revising their contents, they decided instead to agree on putting in even more hours for me so as to give equal share of time to the textbook faction while not neglecting the hours demanded by the reports/assignments/presentations faction.

Life is not looking too good for me.

At this very moment, I'm on one of my allowed short periods of rest, and so decided to explain my continued absence. Which is likely to continue with no end as yet in sight.

This is a plea of a girl waiting for the words "Graduation" (as one might look at the word "salvation") unknowingly that what lies ahead puts fear into even the most staunch and hardcore of procrastinators and parasites.

Working life.

Sometimes I think life is one long cruel enslavement to commit yourself to things you hate to do but are yet forced to do for reasons like wealth and luxury. After which you gain the former you still cannot enjoy the latter due to the restraints imposed upon you by your enslavement to the former and to your fear of losing it.

*From a distance* "Oi! Time's up!" *Whip cracking*

Okay, you heard that textbook. Back to work.

One day at a time.

love, joyce.

Post Chinese New Year Blues

Dear lonely isle,

It's only been three days since I've been back from celebrating chinese new year and already I'm shuffling my feet everyday like a reluctant school kid.

First up, I can barely stay awake in the mornings anymore. I suspect this has got something to do with my lack of sleep. I'm trying not be dependent on naps anymore, resulting in this unable to keep my eyes open in class, probably because while I don't nap, I also don't sleep any earlier either.

Take today, I didn't even realised I fell asleep in class today until I woke up from my wonderful wonderful dream. And then, I realised that I cannot keep my eyes open for more than 5 seconds before it automatically shuts itself again. My lecturer today was talking about machinery that we can use to analyse macromolecules. While she was rattling on away about centrifuges, x-ray diffraction patterns and what not, I dreamt (yeah, fell alseep already) that we were walking around the labs because she wanted to show us all those stuff. And that she was wearing her gym clothes. Exercising and stretching while she explained. Only that she wasn't her anymore, she became a lot fatter. I think by now the average person would've figured out that something was definitely wrong here, but my problem is that I never get to find out I was dreaming till I wake up.

I think the only way to describe me on morning classes is "zombie-like". Heck, I'm even starting to feel like a zombie. Now if I were to watch resident evil or some other no brainer zombie show I guess I can reach out and tell the television set, "I feel you, brothers." No wonder they shuffle around like that, they can barely stay awake! Poor things. I really do feel you. (which reminds me of Sweeney Todd, and the young sailor Anthony, in a fit of pure obsession he sings to the girl locked up in the room, "I can feel you, Joanna. I will steal you, Joanna." Steal? God the guy is creepy. I'd run away from someone who wanted to steal me. I am my own person. I refuse to be stolen like some baggage or grocery item, like some thing.)

So yes, determined not to be dependent on naps, even when I can barely stay awake, and it rains continuously for the whole day (making the weather oh-so-don't-wake-me-up-today-it's-too-good-in-bed cool), I shall attempt to blog.

love, joyce.

The Preparation Begins.

(Mine and Bee Bee's pails lining up the hallway.
No prizes for guessing which are mine.)

Student In Dire Need of Water

Dear lonely isle,

Did you hear the news?

NO WATER FOR 36 HOURS. WHOLE OF KK EXPERIENCING WATER CUT.

OMG.

Everyone in the house has been going through a clothes washing spree, and water boiling spree. Tonight will probably mark the bathing spree, as well as water collecting spree.
Think I better start my toilet-going spree as well.

To think that the afternoons now are so hot, I sincerely believe that you can slowly boil a glass of water by just leaving it out in the sun.
Yeah, sure it's windy, just like how the desert is windy.
It's so hot, any sun rays on your skin hurts.
Forget a glass of water, I believe you can actually cook a person by forcing him or her to stand beyond the safety net of any shade. Possibly burnt to a crisp. Yummy.

And hot afternoons require baths.
But baths require water.
Which there will be none, in the next two days.

What is a girl to do?
Yes, I know that what we collected the water for. But I don't think two pails of water is enough for me to bathe for 2 days. (Not counting my flossing, face-washing, hand-washing, etc. etc.)
Which reminds me, I should wash my hair tonight.

(Because washing hair takes up twice the amount of water you need to shower. Yes, it really does. I have longer hair than you do. I use more water, more shampoo, more conditioner, more time and more effort overall. Yes, I should really consider cutting it. No, I'm not going to cut it. Yet.)

On another note, I HATE MY TIMETABLE.
Oh yes, don't we all hate our timetable?
I can already foresee a future with no spare time, no free time and possibly no sleeping time.
And come mid terms, GONG HEI FATT CHOY :)
It's a full blown circus, trying to juggle lectures, labs, reports (I've got 4 a week by the way. Yes, god bless me.), assignments, studying and still find time to sleep on top of everything.

Speaking of sleep, the heat is making me really drowsy...

If you'll excuse me, the bed awaits.

love, joyce.

The (Very Long) Journey

"..I'll be there,
some day.."

Dear lonely isle,

We all start somewhere at the beginning. Doesn't matter what kind of beginning, but the important thing is to start somewhere. Doesn't matter if we're late, so as long as we start somewhere. And starting is always better than not starting at all.
But after you start, when does it end?
Where does it end?
How does it end?
Actually for me, I'm more interested in, how long more do I have to go?
How much further is there?
Yes, even as I start this semester I'm already wishing it will end. Soon. Tomorrow. Preferably right now.
Even as my plane touches down in Sabah, I am already raring to go back.
Somewhere at the back of my mind I am vaguely aware that I have been telling people who spend all their time studying to relax a little and enjoy their days of university life, but yet i neglect to do the same.

It's hard to enjoy anything when all your longing is directed some place else.

Or for that matter, to be more precise, at someone who is some place else.

Everyone keeps saying that you will appreciate your study days when you start the phenomena known and feared by some part of the population of the adults, loved and worshipped by other parts, and maybe loathed even more by some. Maybe it all depends on what line of work you do, how much you like it to begin with, and what are your salary prospects. Maybe even the environment of your workplace plays some role in how strongly you feel towards dragging yourself out of bed at an ungodly hour to do an honest day's work.

For me, who knows, dreary as my future work promises to be, tearfully boring as I predict it to be, painfully aware of how bright (or in my case, how awfully dim) my career prospects are, maybe what I look forward to in the future, is to going home.

Maybe home is not what I envision it to be in future, maybe home will be a flimsy illusion of what I imagine now. After all, when you spend so much time away, who's to say you'll get along living in such close proximity everyday. Who's to know how tight spaces will drive you further away, rather than encourage you to be closer. Maybe there won't even be this future I speak of to begin with. Maybe we never got that far.

But what are humans without faith? As what are humans without folly?

Yes, to have faith, you must also have folly. Otherwise we cannot believe. Trust is something you do not do, if you are wholly rational, or thinking. It is when we suspend logical analysis that we put faith into our hearts and allow ourselves to step blindly off into no man's land.
Well, being human as I am, I am not without faith (as I am also not without folly).
And somehow, here we are, right at the beginning.

It looks to be a very long journey.

And even as I take the first step, I find myself asking,

Are we there yet?

love, joyce.

Upside Down Girl

"...upside down, bouncing off the ceiling,
inside out, stranger to this feeling,
got no clue what I should do..."

Dear lonely isle,

My time is all topsy turvy these past two weeks.

I sleep at 6-8am in the morning, and wake up at 2-3pm in the afternoon. And practically don't sleep at night.

Result? Panda metamorphosis picking up where it left off.

Still on the journey to eventually become a very cute, cuddly and endangered mammal on the verge of extinction because it was too picky.

Can just imagine mothers telling their children somewhere in the not too off future, "Don't be picky on food, remember the panda? You don't see anymore right? Picky some more la.."

Seems like a very grim and bleak future awaiting me. >.<" Been trying to avoid this unseemly fate by taking a late nap then sleeping through till the next day. Plan failed. the next day, even after waking in the morning, I somehow still end up sleeping at 6.30am.

Everyone keeps asking me to be abit more normal. Believe you, me. I'm really trying.

And it's rather horrifying in a way because it seems to me that I cannot turn my time back to what the general population considers to be normal. Yes, I am turning into a minority. I am becoming one of the abnormal. >.<"

Since I live outside the boundaries of normality at the moment, I guess I have to make the most of it.

Maybe abnormal human-turned-pandas don't go extinct...

I hope.

Love, joyce.

The Dawn Of a New Semester

Dear lonely isle,

Okay, so the problem with my minor was fixed by changing minors. Pretty unimpressive, eh?
>.<

So, what's new in Sabah?

Hmm, moved into a new place, no longer staying in the hostel, which can only mean 2 things:
1. No more hills.
2. No more sucky hostel food :D

Next up, new room mate. Chinese girl, 3rd year senior. We call her Kim.
Will upload pictures in the next post =)
First I gotta take the pictures.

Got myself a landlady, 3 housemates and 5 cats.
I've only seen 2 of them so far. And already I can't stand em.
They wouldn't let me eat in peace, what with jumping on the table and onto my lap when I'm in the chair.
And I was talking about the cats.

Sitting toilet in the bathroom :D

There's internet :D
Which is available either 4 houses away through the JAKMAS (stands for something, I don't know what) wireless, or broadband 2 rows away courtesy of my good friend Tiing Jen. The girl is a blessing.

What else?

Can't think of anything at the moment.

love, joyce.

MAGRA

Dear lonely isle,

Went for an event sometime 2...no 3 weeks back >.<
Yeah, internet is hard to come by these days >.< and still in the middle of my sucky finals T_T
Anyway, MAGRA - Malam Anugerah SST. Faculty award giving night.
Which they forced award receivers to go, including yours truly (T_T) by threatening not to give us what we had worked for.
Yup, i paid rm40 to collect my cert and plaque.
Yes, I know, feels like i bought the damn things back.

The best part was, didn't even get to go onstage to receive the prize >.<
Oh why? I went to toilet..
Never went for an even that sped so fast I didn't have time to even go toilet, the dishes were coming out so fast, seems like the waiter is throwing them at us. (it was held at Karambunai Nexus Resort, beautiful place)
So when I finally had a break between the last dish and dessert, what else? Run for the toilet.
But then, as I was leaving, found out a little girl locked herself in a stall and couldn't unlock it >.<
And she spoke Czech. Yeah. Try talking to someone who speaks Czech, is about 4 years old, and about to burst into tears >.<
she had this hot dad who couldn't wait outside anymore and decided to come rescue her =P yup he was hot.
So after everything, naturally when I got back, my turn was already over T_T my name was one of the first few to be called T_T

love, joyce.

PS: FINALS SUCK T_T