El Maximus Disgustus

"..deliver us,
from ewill..

Dear lonely isle,

Sometimes I think someone up there doesn't like me.
And I'm not talking about anything who lives in the attic. With the water tank.

• Cockroaches are not my thing.
• I don't know if they're anybody's thing, but they're certainly NOT mine.
• Hell, I'm freaked by the beastly things. (And anything with more than 4 legs, actually)
  
• And I have to produce some for tomorrow's peka. At least three.
• Me. Catch roaches.
  
• Some words don't go together.
• Why do they exist? (If they didn't, I wouldn't have to catch them.)
• And then, if they do exist, why are they extinct now? (When I need them!)
• Why oh why is there a Murphy's Law??
• When you don't need them, they're everywhere.
• When you do, you can't even find a leg.
• Damn the little suckers.
• Linguistic geniuses. (Even if you speak in Hokkien they know you're after them.)
• Hell, they're not even fooled by reverse psychology! (Believe you me, I know, I've tried.)
• So guess I'll be staying up tonight. In the kitchen. With a net.
• Yeah right. If you'll believe that. (Mind you, some people will believe anything.)
• Anyways, I'd like to send a message of thanks to Chee Wei & Cheng Choo.
• Without them, I'd be in the fields, or in some drain, catching insects.
• Thank god for cheerleaders! (Who despite cheer practice (what, 24/7?) still have time to hunt for insects. Kudos for the brave people =))
• They should be commended for their bravery in extreme peril (Them roaches/grasshoppers are dirty insects k? Probably coated with tons of germs) and given medals of honour (For their service to the community).
• And thanks again, for the fact that I'm don't have to and won't have to crawl around in the fields, or in some drain, catching insects.

Amen.

love, joyce.

Lament Of Loss

"..we never appreciate what we have,
till it slips from our grasp.."

Dear lonely isle,

This is a lament, for a week's loss. A loss greater than I thought.

Our meeting, as chance hath seemeth fit to arrange, was beauty beyond splendour. Memories of thee that day still haunt my waking hours, filling mine heart with loss beyond comprehension. Pain is all that fills me.
I walk the lonely halls, now empty without thy touch. Thy absence doth rend me apart, for I doth long to see thee and be with thee as I had. Thou art a painting, of which hath been taken from me. No longer do thy beauty grace mine abode, alas, the days are as bare as empty canvas.
Oft times, I cursed the day thou cameth into mine life, for had I never felt thy presence, I would never mourn thy absence.
But to be granted an audience with thee, though short it may seem, hath fill me with knowledge I cannot even fathom. Thy wisdom, truly, surpasses the known world.
But what is time to a steadfast heart? For be I broken or be I whole, I shall await thee. In silence, darkness, come hail or sleet, my lifeless body shall still await, for even in death I will not fail thee.
Perhaps, maybe just, I leave a faint glimmer, a tiny ray of hope, that thou shalt one day return to me. Return to me as thy had, and we shall be as one once more.
Alas, hope is but a dying wish unfulfilled, as I face each day without thee. Thy shadows lurk beyond mine reach, forever mocking me with thy playful banter.
O return to me, I beseech thee!

Lord, thank you for enabling my Streamyx.

love, joyce.

Someday, My Sleep Will Come...

"..I wish, o I wish,
to sleep.."

Dear lonely isle,

• I'm afraid I'm getting weird (What do you mean I am weird??).
• Despite popular belief, I am not weird.
• I'm becoming weird.
• But that's beside the point.
• The point is, this sleeping queen is not getting her daily fix.
• And not taking her medication at the proper time.
• I just don't get it.
• I can't sleep at night.
• And I end up sleeping when I'm NOT supposed to.
• Like in school.
• Like in the afternoon.
• It's a chain reaction.
• Initiation step: Ternapped last last night ---> creating free radicals of sleepy molecules (that cause me to feel sleepy at the wrong time)
  
• Propagation step: End up napping in school and in the afternoon ---> cause of not able to sleep again at night ---> creating even more free radicals of sleepy molecules
• And so on and so forth it goes...until one free radical meets and collides with another.
• But before that, one existing free sleepy molecule radical is able to continue disrupting normal sleeping times, causing inability to study, pay attention in class and etc. etc.
• The problems caused are unspeakably horrifying (woe is me).
• We have got to do something about this.
• Consider it being civic minded, or as your public duty (when have you last conributed to society?).
• "YOU ARE MY FRIEND TOO"
  
• If in any way, you have discovered a way to stop this pollution of lethargicness and save me,
• Contact me at : 0122472761
• If I am not replying you, I'm probably asleep (for best results, please message at night).
• Help me help me.
• Before I turn into a nocturnal being.
  
• It's not too late.
  

Thank you for your cooperation.

love, joyce.

*this is a joyce service reminder from joyce.*

I Stand Alone

"..I share my world with no one else,
all by myself,
I stand alone.."

Dear joyce,

I am alone.
Unlike your world of friends and laughter, I am alone.

I live in eternal darkness, ever waiting for the sun to shine.
But it does not.
The sun does not rise on my everlasting night.

I wait in darkness, ever watching for the stars.
But they do not appear.
Stars do not cover my night sky.

I sit in despair, ever hoping for a reason to smile.
But I don't.
I don't know how.

I long for the warmth of love, reaching out for human faith.
But it is desolate.
Barren wasteland, as far as my eyes can see.

I seek in darkness, the way home.
But there is none.
I am home.

I search for laughter, ever hoping to hear it.
But only echoes sound.
And the mocking voice in my head.

I wish in darkness, for dreams to come true.
But visions they remain.
And broken they lie.

I stay in darkness,
now, always, forever.
I am alone.

always, lonely isle.

Insomnia-Free Life: Sleeping Anywhere, Anytime.. For Lessons, Contact Me

"..I wanna be under the comforter,
safe, snug, warm, and blissfully asleep.."

Dear lonely isle,

Lord, I'm tired.

• Fell asleep last night doing biology notes (note: do not listen to Sarah McLachlan, Jewel and Josh Groban when studying.).
• Ended up napping at 10 pm.
• Woke up at 10.45 pm. (absolutely ruined my night. Note: when falling asleep at night, do not wake up till next morning.).
• Went downstairs for supper. Milo finished, so opened a new tin.
• Big, heavy, full Milo tin slipped off my fingers as I was replacing it on the shelf.
  
• Bloody tin banged my shoulder on the way down.
  
• Thank god the tiles didn't crack, but tin was dented (take that! You stoopid tin!)
• Continued notes until 2.00 am.
• Couldn't sleep, so messaged Yu Kit. Fell asleep at 3.45 am (Note: no naps before sleeping.).
• Today almost died in class.
• Tried pinching myself to stay awake, but fell asleep still pinching myself (do not underestimate the power of the human will to sleep).
• Got up for tuition at 4.40 pm. Ann Gee came at 4.45 pm. (talk about timing.)
• Wanted to pig out on Christine's jam, but couldn't (fuck fuck fuck).
• Consequences : Super lethargic during tuition, brain working on minimal capacity, could only register words (I was having math tuition) and people who spoke loudly (Ben).
• Note: make sure jam is always in possesion for emergencies (like school).

You know what? It's time for bed...
Oh fuck....

Maths homework.

love, joyce.

Ps: HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIP VOON!!!!!

Growing Moss

"..a drop falls,
and twin channels run south,
but still the sky is blue,
as rain falls from her eyes.."

Dear lonely isle,

Why do we cry?
What makes the tears fall? Is it that which make us human? Is it because we feel?
Then I do not wish to feel.
To feel hollow, empty, and void. To feel a stabbing pain that echoes in my heart, to feel it yet over and over again.
I do not wish to feel.
What is it when you cry every night? When your sleep is lulled by silent sobs, and the world slumbers on?
What is it when you cry alone, when nobody sees, when nobody hears? Why do you cry in silence? Why do you cry hidden from the world?
Why do you cry yourself to sleep?
Why do we cry?
Why do we feel this way? Pain. Pain. More pain. And so on, it goes, and endless cycle. Screaming out to be heard, to be saved, but all is silent, save for sobs buried in the pillow.
I do not wish to feel.
I do not wish to water my damp pillow, or to cultivate moss.
I do not want to cry. Anymore.
I hope to run out of tears, but every night proves me wrong.
I should be happy, indeed I am laughing. But away from the world, I tend to my garden.
I am not unhappy, yet every night I cry tears of sorrow.
I am not wanting, yet every night speaks of lost dreams and desires.
I am not alone, I know of this, yet every night I feel loneliness like a sharp knife. I cry myself to sleep.
But why?

Indeed, I do not wish to feel.

love, joyce.

Broken Dreams

"..I spread my dreams beneath your feet,
tread softly,
for you tread on my dreams.."

Dear lonely isle,

I told you not to step so hard.
But maybe some things were meant to be broken. Perhaps dreams were just not meant to be.
Perhaps.
But have you ever woken up wishing that you were still dreaming, because that would mean that the dream was reality and that reality is now the dream, a bad dream that you would wake from and everything would be okay again?
But somehow, it just doesn't seem to happen.
Many things just don't seem to happen. So we learn to live with reality.
Always, when I happen to ask myself, "Am I dreaming?",
Usually I am. Because I wake up, into stark, cold, and harsh reality. Where I happen to live.
I seek salvation in dreams, delving into the comfort of the mind to conjure up what I lack in life. Maybe that's why I have such pleasant dreams. But then, someone steps too hard.
Some things were probably made to be in pieces. Too bad they happen to be my dreams. The destruction of your sanctuary is a blow to the heart, of immense pain you can't describe.
But you feel it. And you expect to see the hilt of the sword sticking out, the thrust straight and true. And feel the blood forming a puddle around your feet. So you look down.
But there's nothing there.
Like your dreams, once again, you've been fooled. Believing in a false reality, in false security. Believing the lies your mind creates around you.
But what is man without salvation from his fears? Where do you go when last hope fails? What do you do when your journey reaches a dead end?
Do we turn back? Or jump from the cliff? Or wait for the search party to find you, and lead you back to the roads you know? But what if they never come? What if you call out to saved, and no one answers?
Or do we walk ahead, sure and certain that a bridge lies hidden? But then we would fall. Because there is none, save the voice in your head, and the images in your mind.

But that's where I live.

love, joyce.

yummy

I Told You So..

"..though I've tried,
I've fallen,
I've sunk so low,
I've messed up.."

Dear lonely isle,

Told ya. I did. I really did, but no, you wouldn't listen.
Why is it that things seldom go out the way we want them to? Why is it that we tend to feel little pangs of regret in the decisions we make? Will I ever be able to say that I've never regretted anything I've ever done?
What is it when we are haunted by past visions? Why must we be tormented? Why can't I make up my mind?
And why, why, are things past, remain past? Why is it that we only get to choose once in life? What happened to second chances?
Why am I ALWAYS tormented with 'What if ?' ?
You know what? Enough with the whining.

Fuck, I'm tired.

love, joyce.

I'll fly to the moon and back, if you'll be my baby..

HOT...

Burn Baby, Burn..

"..like the deepest pits of hell,
he scorches with a touch,
and torches with a stare,
with flames of the nether around his shoulders,
he strides through ashes falling from the sky.."

Dear lonely isle,

Today I went to watch Batman Begins. *yay* =P
And I realise...

• It's the best Batman movie yet.
• Christian Bale is HOT.
• Everything about him is HOT.
• He is gorgeous (especially half naked. top half naked btw)
• He makes running around dressed up as a bat COOL (I wanna be Batman too....).
• Flying around on bat-like wings is COOL (Upon my oath I am not a lying person, this is true...).
• My new dream is to marry Bruce Wayne.
• I wanna buy hotels, and swim in the fountains...(with Bruce, duh)
  
• Dear Tobey, consider yourself dethroned for the moment...(I know, I'm ashamed of myself...I will reinstate you soon, and the both of you will be on par, but for now...Batman is HOT)
• (Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah...) Christian Bale is HOT.
• Forgive me, Johnny, Orlando, Keanu, Daniel, Brad, (erm, am I forgetting anyone?) and all the other Royal Handsomenesses, consider yourself, er, temporarily displaced....I'm renovating the altar....you guys will be reinstated er, later.
  
• I now convert to the solo worship of Christian Bale (hottest guy ever).
• Batman Begins is the best batman movie yet.
• Go watch it.
• Please take me with you.
• I promise I won't go into seizures....again (I swear, Haz).
• Batman rocks! (yea Ann Gee? =P this is why I've been watching ALL these years...if only all the previous ones had been HIM too...)
• Christian Bale IS HOT.
• Take my word for it. Watch the show.
  
• And take me with you.

Please? I'll be good.
I promise.

love, joyce.

Of Orchids, Batman and Ironicness

"..we live,
and we learn.."

Dear lonely isle,

'Where there's a will there's a way'. Or so they say. It's about luck really, and generosity. So whenever something happens, rest assured it's lady luck smiling on you and some generous soul nearby to lend a hand.

• really, who knew orchids were extinct?
• and again, that generous people were not?

I always thought it was the other way around.
Shows that the world can still surprise you, when you least expect it.

well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
when you think everything's okay and everything's going right
and life has a funny way of helping you out when
you think everything's wrong and everything blows up in your face
and isn't it ironic?

No one says it better than Alanis.
And secondly, there's just some stuff I better say now, before I chicken out later.

• I'm sorry, for being such a pig just now.
• I should have behaved better, but I didn't.
• It's none of your fault and I shouldn't have lepas geram on you guys or anything.
• I'm ashamed of myself.
• And again, I'm sorry,
• I'm sorry,
• And I'm sorry,

Thank god also for friends, because only they will put up with you, regardless of how immature and selfish you may be. And for that I'm grateful for both; friends and being put up with.

I know what it's like to look at my sour face. And other people need not see it.
I should have kept it to myself.

love, joyce.

ps: sorry it came out the way it did..I'm not very good at apologising. So I hope you take it as it is and not as how it sounds or how it came out, or, er..you know what I mean right? And, if there were two things it could mean, I meant the nicer one.

Stuff You Learn...

Dear lonely isle,

Did you know?

• I want to watch Batman Begins.
• One of the Important People in my life has never watched any of the Batman movies before.
• My IQ is 110.
• Based on my mentality, I should be 20.
• According to how I live my life, I should die by the age of 76.
• My Star Wars pickup line is "Hey! Did you just grab my ass from across the room with your Force Grip?"
• My Amazing Yoda Sex Line is "Do me or do me not-there is no try."
  
• My Star Wars Horoscope, against all evidence, says that I most resemble C3Po (come on, everyone KNOWS I'm the lean, mean, asthmatic-breathing killing machine).
• My Sexy Brazilian name is Maryeva Pires.
• That the chances I'll go to hell is 14%.
  
• That I'm 60% normal (really normal).
• That I was born in the Year of The Rabbit, but i really should have been born in the Year of The Rabbit (goes to show, some things were made for you).
• That my brain is 46.67% female and 53.33% male (hmm....I'm a guy now?).
• That I have fantastic karma.
• I really really want to watch Batman Begins (guys, *hint* *hint* *wink* *wink*)
  
• That Someone really hasn't watched a SINGLE Batman movie.

Neither did I.

love, joyce.

Really Ann Gee, shame on you...

White Flag

"..it's the hardest thing to say,
I'll miss your love in every day.."

Dear lonely isle,

It's true. Eventually, inevitably, and somehow, we end up alone. We started off alone, so it's only natural we leave alone. And so on, it comes back to haunt me. Despite how things are now, I am rest assured how they will be later on. We end up alone, eventually.
Everywhere we turn, people are leaving. They go off in search of a better future, furthering studies and maybe, who knows, a better life. Somewhere without me.
I hope always, and pray too, that they might come back. That one day, some one will knock on my door, and it'll be them. And things will be as they used to. But somehow, it's just never the same.
But then why? Why do we form attachments knowing that one day such bonds will break, weakened by time, distance and circumstances? Why do we rise knowing we will fall? Why do we pursue the bird that one day flies away?
Maybe it's because some things, temporary as it may be, would still mean something years from now, when sight is blurred and hearing dimmed, maybe we'll look back and these memories will bring a smile. Maybe on days when we feel all the years we have lived, and realised that it has been a lifetime, we look across the room, and realise that we are not alone.
'Till death do us part', means that one of us will end up alive, and alone.
So we return once again to the inevitable fact: We end up alone, eventually.
Because despite how many 'maybes' we can conjure up, the reality is, we are alone.
Not now, perhaps. But who can say what tomorrow's winds will bring, and of their tidings?
There are many things I can't change, and fewer still that I know, and then again, much that is beyond me. But even though I may regret bonds I make today, right now, they are the lifeline that anchors me to shore, the fragile rope that hauls my ship to safety, always.
One day though, this ship will stand alone, and she will raise a flag. And the proud banner will ride the winds, over and over, till only a whisper remains. But still it will say, in words faded and torn, a silent plea to faded faces,

'I miss you'

love, joyce.

Sunday Morning

"..love is for fools,

who live in better dreams.."

Dear lonely isle,

But for the rest of us, we have family,

and we have friends.

love, joyce.

Once Upon A Time...

"..I do not attempt to unravel dreams,
they unravel me.."

Dear lonely isle,

When I was napping today I had the weirdest dream. It goes like this...

My father and I never stay in one place for long. We're always moving. He takes an interest in all things out of the ordinary and wherever odd things are happening, that's where you'll find us.
My father's rather unusual line of work takes us to a rather remote kingdom this time. It's a small country, and their king just recently died. What's odd is that the king was murdered, and there was no successor to the throne. I mean, not even next of kin, or an able minister with a motive. Everywhere we turn, we meet dead ends.
The king's will states that all his possesions, even his throne, goes to his gardener, a rather cute face who does odd jobs around the palace. Things were definitely not making much sense here, and my father was in the thick of things. As in, he was really feeling thick, so did the rest of us. This was weird.
But it gets weirder. The king's last wishes are that his kingdom be sealed away, his palace in the middle of a forest of thorns, so that it'd be unreachable to all. And the new king, the gardener, was to be with the kingdom too. Okay, so now who do we listen to, the new king or the old king?
The new king, or the gardener as we should say, was a rather simple and innocent guy. Even though looks can be deceiving, I was rather sure, will or otherwise, this WAS NOT the murderer.
The only possible suspect to me was a blond pale guy who always wore black. He was the king's butler and he had sad blue eyes. I know I know, the butler did it, you say. But something didn't quite fit. The king treated the butler well, and had no past grudges held against him. Once again, I wished I was an entire C.S.I. team (if only Ann Gee was here. Her skills of expertise in the area would have been greatly appreciated.) .
On the king's funeral, it was a pretty dark and stormy night, suitable for dramatic endings and mysterious happenings. We were all gathered in the tiny church that held the king's lifeless form, and the gardener (the new king really) was outside in the adjoining cemetery digging a grave. I know, it's weird.
So we were all there, and I was standing near the window, watching the gardener. He looked sad, as he shovelled land out of the hole which was to be king's final resting place. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree, and the tree fell on him!
We rushed out to his aid, but it was too late. The gardener was out cold, and a quick check by the palace physicians prooved that he will remain in coma for the rest of his life.
Now we have two incapacitated kings, and no successor to the throne. I was just about to suggest that they give up monarchy and adopt democracy or something, when a cry of anguish breaks out in the crowd. The butler was crying in a crumpled heap upon the floor, shaking.
Later on, he confessed his to his crimes of killing the king. It seems, there was a reason why the old king never got married. He was in love with the gardener.
As to why he's last wishes were so, I guess all's fair in love and war. He wanted to keep the gardener to himself even after death, out of the prying hands of his butler, who also loved the gardener.
So the butler was banished, and the castle and the country and the comotose gardener was sealed up in a forest of thorns, forever isolated from the world.
And every night, a blond figure, all in black, would ride to the forest edge and wait forlornly, for a love forever out of reach.

I guess, crimes of passion, never did make any sense, and the fact of a love triangle between three guys does not help. Sorry to have wasted your time, for those who read it and wished they didn't, and sorry for those who're disgusted cos I have sick dreams.

Honest, I never thougnt nothing of that sort, ever.

love, joyce.

Aren't I a bad, bad girl?

I need a hug...as always