Yin Yin on bad days...

what Yin Yin does everyday..

yea, the mating is definitely important.. 

Introducing Yin Yin, The Giant Panda...

"..sleep with one eye open,
gripping your pillow tight.."

Dear lonely isle,

I have a confession to make.
I think I need to sleep earlier.
As it is, I'm turning into a panda, and is very nearly completing my metamorphorsis.
Let's see:

• I already have the characteristic black rings. (check)
• Will soon adopt the cute cuddly body of a panda aka being really round and FAT. (getting there, what with being a garbage of society and all..)
• Is picky on food. (erm, check? Though I do not limit my diet to only bamboo, and neither am I a carnivore trying to survive on a herbivore diet..)
• Food supply is running out due to extensive logging and forestation. (possibly. I mean, maybe all the deer died out. But then again, is still able to live off poultry, beef and other domesticated animals. Except cats, dogs and various other pets that people don't usually eat.)
  
• Is in heat only for 3 days a year. (most definitely, utterly, and totally NOT. Ok, maybe that's one trait I cannot copy..)
• Does not hibernate in winter. (check. In winterless Malaysia, is able to hibernate at any time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Will wake up for meals, toilet and social life though.)
• Spend most of time looking for food, in fact, so much time that everything else is put on hold, ie; looking for a mate. (erm, I think this one is a no. Food is important, but then again, so's mating ;p )

Ok, 5 out of 7 is bad.

I need to sleep earlier. Period.

love, joyce.

So Yesterday

"..laugh it off let it go and,
when you wake up it will seem
so yesterday, so yesterday,
haven't you heard I'm gonna be okay?.."

Dear lonely isle,

It's not gonna work.

love, joyce.

"..and I don't know why,
I can't keep my eyes off of you.."

I Am Stupid. I Realise That.

"..all of the things that I want to say,
just aren't coming out right,
I'm tripping inwards,
you got my head spinning,
I don't know where to go from here.."

Dear lonely isle,

Permission to speak freely?

I really don't know what am I doing. Or what I'm trying to do.
This was doomed to fail even before it began. And yet still I had to try, or at least, try trying.
The thing is, I don't know much about this, and indeed I'm quite the failure in this department, so I just daren't do anything. Fear of touching the matter in case something breaks.
Things have often broken in the past. I just didn't want it to happen again.
But, sometimes I go home and feel like using my head as a punching bag for being such an idiot. Nothing else quite catches the essence of pummeling myself for being so entirely and totally stupid. Something must really be wrong with me if I were to think that this might just work.

People are nice because they are.
People are nice because they are.
People are nice because they are.

And knowing that, just hurts.
Hurts like crap.

Just within reach, within sight, but never near enough.

Somebody shoot me.. and make sure I die.

love, joyce.

Sinfulness

"..and even if my house falls down now,
I wouldn't have a clue,
because you're near me,
and I want to thank you.."

Dear lonely isle,

The campaign has pretty much reached a stalemate. So let's not talk about depressing news, shall we?

Well, please forgive me, for I have sinned.
Gluttony took over yesterday and I found myself so full I could not breathe.
God knows the after effects of eating too much are already punishment in itself.
I feel bad everytime I think of poor people starving to death somewhere far far away, where nasi lemak does not present itself at every stall, and mamak is virtually unheard of. And here I am, being stuffed to death.

Surprisingly, even though I enjoyed the dinner, I found I enjoyed myself even more earlier that evening, (no offence to the birthday boy, who nevertheless was a good host and provided good food) though I can't say I'm surprised :P

And for reasons unknown, I seem to be suffering from a terrible back ache, even as I type this. I don't know why but it feels as if I would keel over and die any moment now.
And still, all I can think of is whether I should engage the target tonight.

*rolls eyes* There's no helping some people.

love, joyce.

PS: but seriously, I so need to get over this...

(No Comment)

"..I would fall asleep,
only in hopes of dreaming,
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting,
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor.."

Dear lonely isle,

Well this war is going no where, or at least from where I'm standing I don't see anything significant. So, pretty much my campaign looks like a flop but still I'm trying.
Heh, you can't stop a fool from fighting a losing battle :)

It sounds silly even as I type this, and it certainly doesn't look like it's gonna get any better, but I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. I guess I just bob around from day to day, living one hour at a time, and not thinking about anything much except the next skirmish.
I guess winning campaigns were mapped out much better than this, and that the commander actually had a grand strategy, or a plan nonetheless. Makes you wonder how I fail eh?

My advisors tell me that subtlety is of the essence and that in everything I do, caution must be laid and having a general feel about the whole matter is important. All out battles are a no no I'm told. Rather, attacking and retreating and attacking and retreating seems to be in fashion now, and that I really should give it a try. But no one can tell me when it is I'm supposed to engage the target, before fleeing into the bushes once more. It comes naturally eh? So this is why my campaigns tend to fail...

It was an accident really, somehow I tripped, and then I fell, and then this mess pretty much came up to meet me.

I'm considering sending out kamikaze troops or perhaps joining the suicide bombers, but lets hold them till the last possible moment shall we? I'm not giving up on this yet.

Wish a soldier luck, will you?

love, joyce.

PS: if all else fails, I'll make a grand last stand...

You And Me...And Everyone Else.

Dear lonely isle,

Erm, well we return to where we were once again.
And again, I don't have answers.

Things seem to be going well, but no, that's not what we want. We want things to be great.

So what do we do?
I guess we'll leave it alone.

But ignoring it will not make it any better.

What day is it?
and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive

I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

all of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words

you've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it?
and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive.

Life House
You and Me

The new baby!!
It's gonna be oh-so-mine...soon...SOON.. ^.^

Sunken Treasure

"..don't let your life pass you by,
weep not for the memories.."

Dear lonely isle,

We often wonder what lies ahead of us, but we can never know, till we reach our destination.
And sometimes, to find out, maybe even out of habit, we look back.

And therein lies our past. We look upon it as one might upon an old friend, or sometimes as one might upon a skeleton in one's closet. But no matter how we perceive it, it remains still a past. Our past. That which has already come to pass.
And try as we might too, there are just some things that you cannot forget, and still more you cannot remember. Some memories lie in an archive hidden away, locked, and far beyond our reach, though it still lies within us. Others we wish to erase, to deny its existance, but to no avail.

Why is it that we cannot forget those we wish to cease remembering, and why is it we forget that which we wish to remember?

Strong memories are never really lost, and though they may fade, many things may trigger its recollection, like a bubble rises to the surface. Strangely, it is all in our heads. Everything we have ever done, seen, touched, discover, or learned is all contained in our mind. We may forget them for a while, but should the right stimulation presents itself, we remember once more.

Sometimes maybe we shouldn't. Yet on other occassions we are glad for the reminder.
Still, it is but just a memory. A flimsy thread into a past that is lost to us forever.

But then again, maybe some things are better off lost.

love, joyce.

Grey Matter

"..the remedy is the experience,
it's a dangerous liaison,
I say the comedy is that it's serious,
which is a strange enough new play on words.."

Dear lonely isle,

Some things we give we just can't take back.
Maybe because some things are just too insubstantial to be given or received.
But if we felt it, does it mean that it does exist?
Felt in the sense that we feel with our mental consciousness but we can sense no shape or presense, save the nature of the thing that which we have received. We can perceive hostility, ill-intent, or sometimes joy radiating from a person, but we can neither see it, touch it, feel it or even smell its presence.
Animals are said to be able to smell fear, but probably in the same sense that we are able to see a killing aura, which we can't, not really actually see an aura hovering around a really really really pissed person whom you say, spilt honey on during the trip to the ant farm, by the way.
So how do we feel something as insubstantial as love? Or hate, for that matter.
Are they really all just emotions we conjure in our heads as an explanation of the way we feel towards another person? Or is it something more?
Why do we even feel these terrible things? Hormones?
What drives us, other than the need to propagate our species, to sacrifice and to devote our time, attention and thoughts towards another?
I realise I'm starting to not make much sense again... so just forgive this relapse...
I don't know how this happens. I just start typing with a blank mind, and before I know it, I'm at a point where I don't even know what I'm typing about. So I tend to pretend that I actually know what I'm typing and that I actually intended to type it all along. It's not hard to spot these posts. It's usually things that start with something, and end up as something very different.
It happens all the time, especially when I have nothing particular to blog about, and just felt the need to go bang on the keyboard for awhile. It usually ends up with some crap post that doesn't make sense even to me, and just goes to show that the human brain, when left running idle without much thought processing, will tend to malfunction and spew crap in every direction. Or maybe it's just me. Other people who leave their brains running idle, and let the grey cells direct the fingers across the keyboard probably end up penning "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" or even the "A Brief History of Time". Which just goes to show why I will never make it as an author or will never become a philosophical genius. Everything I say tends to be crap-saturated.
And while most bloggers tend to write beautiful and meaningful posts, I tend towards the nonsensical junk just to fulfill my fingers' need to exercise. And possibly because my mind is always blissfully blank when I start blogging. It's only when I've finished and published the post that I realise the amount of damage I have caused, both to my reputation as a mentally stable person and to other people's perception of me as one. Which I think that with each oncoming post, is eroding their initial view of me as one, and building up the mental barricade that I am certainly not one.
Well, I know your opinion of me is certainly somewhere below ground by now, and hopefully with this post, you will realise that most of this is against my will as my mind does not care much for my reputation, neither does it really give much thought to how people see me and so on henceforth continues to type..

Well, there is only so much crap you can produce in one day, and for this brain, I think today's production is a tad bit lower than normal thanks to the inability and ineffectiveness of this body to recover from fevers fast enough.

So thank you for making it this far.

love, joyce. ('s brain)

Parading The Skeleton

"..where is the moment we need it the most,
you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost.."

Dear lonely isle,

Well the terrifying things are out, and I guess I've come to somewhat terms with it.
I can't shut them back in the closet so I guess I have to figure out what to do with the little nightmares.
Well, my dad was suggesting Sabah, so I pray that people don't want to go there and not apply for it, so that my chances are higher, but then again, oh well, whatever happens is probably determined to make me scream and feel like trashing someone. So I pray that for once, that things will come out rather desireable.
After all if I do get it, I am going to go all the way to Sabah, and possibly live surrounded by heaps and heaps of mother nature.
Mother nature and I have always lived on the basis of; she's out there, and I'm in here. We see each other occasionally and politely wave, but other than that, we pretty much mind our own business.
But I'm hardly complaining, I'd probably be much too happy to refuse.
Well I'd probably complain 1 week into the whole course. Then maybe you should check back with me in a month or 2. If I haven't died by then, you can rest assured I'm going to be just fine.
So everything's going to be all right right?

If they would only let me register and apply for the bloody course...

love, joyce.

Dear lonely isle,

Tonight I wanna cry.

love, joyce.

"Ignorance"

Dear lonely isle,

I realise that many people do not know the difference between having tact and promoting ignorance.
I realise that many people do not think their way though before opening their mouth to speak. The first thing that pops into their mind is said, without considering the consequences. The space of what we want to say and what we say is very very small, and often we tend to skip the thinking and consideration part.

But first, ignorance and having tact.
Ignorance is knowing that your housing area is in the way of a giant hurricane, yet you refuse to evacuate because you think what you don't know, can't hurt you. Ignorance is not knowing the difference between having tact and ignorance, and thinking it's the same. Ignorance is not a crime, yet sadly there are many people who think it is. Especially ignorant people. (who sadly, do not realise they are.)
They believe that because they can handle certain issues, that everyone can. I mean, we all get it that you of all people are very strong emotionally and are able to handle earthquakes and death on a regular basis, but for the rest of us, some things affect us more deeply than others. And why we react differently to these things is what makes us all different inside, unique, and human. A person who does not panic in a fire is no better than one who does. There is a reason to the way we react. And understanding that, in a way, is tact.
And being able to understand that, to know how it feels like to be in another person's shoes, and to react to that person, taking into consideration the person's feelings, opinions, and how important that issue is to that person, is tact.
The same sentence, when said in a different tone, or in a different way can have a different effect on a person. While some people are more direct in their approach, they would prefer a softer approach to them. It all boils down to the fact that everyone is different, and we handle our issues in a different way. Some people face their fear to conquer it, others avoid it. It does not make one type better than the other. And because everyone is different, there will be some who like you, some who love you, and some who hate you. Because everyone sees things in a different perspective, it takes a different approach for a different person. Nothing works for everyone.
For those who choose to bulldoze their ideas past everyone in the way or anyone they meet, they must learn to accept that not everyone will appreciate what they do, even if they're trying to help. Because perhaps even a different term used can make a difference between hate and gratitude.
And what some people must learn to understand is that, just because you can say it, doesn't mean that you have to or should. Just because you believe it to be right, or the truth or something you consider to be facts, doesn't mean that you should say it. Consider a man on his death bed, and because most people are afraid of death (something which most people can't understand I believe. While I'm not afraid of death, I understand that people are always afraid of the unknown. See? example of tact. Which is why death has to be handled delicately with most people.) you do not ask the dying man would he wish to be cremated or buried, especially if he's terrified of his fate. It may seem stupid to most ignorant people but then again, put yourself in the man's shoes. Have pity, if not sympathy for him that he feels that way, and help him be at ease during his last days, by not causing him to be more freaked out than he already is.
Tact is mostly about putting yourself in the other person's shoes, and trying to understand what it feels like even if you don't understand how they can see it that way. You don't have to understand the reason. Just having the heart to understand the feelings is enough to know that some people need to be handled differently.
Being blunt, direct, frank, brash, or any other name you want to give it, does have its charm sometimes. But it's the person who knows when to use it and when not to, is a person who thinks with his brain, and not let his mouth do the thinking for him. For if you keep talking, how can you listen. And if you do not listen, how can you hope to understand? The first step before you impart advice or another is to first listen. If you do not know how, shutting up and paying attention to what the other person has to say would be a good effort in the right direction.

Well, sorry for the extended lecture, but I really felt that some people should know this. And maybe consider what they have written, or said, in a different light, and see for themselves how ignorant they are, even if they try to believe that they're covered in truth.

love, joyce.

The Most Worthless Person

Dear lonely isle,

I'm just too tired.
And I just don't understand.
Am I so stupid that everything I say has to be crap of some kind?

I don't understand why I can't just complain or whine about something.
I've listened to lame stories, stupid dilemmas and crappy experiences all in the name of friendship. Stupid things that really seem worthless to me. No matter how stupid or small the problem is. No matter how lame I think it is. Because I don't want to offend people. Because I fucking care. Because I know that after that you'll feel better. That you can smile again. So I listen, because I understand that sometimes you just need to complain. That everyone needs to vent once in awhile. And they want someone to respond. To tell them it's alright, that everything will be ok and that has got to be the worst experience ever and that no one is ever as unlucky as you. And that they need cheering up.

Why can't the fuck I get the same?

Why can't I ever complain or just vent without ever getting a "it's just..." , "too bad then." or a " I've had worse."? I mean I understand that most of the population today have probably been through World War 2 which is why everything I ever say is so insignificant that no one ever notices.
Why can't I ever express myself without getting fucking pissed by people who think that they're telling the truth as it is? And people wonder why I don't explain things or don't tell them things. I would, if you would listen.

People always tell me I look happy. That I have a positive outlook on life. That being around me makes them feel better because I can make them feel better.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I need to feel better too...

I guess I really need to hear those magic words.
Words often spoken. Words I tell everyone who needs to hear it. Because I know that we all need them once in awhile.
Funny, but I hardly ever hear it.

But then again, I guess I'm just not worth it. Not worth listening to. Not worth comforting. Not worth any damn thing but always there should you need to complain.

Just forget about it I guess. I'll just complain here. And listen to the silence.

love, joyce.

PS: please don't comment on this. I've had enough as it is. I don't need to listen to more "too bad"s, "that's life"s , "you can't expect everything to go smoothly"s, "it's just.."s, "why are you overreacting?"s, and whatever shit you people can dish up. Just spare me the fucking smart remarks k? Didn't your parents ever teach you that if you don't have anything nice to say, just shut up? Oh yes I forgot, you're all claiming to be fucking bitches and bastards, so that's your excuse to be offensive to the world.

Fallen

heaven bent to take my hand
and lead me through the fire
be the long awaited answer
to a long and painful fight

truth be told I've tried my best
but somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
and the cost was so much more than I could bear

though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
so don't come around here
and tell me I told you so..

we all begin with good intent
love was raw and young
we believed that we could change ourselves
that the past could be undone

but we carry on on our back the burden
time always reveals
in the lonely light of morning
in the wound that would not heal

it's the bitter taste of losing everything
that I've held so dear

I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
so don't come around here
and tell me I told you so

heaven bent to take my hand
no where left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
to everyone I know

oh they turn their heads, embarassed
pretend that they don't see
but it's one misstep
and you'll slip before you know it

and there doesn't seem a way
to be redeemed

though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
better I should know
so don't come around here
and tell me I told you so.

Fallen
Sarah Mclachlan

The F Word

"..but it's one misstep,
and you'll slip before you know it,
and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.."

Dear lonely isle,

I don' t want to face it.
I refuse to face it.
I don't want to wake up and realise that it's the truth.
I don't want to live with the fact that I'm a failure.

I guess everything boils down to this. I'm a failure.
I am a failure.

And for every person that believes in you, every person that you let down, is more than a hundred times repaid on yourself. For every person that I let down, I let myself down even more.
And the person who cannot forgive me for this failure, the one who will never forget, can never forget, is me.
So at the end of the day, no matter how much I cry, worry or think about the disappointment I'm causing others, the biggest disappointment is mine.

Sometimes the hardest thing to face in life is failure. Especially if you've never failed before (in that sense). And truly, it's a very big step for me.
You can hold my hand, but you can't face my fear for me.
Yes. I can't face it.
It's probably very silly for most people that I'm blogging about this, but then again, I've always been a silly little girl. Refusing to grow up and look at the real world. Wanting to live in my land of parks, swings and stories.

Sooner or later I will have to come to terms with it, but even the very thought of it sends me the shivers.
The fact that I'm a failure.

There it is again. The F word.

Someone tell me the magic words.

love, joyce.

That Which Does Not

"..let me empty,
and weightless,
and maybe,
I'll find some sleep tonight.."

Dear lonely isle,

That which does not kill you will only make you stronger.
Or so I've been told.
However, that which does not kill you will also make you:

1. Pissed.
2. Sore & tired.
3. Aching all over.
4. Cuss at god and the world.
5. Feel like never ever doing another day of work in your life.
6. Decide to become a parasite and live off your parents till the day YOU die.
7. Possibly more resilient to hard work than you already are.
8. Wish that it had.

Well, yea I'm not actually dead, neither am I any stronger. If anything, all my aches, pains and sores are carried over to the next day, where they accumulate another layer of aches, pains and sores and pile one on top of the other, and possibly turning into layers of fossilied agony and suffering. Basically, I end up with one big mothershitload of aches, pains and sores. Better yet, it can be documented this way, so that future generations will know and understand as I have suffered. And will possibly decide to live off their parents for the rest of their lives rather than repeat this mistake.
Eternal rest is the definite 'in' thing for me. Nothing could be greater than never having to work another day of your life, staying in bed until past ten, and not doing anything productive.

So that which does not kill you, just should have tried harder.
God knows it's a whole lot less suffering that way.

love, joyce.

~ who's more innocent? ~

~ can't decide? ~

I swear he bullies me....

~ haz and i ~

...don't disturb people with shiny hair...

~ don't take my picture ck...

~ cam whores ~ and loving it! ~

~ feel the love...

~ future huggers, love drivers and junk food promoters.

~ what happens when we're told those aren't proper jobs..

The Reason

"..I know I tend to get so insecure,
it doesn't matter anymore.."

Dear lonely isle,

What do you know...it's already March.
Yup, my days are numbered.

Well, I guess I miss us.
I miss the times we could just pick a house and hang out in each other's rooms. Just lie around, and talk about things we don't tell other people.
I miss the days we'd go out, on impulse and shop, or eat, or watch movies or just walk around.
I miss trips to the park in the evening, feeding mosquitoes and buying corn.
I miss the swings.
I miss girls' night out.
I miss sleepovers.
I miss sitting in the dark at night in a car, listening to songs.
I miss cooking days. I miss baking together.
I miss everything.
I guess I miss us.

But on the other hand, it's nice to see that smile.
I've missed that stupid face too.
Just to know that everything's fine again.

Well, what more can I ask?
It's everything that makes me happy.
So as long as you are, I am too.

Being close doesn't mean that you have to see each other everyday. You don't even need to spend lots of time together, because what's close is the distance between your hearts. If truly there is such a link between 2 people, you'll know that even if you haven't seen each other in years, you'll pick up right where you left off.
Or so I tell everyone else.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really trying to tell myself.

If I was, what am I trying to say?

Whispers in the wind. Nothing more.

love, joyce.

~ item number 1

~ item number 2

~ item number 3

Wishlist

Dear lonely isle,

I don't know why but my Hello refuses to connect and therefore I can't post my piccies on my blog..
Weird.
Worse still, I can't show everyone my new wish list for this year...
Anyhow, I can still list them out, though it would be easier if you guys knew how it looks like :P
So...

1. Thud! (Corgi publishing. Paperback. which hasn't appeared yet)
2. The Art of Discworld
3. Nanny Ogg's Cookbook

Hehe, I will not refuse should you decide to buy any one of the above for me. (heck, not even all 3..)
But then again, I must first reflect on whether I have been good lately and whether I deserve such presents.
So, if you don't mind, I'll take a quiet reflection...
..........................................................
..........................................................
..........................................................
..........................................................
..........................................................

Ok, I'm done.
And yes, I so totally deserve those presents :)
is what I wish I could say, but as usual, I'm compelled to tell the truth at all times (most of the time anyway..).
Well, truth is I haven't been really nice to most people lately, and to those who think I've been nice to you, well, then you're not one of the majority.
I know I'm already naturally mean, but well, meaner than usual?
And what makes it even worse it that it's not really their fault, as in they didn't have it coming or anything, it's just mean Joyce at work. So I've been going around making people's lives miserable, or basically making them rethink reasons for being friends with me....
Well...anyway even though I don't deserve them, doesn't really mean that I don't want them, or will put up too much of a fight, should you decide to give them to me :)
Sure I'll feel guilty, and maybe will never be able to live with myself, but I'd still enjoy the books all the same :)

So, anyone feeling more than a little generous?

love, joyce.

D-O-O-M.

"..heaven bent to take my hand,
lead me through the fire,
be the long awaited answer,
to a long and painful fight.."

Dear lonely isle,

I don't know why, but this month seems to go on forever. It feels like the longest month ever, and even the days seem to stretch into infinity.
Well, I know I should be enjoying this state of events, with the upcoming impending doom, but somehow I just can't.
Lately, I'm starting to become easily annoyed (even more than before) and very irritated. I feel like screaming at the world, and I can't stop being irritated. FYI, it's not a fun feeling, being irritated.
And not to mention the nightmares...won't they leave me alone? At least let me have some peace when I sleep. As if worrying during my waking hours is not enough, now I have to go through STPM again in my dreams?
Well, yea, it is really haunting me, and I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes I think it's best if the day just came and get over with it, but then again, I don't want the day to come either.
So it's good to go on being extra bad-tempered? I think I'm starting to piss people off. Heck, I'm starting to piss myself off.
But I guess I am really worried about my results.
And for all you motherfuckering sons of bitches who think with what you may think of as 'your wisecrack mouth', it isn't "just results".
But then again, not all of us are as rich as you are to think that way. I wish I was, so I wouldn't have to worry my head off now, but for the rest of us, (or maybe just me) it's never going to be "just results".
Damn I hate these people.
Anyway, for me I think it's just going to be another night of trying to destress in the hope that when I close my eyes I don't see my school, STPM, results or exams. And also hoping that I don't wake up wanting to spank the world for bad behaviour, and with murderous thoughts about the people around me. (yea, that's how irritated I am nowadays.)
Due to some luck and some kindness I had some days ago, my pillow is rarely damp anymore, and I am able to sleep with dry things. Jellybean has been dry for 2 whole days. I'm quite surprised I haven't cultivated a moss-growing farm by now. Also, no more headaches, and runny noses and no more shaking. I'm actually quite normal now. :)

Well, all in a night's work for me.

love, joyce.

Dear.....

"..looking at the pages of my life,
faded, memories of me and you,
mistakes I know I've made a few.."

Dear lonely isle,

That day when I was trying to destress before sleeping (I hope it'll shoo away the nightmares..), I was looking for a book to read, after singing didn't help. And I stumbled upon my little book of complaints.
Yea, I used to have one before I learnt to tell other people about things. And yea, my blog is my new book of complaints except that it isn't as private as it used to be.
It's a small maroon hardcover book that used to be my salvation everytime I felt that things could never be all right again. I would scribble away in cursive because that helped me to focus more on what I was writing and basically as a way to relieve the stress, as opposed to screaming. So yea, the writing is pretty horrible, because I was kind of stressed at times. The uglier and more unreadable, the worse I was feeling at that time..
And well, since I didn't really have anything to do then, I decided might as well have a good laugh before I went to bed.
So I chose a random page and started reading. It was always the same. I would start with marginally readable writing and by the time I reached the third page I was already guessing half the words... To think I can't even read my own writing..
Some were quite long as I had a lot to whine about and some were pretty short because I was too pissed to write I think.
I can say I rediscovered a lot of things yesterday. I found out that I can be very irrational and there were some entries that made me mark myself down as 'paranoid, verging on psychotic'. Most of it is when I'm pissed, or sad. Well it's my guess that a lot of things made me sad, which is why I had so much to write about. And a lot of things probably made me very pissed too, which is why all of you know me as an easily agitated person who is also easily annoyed and irritated. Yea I guess I'm pretty bad tempered.
Well some entries were kinda funny because I write about stupid things, and some reminded me of how sad I was at times. But it's good to keep things like this, because I have a bad memory, and half the things that happened are but just vague figures in my mind.
And yea, there were some things I said that just doesn't bear repeating here because you'll never know how offensive you can be until you're alone.

Makes you think eh?
What is it that people think when they're alone?

love, joyce.

Stuff

For those of you who currently need something to chew on well, i'm not free to put this all down yet but you can have a look here...
http://ambiguous88livejournal.com/10051.html
sorry for promoting other people's sites, but well, just have a read. it's good.
haha just bear with the tiny text for awhile...

Undo. Rewrite. Erase.

wanting to spit out the jarred thoughts is
because there's no other proof of my existance
my future that I should have grabbed hold is
conflicting between 'dignity' and 'freedom'

wanting to erase the distorted afterimage is
because I'll see my limit in there
in the window of the excessively self-conscious me
there are no dates in last year's calendar

erase and rewrite
the pointless ultra-fantasy
revive
the unforgettable sense of being
rewrite
the meaningless imagination
the driving force that creates you
give it your whole body and soul

after cutting my feelings that grew, I regret
after realizing that after all, I'm just a mediocrity,
I cry
a depressed heart
a dirty lie

erase and rewrite
the pointless ultra-fantasy
revive
the unforgettable sense of being
rewrite
the meaningless imagination
the driving force that creates you
give it your whole body and soul

Undo
Asian Kung-Fu Generation

"Erase everything.
Take it all back.
Unravel the mistake.
Take me apart.
Erase my existance."

Undo
your mistakes

Rewrite
the past

Erase
your life

Far Away

this time, this place
misused, mistakes
too long, too late
who was I to make you wait?

just one chance
just one breath
just in case there's just one left
'cause you know
you know, you know

that I love you
I have loved you all along
and I miss you
been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

on my knees, I'll ask
last chance for one last dance
'cause with you, I'd withstand
all of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all
I'd give for us
give anything but I won't give up
'cause you know
you know, you know

that I love you
I have loved you all along
and I miss you
been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'cause I needed
I need to hear you say

that I love you
I have loved you all along
and I forgive you
for being away for far too long
so keep breathing
'cause I'm not leaving you anymore
believe it
hold on to me and never let me go

Far away
Nickelback

Old Stuff

"..here I go,
scream my lungs out,
and try to get to you,
you are my only one.."

Dear lonely isle,

You know how it's like when it's time to clear your room. Time to take out all the things you don't need and putting them in a big cardboard box before throwing them away.
But the longer you've had them, the harder it is to throw away.
That old toy you used to play with when you were younger, now nothing but excess baggage in the closet.
Your favourite skirt, now a few sizes to small.
Old books, clothes, trophies, toys. Old stuff.
But the thing with old stuff is, even though they're broken, or missing some bits, they contain more memories than you think. And nothing wears better than an old stuff.
Old stuff are like fats, they cling to your heart and internal organs, like shock absorbers and security blankets. But one day, you just know, it's time to say goodbye.
So how do you say goodbye to people?
Like old stuff, they've been around. And even though you haven't seen them for some time, you just know that they'd always have a special place in your heart.
And even when they leave you, there'd always be things that will remind you of their presence.
Little things like familiar sights, sounds, smells...
So how do you say goodbye to people?
No matter how you try, it never ever gets easier.
You'd think that after the first few, you'd eventually get over it. Or maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad anymore.
But's it's not just something you get used to...
I wonder why.
Sometimes you wonder if life is just a long string of goodbyes.
People come into your life and leave again.
Some leave dust bunnies in your heart. Others are like a muddy footprint that won't wash off the carpet. Although many come and go empty handed, there are always some that leave with a handful of your heart. A rare few even take enough of you home for friends and relatives.
But who's to say you left empty handed?
Maybe, without even knowing, you took with you a pinch of thought, and a sprinkle of love and a lifetime of rememberance (for possibly spilling honey on the couch, but that's not really the point). So who knows, when you're gone, you might actually be missed.
So how do you say goodbye to people?

I prefer au revoir.
Till the seeing again.

love, joyce.

something i think i should get.... 

Sinners, Sheep, and Self-preservation

"..dont' go chasin' waterfalls,
please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to,
I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all,
but I think you're moving too fast.."

Dear lonely isle,

Forgive me for I have sinned.
I have erred.
Forgive me for I have commited that which I should not.
Forgive me mine foolishness and wipe away my stain, so that I may be redeemed and whole once more.
Cleanse the soul so that it may once again be pure.
Give the ailing heart a reason so that blessed it will be once more.
Grant peace and salvation unto me.

Humans are sinners. It's the way we were possibly made.
If we're lucky, we might just happen to live a life that isn't quite that sinful, but for many of us, truly we need to be saved.
Like lost sheep that venture the wilderness, we turn on ourselves, finding that meat tasted better, we became cannibals and ate our own kind, forsaking the bland taste of grass and wheat, embracing the wild, sweet forbidden meat.
Truly, we seemed to have evolved into dogs.
We chew the occassional bone when we have to, but nothing satisfies like a huge, raw steak.
And what could compete with the craving of sinking our teeth into another of our kind?
Dog eat dog world indeed.
Eat, or be eaten. Kill, or be killed. (Nevermind you don't like how it tastes. Your opponent probably never tried anything more flavourful than carrot. But that's not the point.)
Carnivore, vegetarian, humanitarian or no, there's just something in us that tends to herd us towards our own destruction.
Consider the facts we learn in biology. Every species that lives, has among other things, a main purpose in life. Get born, get bigger, get laid, get offspring, get dead.
Ok. Maybe not the get dead part, but the rest is pretty much the same.
They lived to propagate. To produce offspring for the continuation of the species. Anything to ensure that the future generation exists, nevermind if it may become competition later and have to be killed. Self-preservation is important after all. But the bottomline is, you did your duty.
But the thing about humans is, we somehow developed a brain, which lead to people like this, and blogs like this in which yours truly is typing out obscene gibberish in the hope unravelling the true mystery of mankind. Or maybe the reason why we live. Or why we have a brain. It doesn't matter.
The thing is, we think too much. And with thinking, what starts our as a plan to ensure our survival; building better houses, growing larger crops, building nuclear bombs to protect ourselves, etc, etc, etc; we somehow divert along the way, and accelerate full speed ahead in the direction of our destruction, ie. nuking the neighbouring country for looking at us in a threatening way. (Note that in some aspects we are pretty much like our 'unthinking' cohabitants on this earth, when we turn something in the nature of continuation of the species into something of the continuation of our own survival. Truly, self-preservation is built into us. But I'm getting ahead of myself here, we'll return to this soon.)
As I was saying. We follow the logical thinking of humans.
I live to propagate my species. I live to pass on my genes to the next generation. I live so that would be a next generation. Therefore, it is vital that I live.
For if I did not live, where would they come from?
Truly, the instinct for self preservation is strong within us.
But when our instinct for self preservation leads us to self destruction, truly, I stand in awe, there is nothing more amazing, or more ridiculous than humans.
We started off rather well, being primal and all. Then we developed philosophy, which lead to other things like education and thinking, and then we end up like this.
So, first we knew we had to propagate. Then we realised that to propagate, it is vitally important to look out for number one. Then it dawns on us that to do that, we must eliminate current competition. It just so happens everyone else thought about that too.
Ok so maybe not everyone of us is out to kill our neighbours and potential rivals, but somehow, as a whole, humanity seems to like jumping off cliffs, running away from the plague that hasn't arrived yet.
You could say we dug our own grave. I mean, it's not like you can trust anyone to do it better.

So maybe what's wrong with us is that I've been thinking too much.
Guilty as stated, really. I've just handed over the proof.

Yes, yes, I know I should go find something better to do with my time then to type silly things like this...

love, joyce.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz... 

beyond the gate..  

~ roy mustang ~

brotherly love 

~ edward elric ~

~ alphonse elric ~

~ the Elric brothers ~

Circle Of Life

"..I watch the heavens and I find a calling,
something I can do to change this moment,
stay close to me, while the sky is falling,
don't wanna be left alone,
don't wanna be alone.."

Dear lonely isle,

Let's see. Your life is going nowhere. The future ends with a dark cliff overlooking a deep chasm and for the life of you you cannot tell if there is a bridge linking the present you to the bright clear mountains in the distance.
It's also dark, stormy and sufficiently depressing. No moon, no stars, no sky in sight. The sights are covered in cloud, fog, mist and god else knows what.
So. The burning question: What do you do?
It seems I've been asking this question quite a bit lately. And no, I'm not getting any replies, which is probably why I go on asking them again and again.
Even so, if there were replies, how would you know which is the right answer?
Which is the true path? Who gives the certain answer? No. More correctly, who gives the answer to the right ends? Which answer leads us there?
Again. No answers.
That's life. You live day to day without knowing what tomorrow will bring. Everyday is yet another question, another quiz, another test against our decision-making skills. Not knowing how today's answer will affect tomorrow's life.
And every mistake you make, rests on your shoulders.
The thing is, you'll never know when your next decision will become your next mistake.
It's a game. An adrenaline-inducing game. Where the fate of yourself and everyone you know and don't may very well rest in your hands, in the very choice you make.
There are no rules save one. Live today, to decide tomorrow.
So everyday we wake up and make our choices. Most of us play it safe, and make the same choices everyday.
But nothing is foolproof. Because not everyone makes the same decisions everyday. And should paths cross, something happens. For good, for bad, it's not important.
The only thing that matters is you live another day. Come tomorrow, we will decide once again.
Funny, but we never really realise how much power we have in our hands. Nor are we fully aware of the responsiblities and consequences that come with such enormity.
Half the time we don't even know what we are doing everyday. We tend to get lost living in the moment too often to realise.
And so we come a full circle.

And people wonder why the earth spins on it's axis. Everyday. Why does the sun set, and rise. Everyday.
Because, everything, eventually, comes a full circle.

And every decision you make will come back to bite you in the ass one day.
And that's a promise.

love, joyce.

A Girl's Life

"..and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time,
I want what's yours and I want what's mine,
I want you,
but I'm not giving in this time.."

Dear lonely isle,

You keep giving till you've got no more.
Then what do you do?
Continue to empty yourself?
What do you do?
Things happen. That's how they start.
Then further things happen.
Then they end.
Then so it begins, all over again. A cycle of things.
Even though sometimes we don't see the pattern, we can tell it repeats. Life is a series of repeats.
I don't know when I start. Or even why.
But it begins.
Then it goes on for a while. I say awhile because I cannot predict how long it will continue.
And then, suddenly, like how it came, I realise it's no longer there.
I don't know when it stopped. I don't know why.
So the cycle continues.
Some people don't stop. Others don't start.
What makes us go? What makes us stay?
What makes me unable to comprehend myself?
Maybe now I know. Maybe I think I know, but in actual fact, I still haven't got a clue...
So the best is to leave things be. I find that works best.
Just ignore it. Leave it alone and it'll go away by itself soon enough.
Do nothing about it, and no one gets hurt.
That's what it's all about, isn't it?
So no one gets hurt.
It comes. It makes my life miserable for a time. It has its fill of my misery. Then it leaves.
It comes. It bothers me. It leaves.
Simple, no?
Foolproof, yes?
Exactly.

I always knew I was quite bright.
But it never hurts to be sure.

love, joyce.

Wo Pu Hui Jiang Hua Yi....I'm That Sad....

"..and all I wanna hear is the message beep,
my dreams they come a kissin',
cause I don't get no sleep.."

Dear lonely isle,

No, I'm still not sleeping. Now I'm not eating as well.
Yes, the list of bad habits continue to grow, but what philosophy will I tie my eating habits to?
Sorry for the disappointment, but there are none. There are limits to the absurdity of my sick perverted mind.
The reasons why I'm not eating are probably because, I actually need to get thinner. (and apparently not eating will help) Also, probably because I don't feel like eating.
But then again, maybe it's because of the first reason that I don't feel like eating.
Anyway, it seems that I will not work.
Yes, Joyce the Lazy is at it again...
Speaking of which, I just recently watched the show Alexander. (think Collin Ferrel in mini skirt...rushing off to war...)
Goddammit, greeks are cool.
They make war in miniskirts.
They prance around in togas.
Women are for breeding purposes only.
It's one hell of a gay community.
Everyone has a toy boy, or a gay partner of some sort.
It's good to be a guy. Back then.
Alexander the Gay. You rock.
Back to what I was saying. Really, you shouldn't let me get sidetracked like that....
I am not going to work (or so I say now...). I'm going to learn mandarin =)
Yea, come check it out in about a month or 2....I hope this works....
But first of all, I need to find a place to learn mandarin...
But we'll see...we'll see.

Mandarin-speaking me? I don't know...

love, joyce.