Tol Eressea

Bad Feelings

2011-01-04T01:43:00.004+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

I have a bad feeling.

Actually let me rephrase that; I had a bad feeling just now.

Maybe that's still not entirely correct, the bad feeling has not yet passed.

Therefore, I am having a bad feeling. Sounds about right, no?

Okay lets start over.

"..at the end of the day,

its what you do and say,

that makes you who you are.."

Dear lonely isle,

I am having a bad feeling.

Of all the feelings I could be having about anything in particular, this has got to be the worst feeling I can have about this particular thing.

Maybe it was the bad dream I had this afternoon. Maybe it wasn't what I thought it was about.

Maybe it was the strange dream I had two nights ago.

Do you believe in foreboding? Do you believe in premonition, precognition, clairvoyance?

Do you believe in bad feelings?

But its only the start of the year. It should not start with a bad feeling.

Please let it not start with this bad feeling.

I am trying to be hopeful, but..actually I dare not say it. I'm afraid that if I'd even admit it to myself it might come true. And then when it did, I'd have to say that it really did happen.

I don't know what am I doing. I'm starting to see warning signs but I'm still charging full speed ahead.

I know I need to stop but I cannot stop myself.

Maybe I haven't been trying hard enough.

Truly, this has gone on long enough.

I must do something about this. I must.

I have ceased trying to be hopeful. Hope does not run events or get things done.

Hope does not get from trying to accomplishing.

Correction; I need to cease trying to be hopeful.

Hopefulness was what I hoped was enough.

So in myself I must place my trust. I will get things done.

So, even in the event that this bad feeling has a possibility somewhere in the future of coming true, I will snub it out by changing the course of actions starting from this very moment.

Truly I need to have more control of myself than what is currently happening to my willpower over my appetite.

I will be able to.

Honestly, I can't help but feel that this blog is truly, entirely and only for myself. The rambling monologue is nothing but a series of confusion for anyone else who tries to understand it.

I have gone from analogy to abstract to vague to currently, just indecipherable crap.

But it is something I need to get off of my chest. It would be nice to be reassured that its just pre-holiday jitters or overanxiety or whatnot, but since that option is not available to me, I guess this outlet will just have to do for now.

Bad feeling, please go away.

Love, Joyce.

Lost

2010-05-01T02:05:00.003+08:00

"..Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep

and doesn't know where to find them

Leave them alone and they'll come home

bringing their tails behind them.."

Sometimes I feel like one of her sheep. Despite the fact that I have herd mentality I also have this insane and annoying ability of getting lost.

Yes it is true. I have the sense of direction of a bat with a broken sonar.

Uncanny knack for getting lost in the literal sense aside, I also tend to get lost in all sorts of other ways as well.

Lost in thought, lost in emotions, lost in decisions, really, the list can go on.

I must have been born with a broken compass, in every sense of the word.

How is it that some people are always so sure of themselves, no matter what, how or where they find themselves to be?

How is it that some people are as sure-footed and as stable as cats, always, always landing on their feet whenever they fall, no matter the height?

Why is it that most of us are born without the natural grace and elegance of a gifted few?

I, for one, have always managed, with a hundred percent success rate, to fall flat on my face every time I trip. It's somehow like Murphy's Law. There is an unwritten rule somewhere that says whenever Joyce falls down, its always facedown, preferably in a puddle of mud. Probably because she tripped over her own feet.

If at anytime at all, should you delight in watching me go to pieces, the answer is simple; give me a choice.

Its a surefire way to watch me unravel at the seams and slowly come undone.

Its quite simple, anyone will tell you choices are better than none. People always want to choose. At anytime you want to distract someone, make them feel like they're in power; you give them a choice, and let them choose.

I've always felt that choices are double-edged swords, and either way you're going to get cut. Its sad to say, but its probably true that I've always preferred to follow than to lead. Whenever it came to the choice between the greater good or to let everyone die nobly, I will probably go down in history as the most useless leader, by allowing voting to happen.

Even when I know what I want I can barely make a decision, when I don't know what I want, a simple choice can reduce me to tears.

Confidence, confidence. I seem to be missing you lately.

Wherefore art thou?

Love, Joyce.

The Show

2010-04-08T23:26:00.003+08:00

"..I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

life is a maze, love is a riddle

I don't know where to go, can't do it alone

I've tried, and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared, but I don't show it

I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down

I know, I've got to let it go.."

Dear lonely isle,

The other day I overheard something I wished I didn't.

Okay, maybe overheard was the wrong word, because it wasn't even overhearing in the very least.

So let's amend it.

The other day something was spoken in my presence which I wished wasn't.

Because if God pitied us he'd have make it possible to unhear things.

To say that I'm bothered by it would be an understatement. It's starting to worry me more and more. I try not to think about it, but its just never far from my mind.

Sometimes I wonder why I have to work. Now I wonder no more.

It's not something I can do anything about, so it seems rather silly to let it occupy my thoughts. But alas, paranoia and needless worrying is something I'm rather inclined to do.

These days I worry more about the future. I wonder if its got to do with growing up.

I've been blessed a hundred times over, growing up in the environment I did. Maybe its time to give back.

Just the other day, the most worry-free girl I know at work turned to me and said, "You know, I woke up this morning and thought about quitting at the end of the month. This job is really quite stressful."

And then I sat up a little straighter in my chair.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or if there must be something wrong with me.

It's true that there are days that going to work seemed more painful than being drawn and quartered, I don't deny.

But at the same time, I've just never considered quitting. True I do sometimes imagine what I'd do if I didn't have to work, but no I've never given the idea that I'd decide to stop much thought.

Sometimes life is just a lot easier and less complicated when there's just the work in front of you that needs to be done. But at the same time, when you find yourself the only person who feels that way, sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with the work or if there's something wrong with me. Everytime someone tells me that they're thinking of getting another job, its like a slap in the face, because I again wonder what am I doing here.

I don't think it matters much either way, because whether I stay or I don't it doesn't make me think less about what I heard that I wished so much I didn't hear, neither does it make things better if I do stay. Leaving might make things worse, but then again, nothing I do seems to matter very much in the scale of things.

I'm just one person, and I'm supposed to do what I need to do, and I should do what I'm supposed to do till I can't, and as one person doing something is better than one person not trying at all.

So I'm still sitting on the raft in the middle of the ocean, not quite sure if I should paddle with the current, against it, or if I should paddle at all. Clearly I'm not going anywhere, but I don't have anywhere to go.

I really wish I weren't so lost.

Shima, where are you? I need to talk :(

Love, Joyce.

21 Guns

2010-03-24T02:11:00.003+08:00

"..your faith walks on broken glass

and the hangover doesn't pass

nothing's ever built to last

you're in ruins.."

Dear lonely isle,

Notable thing of today: spoke so much chinese speaking in any other language felt pretty foreign for awhile. Oh, and I actually thought in chinese for awhile too.

Somehow, it seems pretty small.

Everything seems pretty small after awhile, when you've had enough time to get away from it and look at it from a distance.

Somehow, its all I've been feeling.

Gosh. Is it that time of the month again?

It sucks to be the girl always associated with this affliction, but what sucks even more is that it somehow seems to be true.

I think I need to do something with my life.

The other day as I watched season 5 of Desperate Housewives, I mused as I watched Tom and Lynette fight because the tired wife had fallen asleep during a sex session. The next day, Tom had said, "Do you know why sex with you has become so important to me lately? Its because the only thing that I'm passionate about in my life right now, is you."

And I think I understand truly.

I am all for and always with condoning living life with passion, but somehow, just like how Tom felt silly about sharing it, so do I; I don't have anything I'm passionate about.

Sometimes I wonder if there are people out there who feel this way.

Because all the other people I've known and met aren't like that. Everyone has...something that they're passionate about. It could be their job, a pet, animals in general, a hobby, an idea, a culture, the environment, something.

I don't even have anything imaginary to the passionate about.

Some people are passionate about living itself. Striving, pushing forward, and always wanting to improve.

Sometimes I wonder if being a lazy person has anything to do with it.

I mean..I understand that I am a lazy person. But to the extent where I am passionate about nothing because I do not put in enough effort to be passionate about something? If that is so then I guess I have never felt so ashamed in my life before.

Most of the time I feel like half an adult, like a child not fully grown, because even children are more passionate than I am.

Someone once told me that this is a syndrome of people who are too well endowed in the upper regions; note: brain. If such is true I'd give away my grades for half the passion that any normal person has.

Sometimes, on days like these I feel like my life is one long, straight line from point A to point B. And much as I'd like to pretend how interesting point A and point B is, and how eventful the journey from former to latter was, I'm afraid I'd only be lying. My life is just as eventful, and just as interesting as 2 points on a sheet of plain white paper, with a ruler-straight line connecting them. And that was very painful to say.

Perhaps its better to be boring and uneventful than to be filled with sorrow and pain. And perhaps, I agree, yes that is better. But honestly, what would I know?

Yes, on some days I feel very small indeed. Tiny in fact.

And I wonder if its because of the change of hormones taking place in my body.

And secretly, I think it isn't true at all, because there are some things you just can't lie to yourself.

I know I need to find something to do with my life.

Because people only usually feel this way after experiencing near death, or after they're forty and hitting mid life crisis.

I can't imagine how I'm going to be like when I hit forty. I'm probably heading for a nervous breakdown.

Did you stand too close to the fire, like a liar begging for forgiveness from a stone..?

Sometimes, when I take a look at my blog, I realize, it is, a very long, and very personal diary. I say very personal, because whenever I come here, its always because, I have something to say...about myself. Does this make me a self obsessed person?

And to make things even sadder, I'm now going to try to explain to myself why I always and only write about myself. There are a lot of other things I can write about, and I know this to be true. There are a lot of other people I can write about, but yet, I tend to write exclusively about my feelings.

If I were poetic I'd say the biggest puzzle I've always tried to unravel was myself.

If I were an ass I'd say I'm just plain narcissic.

If I were a realist...maybe I'd just say that it doesn't really matter, because your biggest audience is yourself, and I need to remind myself that even though I started a blog for someone else, I need to keep it going for myself. Even if it does make me seem self absorbed.

Hell. In every blog post I am essentially writing to myself *facepalm*

There's just days like these every month.

Maybe they just happen to fall near that particular time of the month.

I know my life is one long, painful search to find something I'm passionate about, because at each and every stage of it, I thought I'd found it, only to find that it wasn't true.

And in every stage of it I hid behind the mundane routine hoping that one day I'll bump into something and it'll say on it on big, red, capital letters with neon signs "PASSION". And then I'll finally know what its like.

And until now it hasn't happen yet. I thought this was something people just were born with, or something they just like or love with all their hearts. I didn't know it took finding.

And even with finding, it still eludes you after 23 years.

I always envied people who went out and lived in the jungle to research animals and plants for National Geographic. I still do.

When I was younger I wanted to be just like them, because they loved something so much, they were willing to spend their lives doing it.

I envy Christians, even though I'd never admit it, because they believed in something so much, they were willing to spend their lives following it.

Which, I note, is probably why, religion and I never really got along. I couldn't believe in it, like I couldn't believe in anything else.

Do you think perhaps when God made this little girl he left out a great chunk of Passion in her heart?

She must somehow be defective.

Love, Joyce.

Have You Ever Been In Love?

2010-03-15T21:53:00.003+08:00

Have you ever been in love

you can touch the moonlight

when your heart is shooting stars

you're holding heaven in your arms

have you even been in love?

Have you ever walked on air

ever felt like you were dreaming

when you never thought it could

but it really feels that good

have you ever been in love?

The time I spent

waiting for something that was heaven sent

when you find it don't let go

I know

Have you ever said a prayer

and found that it was answered

all my hope has been restored

I ain't looking anymore

have you ever been so in love?

Some place that you ain't leaving

somewhere you're gonna stay

when you've finally found the meaning

have you ever felt this way?

The time I spent

waiting for something that was heaven sent

when you find it don't let go

I know

Cos have you ever been in love

you could touch the moonlight

you can even reach the stars

doesn't matter near or far

have you ever been in love

have you ever been in love?

So in love

Have You Ever Been in Love

Celine Dion

Heard this in the car on the way home.

Strangely, it really does feel that way, being in love.

I didn't notice it at all, but even though it's only been a while,

it already feels like we've been together for a long time.

Everything feels like it happened so long ago, so far away.

And just like how time really flies when he's around,

I swear it slows down to a crawl when he's not here.

Even though work keeps me busy, for which I am grateful,

I go about my day feeling like something is just missing.

Have you ever said a prayer, and found that it was answered?

Of all the prayers I ever made, I'm so glad this one was heard.

Just trying to keep sane in the midst of calls

and trying to solve everyone else's problems.

It makes your own so much easier to ignore.

Love, Joyce.

Of Cars and Watches

2010-03-13T21:32:00.006+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

Haven't been posting pics for forever, but since I took them anyway, so.

Some new additions to the house~

First up, my other sayang.

I was going to say that its as cute as its owner

but you can already see that for yourself right?

Big, round eyes, general roundness...

Want To Play?

And something a little more pink, a new watch from my dad.

Haven't had a new watch in a looooooong time.

And because pink is so pretty,

I'll entertain you with one more shot of it.

Cheers~

Despite the fact that Astro has been a bitch lately

with the changes with Byond and making my life so difficult, some days aren't too bad.

After all, you leave your work in your locker when you take your bag out to go home.

Just like you leave your headset and notes and jacket and water bottle.

Worries for tomorrow morning.

Love, Joyce.

Never Knew I Needed

2010-03-10T22:41:00.004+08:00

"..for the way you took the idea that I had

of everything that I wanted to have

and made me see there was something missing.."

Dear lonely isle,

Today was one of those rare silent days on the train.

Not because there wasn't anyone talking, or that the train was particularly empty.

I simply forgot to charge my ipod, and had to endure the train ride staring at other people for amusement and entertainment on my way to and fro from work.

On the train ride back I saw a particularly cute guy, but as life would have it, I'm not particularly a very cute girl. Or at least, not when I'm with my glasses and flats and jeans and plain collared tee.

Eye candy definitely, but I mostly only got to stare at the back of his head, and at his reflection in the window because as fate would have it, I happen to sit somewhat right behind him.

But he was of no matter, because the next guy who came in caught my attention.

In fact, I can't even remember how he looks like.

But what he wore...oh what he wore. He looked so much like a particular someone I used to stare at. Or how that particular someone used to dress at that particular time in life when I used to spend a lot of time with him.

That fedora, that collared tee, those khaki coloured shorts, and just those sneakers.

It was so much like him, except that well, it wasn't, because I know for a fact that he's somewhere else at the moment.

And because silent moments are such that one thought leads to the next, I'm suddenly brought back to a particular conversation we had.

He had asked, how would your dream guy be like?

And I had answered, exactly like you, only perhaps taller.

And now I wonder how true had that been.

After giving it some thought, I think I can say that it was definitely true then, and it is still true now.

The difference is that, I've had that dream guy, and I realized that sometimes what you want, isn't exactly what you need.

We've all had that list of requirements when we were younger, the list of things we thought were good, all those qualities we wanted, all those traits we thought we needed.

And maybe we might have been wrong.

I know I was wrong.

I know you're not my dream guy, and I know you know you aren't as well.

But somehow, you're just everything that I want, without even me knowing it.

I just know its you that I want.

I think I'm starting to believe more in my choices.

If it feels right, it just somehow has to be. I don't know how or why yet, but somehow its just right.

Love, Joyce.

Fairytales Come True. Sometimes.

2010-02-28T23:06:00.004+08:00

Today was a fairy tale

you were the prince

I used to be the damsel in distress

you took me by the hand and you picked me up at six

today was a fairy tale

today was a fairytale

I wore a dress

you wore a dark grey t-shirt

you told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess

today was a fairytale

time slows down whenever you're around

but can you feel this magic in the air?

it must have been the way you kissed me

fell in love when I saw you standing there

it must have been the way

today was a fairytale

it must have been the way

today was a fairytale.

Taylor Swift

Today Was A Fairytale

Despite the fact that reality could not be any further than this.

Perhaps, this helps.

Today wasn't a fairytale, not by any stretch of imagination.

But I've had so many other days when I thought they were.

It felt like a dream.

They still do.

A very pleasant, very beautiful dream.

I'm going to dream one tonight.

Blue Sunday

2010-02-28T22:25:00.004+08:00

"..raindrops keep fallin' on my head

and just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed

nothing seems to fit

those raindrops keep fallin' on my head, they keep falling.."

Dear lonely isle,

Out of desperation, I turn to you.

Something, is really annoying me.

And like a vague itch on your back which you can't see, it drives you crazy, even more so because you can't seem to find that exact spot to scratch.

Yes. Something is really annoying me.

I feel it like I feel something stuck between my teeth that I cannot seem to dislodge with my tongue and yet I find myself without toothpick, floss or toothbrush.

Maybe its the damn period.

Maybe its because I'm feeling like a whale. A leaky whale.

Maybe its because I fell asleep and woke up with the map of Australia on the back on my pants, and a matching motif on my bedsheet.

Maybe its because these cramps won't leave me alone, and can't quite decide where they want to settle down. I feel them everywhere.

Maybe its because I'm leaking worse than a dripping faucet you can't seem to turn off no matter how tight you twist the tap.

Maybe its because falling asleep seemed like a good idea at that time, when I shouldn't have, because waking up is like spinning the Wheel of Fortune.

You'll never know what mood you might find yourself in when the dial stops.

Maybe its because I feel this slight pain in my nose, the kind you feel when you've breathed in water in the swimming pool. And I have no idea how I woke up with it.

Maybe its sleeping with the lights on, because lights mess with your internal clock.

Maybe its just falling asleep before 9, and waking up before tomorrow.

Maybe its the prospect of waking up to an unexpected but very much needed call.

Maybe its the unexpected way it ended, leaving you feeling like something is wrong again.

Maybe its the fact that you just think too much, feel too much, and care too much.

Maybe its that twang you feel in your heart when you hear something you didn't want to hear.

Maybe its because you're so easily affected by his response.

Maybe its because you noticed how easily it affects you.

Maybe its because you're quite fed up that it changes how you feel faster than you can say "Shut up"

Maybe its because even after everything you've tried, you're still annoyed.

And you don't know why.

Maybe its because food comforts you, and you want nothing to do with it at the moment. Whether its because the confounded ulcer just at the side of your mouth makes movements like speaking, pronouncing clearly, chewing, and maneuvering food into the mouth not only a time consuming hassle, but also a slow and painful process, or because you feel like the aforementioned whale earlier, and know you are, against your worst fears, putting on in mass.

Expanding in volume. Increasing in weight. Gaining in size. Becoming fatter.

And maybe its because one of the few things that make you feel better is going to make you feel much worse tomorrow, and perhaps its because you know this to be true.

And quite frankly, you're just too fed up, and you can't stop sneezing, and nothing seems to function the way it should.

And the worst part is, you don't seem to have had anything unpleasant happen today. For everything you've mentioned earlier, nothing seems to have been really bad. In fact, nothing was actually even remotely unpleasant.

Sometimes, when you're looking for that itch to scratch, you end up finding that you have no reason to itch at all.

I don't know. Something is wrong somewhere.

I don't know what, I don't know why, and I most certainly don't have a reason.

And quite frankly, I feel even worse now.

Love, Joyce.

Unwell

2010-01-29T23:15:00.005+08:00

"..for all of the times we've fought

for all of the things I'm not

don't care where we've been

I'd sink us to swim.."

Dear lonely isle,

These few days have been...a blur.

I feel like the days flew by, because its suddenly the weekend coming up to meet me again.

Or maybe I fell down, and this is reality coming the other way.

Sometimes I wake up feeling like I haven't slept.

And I know this is true, because I fall asleep when people are talking to me.

Perhaps a better way of putting it would be; when I'm listening to others.

When I feel I can relax a little, I fall asleep.

The times I feel most alive is when I'm on the phone, when the beep comes in, telling me there's someone on the other end of the line needing my help.

And I live for those times.

The moment I get off I feel as if I've turned off the power supply, and let myself run on hibernate.

Most of the time I feel like my poor abused laptop, forever on hibernate.

But hey, wasn't it my motto?

When you feel you're spent, there's always a bit more of you to give.

And it seems that I'm not running out of pieces to give.

Maybe the pieces are getting smaller, and a little frayed and tattered at the edges, but there's still more where its coming from.

I'm starting to feel that there's no such thing as enough sleep.

Because I'm always feeling so spent.

Some days I'm so tired I can't sleep.

Because I'm aching too much.

And every morning is hell.

Maybe that's why I like the train rides.

Despite the fact that its a little too crowded, a little too cold, and a little too early, I need it.

I need the time it takes for me to go to work, because I'd be feeling a lot better when I arrive.

Even on mornings when some car splashes water on you as it speeds past.

Even on mornings when you're sneezing non-stop in the train.

Even on mornings when your eyes are red, teary and painful, and you feel like there are a thousand elephants stampeding around in your head.

Because someone said to give even more when you have less to give.

I'm not sure how things are going to go.

Like how my laptop crashes when it burns up, I'm probably heading the same way.

But somehow I still feel that I'm heading in the right direction.

I just wish the rest of my body could feel the same way.

Or at least, be more supportive.

Love, Joyce.

Sleepwalking

2010-01-21T02:24:00.004+08:00

"..I can't turn this around,

I keep running into walls that I can't break down.."

Dear lonely isle,

Let the sleepless nights begin.

Much as I should be in bed by now, and fast asleep, I'm not.

Much as my body is very tired, my brain seems to have found the strength to go on.

Much as I would hope for a good night's sleep, I believe that tonight is not that night.

Do you believe in destiny?

I'll always believe that we make our own destiny.

That even though something may be written in the stars, its up to us to pick up the pen.

And also up to us to continue following the writ to the letter.

I'll always believe that we fight for what we have today, here and now.

Because if there is something such as a destiny, and fate, that dictates the lives of men, I'd probably convert to one of the numerous faiths we have in the world, and pray that my destiny will chart me a course close to the waters I hope to tread.

Because if truly we were always 'meant' for something, then perhaps there is no place left for hard work, and determination, and dedication, and honesty.

I think this would be the closest thing I have to a belief.

So what do you do, when life yet again, presents you with a choice?

When it doth again, places before your plate, two selections?

When it yet again, shows you a place in the woods where two paths diverge?

Two roads from which there is no reverse or return.

Maybe they lead up to the same path, maybe they lead down to entirely different circumstances.

You don't know. You can't know.

There's too many 'if's.

And too little 'how's.

Plenty of 'what's.

And too few 'why's.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Robert Frost made his choice.

Somehow, I'm going to have to make mine.

And I have no idea how.

All this thinking cannot be good, if nothing comes out of it.

I've taken out all my cards, even the ones I hid in my sleeve, in my pocket, and down my collar, and laid them out on the table.

Perhaps right now its still a rather private table, but nonetheless, I'm being honest.

And I've taken a good look at all of them, and tried to stare them down.

But yet, like a poor tarot reader, I still can't make sense of what I see.

I stare and I look, and I try sorting them into different piles.

I tried flipping some over, to uncomplicate the picture.

And still I've arrived at naught.

I know what I want. But what I want is wrong.

Is it?

Despite everything, I feel like I'm back where I started months ago.

Somehow, even though I've traveled, I haven't progressed.

I realize that this is probably an easy decision to make, but I'm still hesitating at the crossroads.

Until now, you're still such a sore loser.

You're afraid to take another step, for fear of what you might lose.

Coward.

Love, Joyce.

Blind Faith

2010-01-12T23:40:00.004+08:00

"..when life is a bitter pill to swallow

you've got to hold on to what you believe

believe that the sun will shine tomorrow

and that your saints and sinners bleed.."

Dear lonely isle,

Today someone said I seem to be enjoying the best in life.

I believe I do.

I didn't realize it, but I am.

I know it seems superficial to claim that I'm enjoying the best in life at only 22 years of age, with no work experience, no house or car to my name and with less money than I'd like in my bank. Also, did I mention I wasn't married?

But I believe that the best in life will always change. What may have seemed like the best five years ago, won't be the best now. And what is the best now, probably will have changed five years from now.

But right here, right now, where I'm standing, I'm definitely in love with the view.

And maybe I'm just a fool, because I know that things are going to be tough, but maybe while my brain has arrived at that conclusion, the rest of me hasn't realized it yet.

And like a fool who sets sail to sea without looking at the map in hand, I can already foresee the dark skies and pouring rain in the journey ahead.

Yet, this fool is smiling. Because its a good day.

In fact, the weather has been damn well fine for as long as he can remember.

If this were a movie you'd just know that this ship is going to hit some rocks or shallow reef and end up a beached whale.

But the fool behind the wheel knows that, if it does happen, that's okay.

Sometimes we can only plan where we want to go.

We may very well end up in a completely different place altogether.

The waters of the Ocean of Life oft times have a mind of their own, and they may decide to lead us down a different path.

"..and somehow I know that it'll all turn out

you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.."

So. It's been fine weather so far.

And if we hit some rocks it's okay. Because if the ship sinks we'll just swim.

And if we hit the beach we'll make camp.

And if we drown, well. It's going to be a bigger adventure than I thought.

But an adventure nonetheless.

If the world ends tomorrow, we'll all be in heaven by then.

I used to believe in this, once upon a time.

And then somewhere along the way, I lost my faith.

I must have found it again, when I tripped and fell.

Whatever comes, comes.

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always remember to bring your own sunshine.

Someone once told me this. I believe its the best advice for anything you aspire to do.

Right now, you're my sunshine.

I promise you, I'm going to make this work.

"..just don't give up, I'm working this out

please don't give in, I won't let you down.."

Because you said to have faith in you.

So I will.

love, Joyce.

PS: I'm reeking so much of positivity I'm not going to be able to stand myself soon.

Heaven Can Wait

2010-01-05T22:36:00.003+08:00

Here's a song

for the nights I think too much

and here's a song

when I imagine us together

here's a song

for when we talk too much and I forget my words

heaven can wait

up high in the sky

it's you and I

heaven can wait

deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

tell me you want me to stay, forever

cos heaven can wait

here's a song

for the one who stole my heart

and ran so far

that cupid couldn't catch him

here's a song

for the girl who aims so high

she shot him down

heaven can wait

up high in the sky

it's you and I

heaven can wait

deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

tell me you want me to stay, forever

cos heaven can wait

here's a song

for the nights

I drank too much and spilled my words

heaven can wait

up high in the sky

it's you and I

heaven can wait

deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

tell me you want me to stay, forever

cos heaven can wait

cos heaven can wait.

We The Kings

Heaven Can Wait

Christmas Medley

2009-12-23T21:15:00.004+08:00

"..I'd like to make myself believe,

that planet earth turns slowly,

its hard to say I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

because my dreams are bursting at the seams.."

Dear lonely isle,

Is it odd to be so very tired at the end of the day but feel completely satisfied?

Is it odd to wake up feeling so tired but at the same time so ready to face the new day?

Is it odd to wake up smiling?

"..got this feeling that you can't fight,

like this city is on fire tonight,

this could really be a good life.."

Is it odd that I'm so happy?

Perhaps its just the start, maybe I'm not worn out yet.

But I should be, yet I don't feel so.

I remember the days I had during my practical, and how different they were, despite the fact that I had more sleep, and lesser working hours, and much lesser workload.

I remember dreading to wake up every morning.

I remember dreading to go to work.

I remember dreading being at work.

While I'm convinced that everything is light and airy because its new, I can't help but to feel that something is different.

I don't know if this is a new perspective that I'm adding to the list of things that define me, or if its the false promise of the shiny new.

Even if it is, it's holding up so far, and I've really never been happier.

What I do know though, is that I'm definitely in way over my head, and paddling further and further away from the shore. Consciously.

"..suddenly I'm in too deep to ever get out,

I gave you my heart and soul to keep,

don't give me your doubts,

I'm in over my head and its scaring me so.."

If this is what being in too deep is, I'm ready to dive head first.

I know its not too late to turn back yet, but I have only eyes for straight ahead.

There's some things I realized that I can't lose.

Now that you've made your bed, you're gonna have to lie in it.

Somehow, even though its a little messier than I'd like, scary because its unpredictable, and so very different and sounds like a mistake, there's really nowhere else I'd rather be right now.

"..and I still can't believe that you came up to me and said,

'I love you'

I love you too.."

Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me.

Love, Joyce.

Day Fourteen

2009-12-13T21:26:00.005+08:00

'..I'll forget the world that I knew

but I swear I won't forget you.."

Dear lonely isle,

It came sooner than I expected.

I guess it had to happen. Sooner though, rather than later like I thought it would.

But I guess its normal.

Is it?

Human emotions are messy, unpredictable, and above all, stupid.

The human heart is really quite unfathomable.

Yet we rely on it so much, or at least I do.

It's just a phase.

Sometimes your heart takes some time to catch up with your brain.

Or is it perhaps the other way around?

That your brain is only now receiving signals your heart has been sending out for some time already?

Maybe its the latter...the heart has always been more perceptive than its counterpart in the upper regions.

Which is probably why posts like these only come under the heading of Day Fourteen, rather than Day Three or Four.

But it's just a silent whisper.

Background noise to the screaming static that is my life.

Except that now the static has dissolved into silence, and the silence spreads over your ears like a blanket, muffling out all other sounds.

And the silence is deafening.

But it's all good.

I like it like this.

Its just...a little murmur that I need to block out.

And sometimes when its really quiet you can hear everything.

I think I'm getting better at this.

It may not always be the best policy, but its important to at least be it with yourself.

Love, Joyce.

Day Ten

2009-12-09T00:56:00.005+08:00

"..I'm sorry I can't be perfect.."

Dear lonely isle,

You can't please everybody. The best you can do, is to please yourself.

I can't remember where I heard that line before, or where I might have read it.

But I do remember learning that lesson some time ago in Sabah.

Perhaps, I may have remember wrongly.

Or mayhaps I've forgotten it.

I learnt it again tonight.

Maybe it has to do with me being the kind of person I am.

Despite the fact that I am sometimes a bitch, and that I don't really care much about what other people may think, still, deep, deep, down inside, I guess I was, I am and I will always be, a people pleaser.

If there was ever a person built for democracy, it would be me.

I thrive on consensus, and actually tend to make decisions that way.

Besides Joyce, there is also Joyce, whom I rely on for conversation and repartee, and then there's also Joyce, Joyce and Joyce, and we all vote on decisions.

Which probably explains why I'm so fickle-minded when I'm alone, and can be indecisive to a fault. I probably can't decide on something to save my life.

But then again, ever the master of contradiction, I do enjoy dictator-style decision-making under certain circumstances. Usually when I already have an idea in mind, or a particular way I'd like things done, and always, when perfection is required.

I guess most of us are like that in more ways than one.

In spite of everything that I am, and everything that I may seem, I do seem to have been made without the confident self-assurance that some people were born with.

Try as I might, I cannot escape the need for approval.

Being an impulsive person, I tend to act without regard to what others may think, yet I constantly seek approval and support.

And these are the people for whom I cry for, because their approval means more to me than anything, and their support is my reason for existence.

Raison d'etre.

You've never admitted, even to yourself, how much they mean to you, but looking back at your life, you realize that everything you've done, has always been for them.

And that was something even you had failed to notice.

Sometimes, you just need to learn to live for yourself.

And to just be, in anything you do, for yourself.

You can't live your life for someone else. The most you can do, is live it for you.

Whoever they were, they were right. Working life is definitely a new experience.

Already I'm learning something new everyday.

I hate to admit this, but I'm probably a very slow learner.

I'm only beginning to catch up on what others have realized years and years ago.

Still, it's never too late, and it's better late than never.

Love, Joyce.

Day Eight

2009-12-07T07:52:00.005+08:00

"..are you desperate to find something more

before your life is over?.."

Dear lonely isle,

Sometimes you feel the dread of the confrontation even before it happens.

Conflict solving, regretfully, isn't one of my strong points.

The weight of the problem hangs on your shoulders, but yet you daren't unload it, for fear that it may cause a dent, or worse yet, a hole in the floor.

And everyone'd have to stand around staring at the hole feeling awkward for a few days while you wait for the repairmen to come and fix it.

But at the same time, you wonder why is it so hard to face.

And sometimes, you find help when you didn't expect it, in the last place you thought of looking.

And you are grateful.

To say that I am worried is probably an understatement.

It's ironic how we were always told to do what we didn't want to, or what we should do, even if it made us unhappy, because it was 'for our own good', and then growing up and learning that you shouldn't do it anymore. As a matter of fact, you should go as far as to do what you want to do, and make yourself happy (within reason an without hurting others, of course).

The inconsistency, or should I say, the breaking of the routine, the normal, the consistent, is driving me up the wall. Even worse because its a state of being, a mindset.

It was always what I should do, rather than what I want to do.

Now, I'm revising that line of thought.

It took a long time to get here.

Now that I am here, I'm left wondering what can I do.

And more importantly, am I making a mistake?

Love, Joyce.

Day Six

2009-12-05T18:59:00.006+08:00

"..can you meet me halfway,

right at the borderline,

that's where I'm going to wait, for you.."

Dear lonely isle,

Whenever we needed something, we went out and shopped for it.

What if what you needed was a man?

How does one shop for a man?

Unlike the inanimate, unalive dress, shoes or bag that a woman buys, a man is somewhat different.

For one, before you can bring him home as a purchase you've first got to get him to agree to that particular proposition.

So how does one get a man to say yes to 'I do'?

Like any other merchandise in Malaysia, choosing the wrong man will result in much unpleasantness in the attempt to get your money refunded, which is unlikely to say the least.

That aside, how do you know which man to choose?

Unlike clothes, shoes and bags, again, a man is hardly something you can buy several of to, you know, to change as and when the occasion demands.

The law states that one woman can purchase only one man at any one time.

Assuming I am to be a law-abiding citizen on this, how does one choose the man? (Of course, bear in mind that the man has to be conned into choosing you as well, so self-selling is of vital importance)

Do you buy the first shirt that you see?

So asks my mom all the time.

The shopping rationale behind this is very true, as most shoppers know. Sometimes we purchase something a little too quickly and find out later on that we made a rash choice because good things come to girls who wait.

But then again, sometimes the right choice merely depends on timing.

Something that didn't suit us then, may suit our fancy now.

As our mentality and needs change, so do our choices.

Something which may have been good for us back then, may have become the wrong choice now.

I guess, the same goes about men.

So how did our mothers do it? Finding the right man, the one whom we refer to right now as 'dad', or 'daddy', or 'father', or whatever it is that girls call their fathers these days.

At some point in life we need to stop choosing, and pick one already. And then bring it home and try to live with it.

But as every shopper also knows, despite the first shirt question above, sometimes we do find the first shirt to be the right one. And sometimes, we realize this after we've gone into every other store and seen all the other ones available. Perhaps there really was something about it that caught your eye the first time you saw it. And then, when we've finally decided to go and get it, after a lot of thinking, consideration and heartache (from parting with money), we find that it was already sold to the lady in red (or blue, or black, or green, insert your favourite colour, whatever, it doesn't matter. That lady isn't you.)

And then what do you do?

To say that you should have bought it sooner is rather unfair, as you were just being prudent.

And when it comes to shopping for a man, which you can only marry one at a time, being prudent is the most prudent thing one can do.

But what if you think you know he's the right one?

Sometimes we do get these little...signs, feelings, hunches, intuition, that this is it.

And we can't always be sure if we can trust it.

Then there's also the matter of convincing the dearly beloved other half (the purchase-to-be) to agree to your insane idea of marriage, and then from there, to convince both sets of parents that it isn't complete and utter madness.

It's just one of those things that seem incredibly and totally ridiculous to both yourself and your parents, but is actually rather normal for someone of your age.

It's just one of those things that seem incredibly far off to yourself, when in fact, you know that it should be incredibly, and probably uncomfortably, near, as an outsider looking in.

It's just one of those things.

I saw a bridal fair today.

When the lady at the counter asked if I was going to get married soon, I couldn't help but to answer yes.

Maybe the biological clock is ticking, and I'm finally hearing its cry of alarm.

Or, maybe I am right and this is it.

Am I scaring you yet?

If you plan to run away, let me go with you.

Love, Joyce.

Day Five

2009-12-04T19:50:00.002+08:00

I remember what you wore on the first day

you came into my life and I thought hey,

you know, this could be something

'cause everything you do and words you say

you know that it all takes my breath away

and now I'm left with nothing

so maybe it's true

that I can't live without you

and maybe two, is better than one

but there's so much time

to figure out the rest of my life

and you've already got me coming undone

and I'm thinking two, is better than one

I remember every look upon your face

the way you roll your eyes, the way you say

you make it hard for breathing

'cause when I close my eyes and drift away

I think of you and everything's okay

I'm finally now believing

That maybe its true

that i can't live without you

and maybe two, is better than one

there's so much time

to figure out the rest of my life

and you've already got me coming undone

and I'm thinking

I can't live without you

'cause baby two, is better than one.

there's so much time

to figure out the rest of my life

but I figured out with all that's said and done

Two is better than one.

Boys Like Girls feat. Taylor Swift

Two is Better than One

2009-12-04T18:52:00.007+08:00

"..the hope we have

is so much to feel good about.."

Dear lonely isle,

Its the quietest its ever been in here.

The silence is calm, soothing.

I could really get used to this.

For once, its not filled with the roar of mumbled thoughts and whispered worries.

For once, it feels really good to be alone.

For once, I am me, and I'm alone inside my head.

Sometimes I wonder how I got from there to here, from then to now.

It used to be the city that never sleeps, now its just a lonely island.

Quiet, and contented.

As I go about my life, through the motions, the routine and the bustle of training, its the same, and yet its different.

Maybe because it feels different on the inside.

Sometimes I get really tired at the end of the day, but no matter how busy it felt, inside I was the tourist on the hammock, reading my favourite book, relaxing by the beach on the lonely island.

There are still little worries and insecurities that nag at me, but they're just quiet murmurs in the vast white emptiness that is now my mind. And right in the middle, is a small patch of blue, a calm spot of sea, with a single island in the middle.

I'd like to believe that this is what meditation feels like.

What a zen state of mind feels like.

What it truly means to look into the Mirror of Erised, and see just your reflection.

I'd like to think that I'm truly happy right now.

And part of it is being able to be me, and just me.

If it were any old me, I'd wish that this could last.

Right now, even if I said it, I don't think I can mean it, because I'm really contented with the moment, and the next, and the one after that, and each one that follows.

Even so, I'm still very much me, and still very much a worrywart more than ever, with not-so-subtle hints of paranoia.

Who else can be perfectly contented, and worry that something might be wrong with them for feeling this way?

Maybe there really is something wrong with me.

Love, Joyce.

Day Two

2009-12-01T07:44:00.002+08:00

"..hearts break, hearts mend,

love still hurts.."

Dear lonely isle,

Reality is like a slow, cold wash of dirty water, thrown into your face as you alight from the steps leading from your house of refuge.

So you stay in.

And pray that everything is just you being paranoid, and that the worst is yet to come.

But what you fail to realize is that the worst was already over. And that was the part about acceptance.

Now comes the part of living with consequences.

But the full realization of your loss has yet to hit you. Perhaps in days, weeks, months to come, the ghosts of the dearly departed past would come back to haunt you, but for now, you're just glad that you're not alone.

Sometimes in losing one thing, we gain...something else.

Sometimes we gain more than we deserve.

And the little person in side wonders if there is karma and retribution at the end of this.

Because after everything wrong you've done, you wonder if you did something right.

What if you did?

Oh, but what if you didn't?

Still.

When your gut tells you you're on to something good, do you believe them?

I do.

Breathe. There's so many more days to go.

love, Joyce.

Day One

2009-11-30T08:03:00.003+08:00

For those days we felt like a mistake

Those times when love's what you hate

Somehow

We keep marching on

For those nights that I couldn't be there

I've made it harder to know that you know

That somehow

We'll keep moving on

There's so many wars we've fought

There's so many things we're not

But with what we have

I promise you that

We're marching on

For all of the plans we've made

There isn't a flag I'd wave

Don't care where we've been

I'd sink us to swim

We're marching on

For those doubts that swirl all around us

For those lives that tear at the seams

We know

We're not what we've seen

For this dance we move around each other

There ain't no other step

Than one foot

Right in front of the other

Right right right right left

Right right right right marching on

We'll have the days we break

And we'll have the scars to prove it

We'll have the bomb that we've saved

And we'll have the heart not to lose it

For all the times we've stopped

For all the things I'm not

You put one foot in front of the other

You know that we ain't got no other

We go we go where we go

We're marching on

Marching on.

One Republic

Marching On

Vineyard in My Backyard

2009-08-21T20:24:00.002+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

Presently, I am a grape farmer.
It is a job that largely consists of tedious repetitions of duties and strict routines, largely along the lines of waking up at godly hours, procrastinating whenever possible and house chores, done whenever situation permits, which, fortunately does not happen often enough.

Then there is also the title of Garbage of Society to shoulder, and as titles go, with all the responsibilities to go with it. Thankfully, the title is not a cumbersome one, but the responsibilities of being society's Garbage can be daunting at times, requiring one to attempt to sleep till noon every day (weekends are a must, unfortunately) and attend to Facebook games immediately upon waking. Then there is also the matter of spending money and going out whenever possible, an article of faith to be followed to the letter.

However, as with any job, being a grape farmer can be hazardous to one's person. There is the constant ongoing danger of having to battle poor sleep and fats accumulating on one's self due to inactivity. Also, the chore of having to constantly file off the rust settling on one's limbs due to lack of use is getting to be vexing from tedious repetition. Being a grape farmer also requires one to possess a strong stomach to withstand the stench of brains slowly rotting as thought is seldom required throughout a day's work.

But it's all in a day's work for a grape farmer such as myself.

Harvest promises to be fun, I imagine.

love, Joyce.

Run

2009-08-07T21:08:00.003+08:00

I'll sing it one last time for you
then we really have to go
you've been the only thing that's right
in all I've done

And I can barely look at you
but every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
away from here

Light up, light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, louder
and we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak, I understand
why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
makes it so hard not to cry
and as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

Light up, light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, louder
and we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak, I understand
why you can't raise your voice to say.

Run
Leona Lewis

GIMME

2009-07-28T20:01:00.003+08:00

Dear Person Up There,

I know, deep down inside, you have some small, perhaps very very small, but still a spot in the soft pump-like organ you possess under your ribcage, for me.

I know this because, I am praying fervently that confidence can take the place of certainty.

So....GIMME!

I WANT!

MINEEEEEEEE~

Thanking you in advance.

Amen.

Joyce.

Blind

2009-07-10T09:38:00.001+08:00

I was young
but I wasn’t naïve
I was helpless as you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I had to carry
A past so deep, that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we’d be here, I never thought we’d be here
When my love for you is blind
But I couldn’t make you see it, I couldn’t make you see it
That I loved you more than you’ll ever know
And part of me died
when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing through the floor

After all this time
I never thought be we’d here, I never thought we’d be here
When my love for you is blind
But I couldn’t make you see it, I couldn’t make you see it
That I loved you more than you’ll ever know
And part of me died
when I let you go

Blind
Lifehouse

Irrational

2009-07-03T20:34:00.006+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

Sometimes we need to know when to let go.
This is me, without tear stains on my cheeks, and without the swollen puffy eyes.
This is me, without my mask, and without a smile.

These days, I find the more it hurts the wider I smile, and the louder I laugh.

You take the pain and put it into a box, then you put the box at the corner of your heart.
It numbs the feeling somewhat. Maybe one day when I do this I really won't feel anything anymore.

Then you cry because its the only thing you can do, and because you wished you could do something more.
Then you pull the covers over your head and sleep it off. Because someone said not to worry about things that you couldn't help.

Waking up is like trying to find your teeth in the dark after having them punched out the night before. You stumble for awhile as you try to figure out who you are, what are you doing, and why the hell can't you open your eyes properly.
When you've gotten down questions one and two, you find the answer for number three.
And while you're still in the interim state of not fully understanding anything, something in your subconscious picks up the box of pain in the corner of your heart and hides it somewhere out of sight.

Some days are too important to leave to the spoilt child running the operation tower.

And against all reason and logic, the day goes well. And you appreciate it that the big guy up there still seems to care.

Perhaps you do get time off for good behaviour.
But not today.

Sometimes we need to know when to let go.
But I usually find out too late.
It's not today. Maybe tomorrow.

love, Joyce.

Firestarter

2009-06-22T21:09:00.004+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

Sometimes, when we feel really brave, we take out matches and play with fire.
Maybe we feel like we have something to prove, or just call it folly.

Maybe, sometimes just maybe, you have to ask yourself, do you want to get hurt that badly?

Children who play with matches get burned, children who play with stoves burn down the house.
Children who play with fire crackers lose an arm.

So, if we did want to hurt ourselves, why do we stop at matches?
Might as well take out the building while we're at it, and who needs two arms anyway?

Some people like to cut themselves just to watch themselves bleed.
But they are not to be confused with those who slit their wrists and go have a lie-down in the running tub.

So why?

When you've lighted all the matches in your hand, and are trying very carefully, to not burn your fingers, feeling perhaps a bit invincible, you often find you end up burning your skirt.
Which you then try to put out with your hands, and upon failing to do so, jumped into a pool of mud.
And at the end of the day....really, why did you put yourself through all that?

It hurt, didn't it?

Even when you expected it, it still hurts, somehow.
And like the foolish general in a losing war, you throw your remaining troops against the unstoppable tide of the opposing force, thinking it would somehow, when you got to the bottom of it, in a deep hole somewhere, it would matter.

But does it?

A little chicken once thought it was the end of the world.
But the sky never fell.
Possibly, long after it dies and even when its bones become bleached by the ground, the sky still wouldn't have fallen. Yet.

Sometimes, it feels like everything will somehow always be alright.
When in fact, it isn't alright.
Its only alright, because you've accepted what will be, and that...is alright for you.

Someday, when I die, they will write on my tombstone;

Here lies a person who did things just to be proven wrong,
for rest she could not, be satisfied she could not, till she was proven wrong.

Here she lies, for at last, she felt it was not possible that she was mortal,
and stood in front of a moving bus,
just to be proven wrong.

Incidentally, maybe she played with matches, thinking she couldn't get burned.

love, Joyce.

Yellow Shoes

2009-06-14T16:13:00.002+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

This is a story about a girl who lived with her dog Toto on a farm in Kansas belonging to her aunt and her uncle. One day, a tornado came and lifted away the farmhouse, with the girl in it, and blew it to a faraway land. Upon arriving in the aforesaid faraway land, the girl realised that she was no longer in Kansas, when she discovered that the flying farmhouse had indeed landed upon a witch. The witch wore yellow shoes, upon which she took up and put them on.

But wait. Dorothy didn't wear yellow shoes, she had ruby slippers.
But wait. This girl was not Dorothy.

So she followed the advice of the good witch, and travelled along the yellow brick road, hoping to reach the fabled emerald city of Oz, at which, she was told, the all-great powerful wizard could send her home. Along the way, she met three girls, each of whom had also an unexpressed desire to call upon the famous wizard, in need of a brain, a heart and courage.

But wait. Dorothy met the scarecrow, the tin man and the cowardly lion on the way to Oz.
But again, this girl was not Dorothy. She was the girl with the yellow shoes.

So why did each of the three girls require something from the wizard? The first wanted to be rich, and needed a brain to think of how that specific position could be achieved. The second wanted to love someone, and for that, she felt she needed a heart. The third just wanted to be happy, and courage would help her to overcome the sad things in life, and put the sad memories behind her. The girl with the yellow shoes, she only wanted to go home.

So they set off together with the emerald city in sight. For what they wanted, there was no journey too far.

But a wicked witch was determined to not see them succeed. She littered their path with despair and sorrow, and forced them to gaze upon greed and suffering. But still, they preservered. After all, everything they wanted awaits in the emerald city. Scorning her efforts they thwarted her schemes, and she melted into a raging pool of boiling tar.

And so thus, they continued their journey.

Finally alas, the yellow brick road had come to and end, and just beyond the last line of bricks, were the shining, smooth, high walls of the emerald city. High and sheer as steep mountains. The last barrier to breach, the last test to pass, the last challenge to overcome.

And so they scaled the walls.

Awaiting their arrival, long before they had reached the walls, was the great wizard of Oz. He lived in the heart of Oz, preserving the city as a heart preserves the body. Surely, they thought, surely someone such as he has the answers to it all.

And indeed he had.

To the first girl, he said, No.
I cannot give you, what you already have. Your wit, your cunning, they are but what will carry you through life, and keep you alive. If you were but to use them more, they will surely bring wealth to your doorstep.
And she went away, realizing that what she needed was not a brain, but confidence. And his words spoke to her soul.

To the second girl, he said, No.
I cannot give you, what you already possess. Your love for your friends, for the people and things around you, they will form the purpose of your being. If you were but to use them more, they will surely bring passion to your life.
And she went away, like the first girl, realizing she erred in her ways, and lacked not a heart, but a will.

To the third girl, he said, No.
I cannot give you, what you could not possibly contain. The seed of power grows within your heart, and with each step you force yourself to take, you have put a smile on your own face. If you were but to try harder, surely you will find happiness had always been there.
And she too, went away, dawn in her heart that she required courage like she required a third foot, because she had had it all along.

To the girl with the yellow shoes, he said, Never.
I cannot send you back, when you have chosen to come. I cannot stray you from your path when you have set out on this journey, like I could not have sent you back to the past, and to times before. There are oft many times we would like to turn back, but alas, this is not within the powers of men. The most we could do, is to move forward, and maybe in time, forget where we have been. But the wisest never forget, indeed they may choose not to, because, while forward is the way to go, sometimes it is necessary to look back. In time, you may find that the way home, is right up ahead, but only if you keep walking. And sometimes, this is true, because you will make decisions to bring you back to where you came from, from whence your path first diverged.

And the girl with the yellow shoes wept. For she knew she could never go back.
And she wept, for a time lost, an age faded, a memory she could never relive.
And still she wept, as she struggles to lift her feet, with the yellow shoes that seemed to carry the weight of the world, for if she chose to move forward, she would leave everything behind.
And it would be the hardest thing she would have to do.

And still, she weeps.

love, Joyce.

Biotechnology Night 2009

2009-03-23T20:58:00.032+08:00

Sunday, 22nd March 2009.

Last dinner for our course!
which of course equals to last chance to dress up >.>
Last dinner for our 3rd year biotechnology students.
A night for just us only :)

Then there's also the last chance to participate in group activities.
Such as dancing,
singing,
acting.

Decided to join the traditional dance, which branched out into modern dance as well.
Tried my hand at singing too,
and emceeing for the first time.

Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) I didn't get to emcee, the performance schedule was too packed. Didn't have the time to go and further entertain the audience :(

On the night of the dinner.
Us before it started, wearing the outfit for the traditional dance, Sumazau.

Fansus in black :)

See...what did I always say about black? Black makes you look slim..

Receiving guests in the traditional dance costume.

For the modern dance we all wore formal white shirts with dark coloured ties.
But that one happened to quickly, no time to take a group photo.

With (l to r:) Daniel, Ozzy and Butter who were all in the group singing.

With my pretty supervisor, Dr. Ivy :)

My room mate commented that she looks like Barbie.

With Anny, who was also in the modern dance, wearing a cute pink dress for the night :)

With Bella, who choreographed the Sumazau dance,
previous class representative,
and also former Uduk Ngadau (traditional beauty pageant) winner.

Tiing Jen either wants to:
a. kiss me
b. smell me
or
c. show off the hair that Jia Jia set for her.

I'm guessing c.

After the dancing, it was off to the bathroom to change, not into another costume,
but finally into something nice for the night.

Tiing Jen and Jia Jia

And, yours truly with no dress to wear.
And no time to do her hair.

See how self obsessed I am as I post three pictures of myself alone in a row.

Look abit fat there, but ignore, focus on the face.

With the favourite fansu :)

With Jia Jia :)

Jia Jia and Phebe, who's looking cool in my shades cos her eyes were swollen.
Allegic reaction :(

With Butter who refused to smile for my pictures.

No worries, retaliated by not smiling for his camera.

Lai San and Jaclyn, emcee of the night.

Feminine-looking Tiing Jen.

Never thought this day would come T____T

With Yuen, who choreographed the modern dance.
The guy seriously shakes ass.
And does it better than all of the girls in the dance.

The Vice Chancellor of UMS with his beloved students.
(He's their supervisor for their final year project)

We're privilliged enough that our VC is one of our main biotech course lecturers :)

With Dr. Jualang.

Beloved Datuk K. and his wife, Datin Ann.

With the favourite fansu again, camwhore style

Dr. Ivy and her students :)

We're all under her for our final year project.

Confirmed la, my supervisor is the prettiest XD

The GMO family

They acted as mother (Tiing Jen), father (Lau), and son (Yuen) for the play.

With Hidayah.
The first malay girl in my course I met and made friends with during the orientation week.

With Kak Aliya

With Yati.

With Tasha :)

The Sumazau dance group.
Can you spot the three blind mice?

Warning: camwhore shots ahead. If its not your thing, do not proceed further.

Yes I know its a lazy kind of post. But then again I'm a lazy kind of person :P

Had fun that night :)
Think I actually enjoyed it more than MAGRA.
Somehow its a smaller group, a more personal thing.

My kind of thing :)

Love, Joyce.

MAGRA 2009

2009-03-08T14:09:00.066+08:00

As requested by Shima, the pics for my award night; MAGRA

Hi.
Its that time of the year again, where girls put aside time to study to hunt for the right dress, the right shoes, and to search for the right accessories.

Its that time of the year when "So, what are you going to wear?" is asked more often than
"So, have you finished studying for that mid term on (insert date)?"

So.
This was after...2 hours at the hair dresser.
(1 hour of waiting + 1 hour of actual hair being set up)

Front view

Back view

Before setting out

Don't let the calm exteriors fool you. It was one hell of a big rush for me,
rushing from the hair dresser's to back home,
putting on makeup and helping others as well,
while trying to get myself ready too.

(the pic was taken while waiting for two other girls to finish at the hair dresser's)

So.
After a lot of hurried eye shadow was applied,
I hurried, hurried to the bus, glad to make it in time.

As the bus made its way to the first roundabout, I felt a horrid nagging suspicion that I had forgotten something important.

Yes, I forgot my ticket.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

But everything worked out, so no worries.

In the toilet at Sutera Harbour

Oh.
Would you believe that my period came a week late on purpose?
And decided to drop in on me on that very day itself.

From this point onwards, any sleepy/tired/dead/frozen-smiles-looking pictures are self-explanatory.

With Phebe

Tiing Jen, Phebe and Ah Boo (no relation to Ck)

(Ah Boo's real name is Boo Sook Yee. Apparently the nickname stuck since first semester.
Lesson learnt: becareful what you let people call you, it tends to stick.)

With Tiing Jen

Why we decided not to use flash for the rest of the night.
(Too many ghostly faces.)

Award presentation went pretty smoothly this year,
and by that I mean that they remembered me.

The above pic was for the first semester of last year.

Compulsory fansu photo.
Very few fansu photos this time :(
Much lesser than I'd like. Not many willing or skillful photographers >.>

The cert for the second semester of last year.
Ditched the scarf. Difficult to walk with >.<

With our lecturer, Dr. Lee, and her boy, Kyle.
He's so adorable.

With Jasmine, she won an award that night.
The amount of titles she's had and the amount of events she was involved in pretty much left the announcer gasping for breath. There was just too many >.<

With Bee Bee :)

With Annie

Spoils of the night:

Some camwhore shots;
Because you don't dress up and not not take pictures.

Its the last time I'm attending the dinner though :(

2009-01-07T21:10:00.002+08:00

Dear baby,

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait, I'm sure.

There's no need to complicate, our time is short
this is our fate,

I'm yours.

Love, Joyce.

Lopsided

2009-01-07T19:44:00.005+08:00

"..and it rains in your bedroom,
everything is wrong,
it rains when you're here,
it rains when you're gone.."

Dear lonely isle,

Life is unfair.

For all its symmetry, the world is almost positively made to be lopsided.

Everyday, everywhere around us we are constantly reminded of how things always are and how they are likely to remain being.
Some are born with everything, while many are born with almost nothing.
Some are lucky enough to be very aesthetically pleasing, while some aren't quite so well endowed in that area.
Many of us lament at the amazing lack of brain space we're given, even as we envy those with upper regions so vast and knowledgeable its unfathomable.
And the list goes on.
And on.

Every damn day, the world screams at us; life is unfair.
And that's just what it is.
There's not much that can be done about general and universal injustice, but like all things that seem to good to be true, the fine print always reads something like this.

So what do you do when you know that life is unfair?
You suck it up, like horrid dosages of bitter antibiotics you know you have to swallow.
Because, somehow, horridity makes you better in the end.

Except that the bitterness of the unfairness of life is supposed to make you a better person.

Today it rained heavily.
Could barely see the road on the way back.

I miss you.

It's just so unfair.

Love, Joyce.

Heaven in Hell

2009-01-07T01:26:00.003+08:00

The solace of morning hills.
Quiet bliss quite unlike anything else I've ever felt.

The Aftermath

2008-12-21T21:37:00.003+08:00

Okay.

Holidays are over.

Back in hellhole.

Not happy.

2008-12-03T20:35:00.008+08:00

HOME

Coming soon

05.12.08

Lady and the Tramp

2008-11-27T00:19:00.007+08:00

"..oh, this is the night, it's a beautiful night,
and we call it bella notte
look at the skies, they have stars in their eyes,
on this lovely bella notte.."

Dear lonely isle,

Lately I've been addicted to:

Sigh.

I think today was the what? Third? Fourth? time I watched the show.
The Tramp has got to be one of the best male protagonists, he's sooo charming XD
Yes. I know he's a dog.
But his character was voiced by a very smooth-talking human :)

It's possibly one of the most romantic films ever *swoons*
But then again, all Disney oldies are so great :)
The songs gives me goosebumps, and make me go awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww inside

Maybe I should start downloading all my other favourites from childhood...

Incidentally...the scene I remember most vividly, was not the scene depicted above,
but the scene when Lady dips her doughnut in coffee before eating it >.>
and Lady with the pink ball.

In Oliver and Company (google it if you're clueless), the most remembered scenes were:
1. Georgette waking up
2. Oliver eating out of Georgette's bowl

It seems...my brain likes to selectively remember food scenes (O.o)

For some reason, the set up of the characters remind me of Titanic O.O
Maybe cos its the only other show I watched with a higher-born girl with a poor bloke.

Except that this is nicer :)
Much nicer.
(Ann Gee may beg to differ. I know she spent a lot of money watching Titanic in the cinema)

Happily getting my daily sugar fix watching this movie :D

We need more Disney oldies..
I need more Disney oldies.

Love, Joyce.

PS: When Googling Bella Notte lyrics I found out that Britney Spears re-sang the song? Don't want to download it...I hope she did not ruin it...

*shudders*

2008-11-17T20:17:00.001+08:00

Me and roomie have too many electrical appliances

Sinful Saturday

2008-11-15T23:13:00.017+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

Did I mention I like Daiso?

Spoils from Daiso:

Lunchbox set!
Each item at rm5 of course ;)

So pretty, yeah?
Picked and choose to match the colours
Squatted at the lunchbox section till I couldn't get up >.>
Must pick a nice one ma...

2-tiered lunch box!
Okay, so maybe its not very big,
but then again I'm hardly a big eater.
And its rm5!
Hard to say no to >.<

Okay, so maybe rm5 is too much for a pair of chopsticks...
But at least they're pretty :)

Pack everything in..

And we're good to go :)
So chubee right?

rm5 photoframe!
For the fansu picture :)
This one is going home with me, some nice memories from Sabah.
I was too lazy to screw on the stand so it can stand upright on its own, hence the small hole.

Did I mention I like Daiso?

Cute stuff XD
Elianto eyeshadow.
I'm so in love with the containers.
Why I have 5 colours is a looooong story.

I like pink

MAJOR SPOIL of the day....
Sigh.
I'm ashamed to say this.

MNG incident reoccurred...
See here in case you didn't know what happened.

This time, Joyce stepped into Levi's.
I seriously need to stop going to One Borneo.
That place is godsend and also big-fat-wads-of-money-flying-away-from-Joyce trap.
Have to eat rice water (translation: very diluted porridge) for the next 2 months.

Ignore the pose. We all know I can't pose to save my life.
Okay.
I can't pose to save Ziggy's life either.
And that's saying something.

Focus on the pants.

So in love right now.

No worries, god is fair. Getting punished as we speak.
Suffering from sore throat.

Gonna go and sleep now,

Nitez.

Love, Joyce.

Freedom Lied

2008-11-15T00:38:00.004+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

Freedom came for me at last, on a sad, blustery, Monday afternoon not four days ago, when the wind blew dust into my face as I departed from the examination hall with all hopes of a good result this semester crushed.

Freedom dallied for awhile, when I spent my Tuesday after getting forms approved for my internship.

And just as swiftly as freedom came, freedom left.

On. Wednesday.

When. I. Stepped. Back. Into. The. Dreaded. Laboratory.

The. One. I. Swore. I. Would. Not. Go. To. Within. A. Hundred. Feet. From. Until. Next. Week. Rolls. By.

Okay I need to stop typing like that.

Sigh. The dreaded long days in the lab are back, like the sour turn of the after-holidays when you realize that work starts on Monday, and that Monday is less than 2 hours away. Only that, in my case, there was no holiday for there to be an after-holiday.

I return home each day thinking that I should really not stick Salonpas on myself as 10 pieces is clearly not enough. As a matter of fact, I ache in so many places its hard to find a place that does not ache. And you would think...what exactly DOES she do in the lab? Core workouts?

No...like the weary student that spends too much time on her bum studying only to find out that the person up there doesn't like her that much and so on thus henceforth killed her dreams in paper #4, she finds herself unable to adjust to the mere standing of the whole day.

I don't know how you can get headaches from standing the whole day, but somehow it happens to me >.>

And to think all I could think of when I toiled during late nights and early mornings were..

GODDAMIT WHEN THIS IS OVER I WILL GO SHOPPING, I WILL EAT FRIES, I WILL EAT FRIED DUMPLINGS, I WILL HAVE DOUGHNUTS, I WILL GO TO HANA AND HAVE JAPANESE FOOD, I WILL LEARN TO PUT ON MAKEUP, I WILL HAVE PIZZA, I WILL GO SWIMMING EVERYDAY, I WILL GO OUT AND PAMPER MYSELF, I WILL SLEEP TILL I CAN'T SLEEP ANYMORE, I WILL HAVE 8 HOURS REST, I WILL DO NOTHING ALL DAY BUT LIE IN BED AND ONLY GET UP FOR MEALS, I WILL WATCH A MOVIE IN THE CINEMA (AND NOT CURI-CURI WATCH WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING), I WILL CHAT WITH EVERYONE ONLINE ON MY MSN LIST AT NIGHT, I WILL READ THOSE BOOKS I'VE BEEN WANTING TO, I WILL PLAY WITH MY COLOUR PENS AND CREATE FANTASTIC WORKS OF ART, I WILL GET DOWN TO MAKING A BOTTLE OF STARS, I WILL GO AND TRY NEW YORK NEW YORK, I WILL!

And what happened was this.
The disappointment felt is just beyond my range of emotions to feel.

Somehow the harsh realities of life are just what they are-harsh.

Proposal presentation on the 24th...Will die soon.

Love, Joyce.

#3

2008-11-15T00:02:00.006+08:00

Okayyy Shima...but only because you said those nice things about me ;P

Eh hem...for the record...I don't like tags. So if you get tagged, I give you permission to ignore it if it suits you. Aren't I so nice?

No rules for this one. Just answer the questions.

1. Do you think you're hot?

Usually, no. Unless its 40 degrees out and Sabah Electricity decides to be real funny that day. Oh? You mean the unsweaty kind of hot? Seriously-no. Actually, that depends on how thin I feel in the morning, and whether I have my period, or how much I ate for dinner, and where the needle stops when I step on the weighing scale. Hotness is subjective...like the weather.

2. Upload your favourite picture of you.

3. Why do you like that picture?

It's one of the happiest moments in my life.

4. When was the last time you ate pizza?

On my birthday :) Luna Rossa, courtesy of Yasmin XD
(Damn good pizza it was too.)

5. The last song you listened to?

Gotta Be Somebody by Nickelback. Looping on my ipod :P

6. What are you doing now besides this?

Waiting for money to arrive at my door, and for my baby to wake up. The former has a higher probability of happening sooner.

7. What name would you prefer besides yours?

The last time I wanted another name was when I was...probably about 8.

People to tag:

1. Terence
2. Cheryl
3. Beatrix

(erm, who else does tags? Tristan is taking SPM...I know Ann Gee doesn't do them.)

4. Sooks
5. Wilson/Christine

8. Who is number one?

My brother. Am I supposed to say any more?

9. Number 3 is having a relationship with?

Am I allowed to tell? O.o

10. Say something about number five.

Okay, maybe putting two names was a mistake...they're both fun, very nice people I love to hang out with :)

11. How about number four?

She's just recently graduated *jealouses*

12. Who is number two?

My twin sister :) before I was 12.

Done.

2008-11-01T15:39:00.002+08:00

JOCELYN TOH LIAN YIN,
IMPENDING DEATH IS A-COMING
AND YOU'RE STILL HERE

SITTING. IN. FRONT. OF. THE. LAPTOP.
BLOGGING.

GET OFF ALREADY.

~Time to decide if I want a dignified death or be something unpleasant left on the carpet~

Choose, girl. Choose.

Suicidal People Aren't Supposed To Shop

2008-11-01T15:21:00.003+08:00

Bleh.

Supposed to take my friend to refill her printer ink yesterday,
but what happened was while she refilled, Joyce went to buy shoes >.>

Correction: Joyce found a pair of shoes she liked :)
Which is not easy okay...

Considering that this is Sabah and the Vinci here is like having ugly shoe season or something.
Oh its a phase all around KK at this present time and moment,
of course, just when I decided to get myself a pair of new shoes.

The realllllllllly nice ones were just waaaaaaaay off my budget,
so just settling on something economical that
I can wear for both formal occasions to class and also for casual outings.

I think these are pretty nice :)

Whatever if you don't like it *blueks*

I'm the one wearing them.

Actually I've never tried shoes with those rubber-band-like-scrunched-up-look.
Always thought they looked funny.

Surprisingly though, they look okay when worn, and are comfy too.
The rubber-band-like-scrunched-up part makes the shoe flexible, which accounts for the comfy-ness.

The last pair of shoes I tried that was for sale at rm30 were so hard I could not stand properly.

And when it comes to uni life and walking walking walking, comfy-ness is important!

So yes, this buy was so totally justified!
My pink shoes with lace at the front from SuiSui is like disintegrating...
The lace is falling to pieces, and when it rains I feel water on the insides >.<
Quite icky, it can be...

But I really did like those shoes...

Sigh.
Maybe its time for it to die a quiet and peaceful death...

Anyways, this is supposed to be quick, hence the lazy picture taking and posting.

I'm off to die starting Monday!
Bye bye.
It was nice knowing you.

Love, Joyce.

Closure

2008-10-27T02:25:00.005+08:00

"..do you ever think when you're all alone,
all that we could be, where this thing could go?
am I crazy or falling in love,
is it really just another crush?.."

Dear lonely isle,

Today I close a chapter of a part of my life. Finally.
The memory is an old one, but its one that I haven't been able to let go. Until now.

Pages so dry and dusty, you'd hardly think they'd bring so much warmth when you return to the bookmark you left there all this while. The bookmark you kept returning to every now and then.

The spidery writing has all but faded, but still the words mean so much. Somehow.

And yet somehow, because you've found the missing portion of the ending, it doesn't matter so much anymore. Because there's no more mystery to uncover.

And yet, somehow, because it's finally complete, it means even more than it did before, because you now know how it ends.

It was not the ending you had hoped for, but it was an ending you could not hate.

Like a detective on an unsolved case for decades, you find it hard to let go, and yet at the same time, easier than you had imagined it to be. It's a bittersweet feeling of nostalgia, melancholy, and respite. It tugs at your heartstrings, yet it feels good.

Like a sick man finally dying, you find release at the end of prolonged death, and you quite don't know whether the tears you shed are of sadness, happiness or just pure relief.

As you take one last look at the story you could not finish on your own, you can't help but to smile, that your one last question was answered, even though it was not the answer you expected nor hoped for.

That the hero came back, and he filled in the words in the empty blanks. And gave you closure.

Thank you for what you did tonight. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me.

The piece of ribbon that marked the page was finally removed, no longer needed to guard the page it was entrusted. There was no need for a reminder anymore, when an indentation still remains, like the happy memories you keep.

It's just nice to know, something special happened.

love, Joyce.

You've Got Mail

2008-10-21T23:36:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, life even delivers you love.

Right to your mailbox.

Thank you, Mr. Postman.

And to you, you lovable, lovable boy,
you have impeccable timing.

I love you.

Change of Heart

2008-10-20T20:02:00.004+08:00

"..who knows what miracles
you can achieve when you believe.."

Dear lonely isle,

Sometimes life throws you curve balls.
So you learn to dodge them.

Sometimes, life is generous and throws you sweets.
So pucker up and suckle the honey.

Sometimes, life feels magnanimous, and offers you choices.
So you follow your instincts and pick the wrong one.

Sometimes, no matter what life does to you, life can never go wrong,
so as long as you always think right.

I've never felt that I made a wrong decision. Ever. Because I always believe the decisions I make are right.

Someone once told me that. I'm still pondering if its true. But I'm starting to believe it is.
The only time you've ever made a mistake, was when you started to doubt yourself.

If you think you can, you usually and almost definitely can.

I've heard that one more times than I can remember. And it really is true.
If you believe you can move worlds and make a difference, you usually can.

Behold the power of the mind. What is life but mind over matter?
What is living but a series of cumulative experiences to fuel the soul?

Maybe that's why winners will always be winners. Because they've never felt like they lost.

Everywhere we turn, positivity and self-help books are multiplying like a bad case of bacteria in the gut. Somehow, changing the way you think, changes everything.

Its the way you perceive, that makes all the difference.

Or does it?

What if life always deals you bad cards, like a rigged poker game NOT in your favour?

When you've always been looking down, it's quite hard to look up, because your neck's gone stiff.
And besides, take your eyes off of your feet for just one moment and you get your steps tangled up.
And then suddenly the ground comes up to meet you.

It's quite hard to see anything else when you're lying face down in mud.

Sometimes, when you've tripped over your left foot one too many times, you'd want to stay down.
And just be left alone.

But what is life if we don't fall down? The wise Alfred once said, why do we fall down, Master Bruce?

So that we learn to pick ourselves up again. And again. And again.
And somehow in the midst of the repetitiveness we learn that we will always keep falling down.
And that we will always be able to get back up. Because once you get over the scrapped knees and bruises, its not so hard after all.

It's unbreakable, the human spirit. The wanting to reach out, break free, touch the heavens, steal fire-it's human nature.

Just like curiosity is man's curse, trying is man's blessing.

I'm so glad I kept trying.
Giving up is not something I've had the courage to do.

Today is a good day.
Maybe there are still rewards for the faithful in this world.

love, Joyce.

Black Heart

2008-10-12T02:06:00.004+08:00

"and I began to believe,
that the consequences of your actions really are just a game,
that your life is just a chain reaction taking you day by day.."

Dear lonely isle,

There are some days you retreat into the shell that is yourself and try to hide inside the tiny hole in the wall.
There are some days the world feels so unpleasant you wish you didn't grow up.

Virtues that we learn through bedtime stories, values we see in our parents, all the things you were taught when you were a lot shorter and a lot happier, you keep in your heart. Like well-wishes to keep you going, prayers to keep you safe, principles to see you through in life.

But as you adapt to the gray, smoky air which is our world, you wonder how you could have ever thought the sky was blue. Like obsolete computers and Nintendo games consoles from the past, you find the treasures in your heart have long been cast aside by society. Virtues you keep and uphold have no place in the world.

Because there is no such thing as truth or justice or mercy in the world. You can grind the world into the finest dust and examine every atom, but you will not find a grain of truth, or an ounce of justice.

They are lies we tell ourselves, and later on, to our children, with the hope that they will grow up into the kind of world and the kind of person we wished was and that we could be. We sometimes try, stubbornly, to stand against the corrupt of society, like a rock stands against the beating waves on the shore. And like the rocks we find ourselves slowly eroding with time, until we are nothing more than pebbles on the beach.

Maybe that's why we love heroes, because they represent everything we wished we were, and that virtues are not just myths of the generations past. The people who're bigger than they are, with a heart for everyone else. But there are no heroes in the world. Not the perfect ones we hope for, anyway. There is no Hercules to fight the three-headed demons of our time, and like the myth we know so well, chopping off one head just brings to life another. There is no end to vice, corruption and the stinking, repugnant, contamination of the earth known as mankind and society.

There are no rewards for the soul who lives by virtues, because there are no consequences for those who don't. There is no redemption at the end of the journey, or salvation at the end of life. Despite what faith may tell us to believe, sometimes you can't help but to know better.

And like the bitter person you are, you can't help but to feel foolish at the notion of trying your best, because the only person it matters to, is yourself. The world works on a different system that what we believe, where the only winners are those who dare to take all, and those who start running before the whistle blows. There are no rules in the world, save for the ones you make yourself. And who's to say you're better off living by them, than those who break and bend all the ones they come across?

The world is one rotten oyster indeed.

And I can't help but to feel frustrated opening it, even though I noticed the smell.

Tomorrow is another day I find so hard to get through.

love, Joyce.

Love Story

2008-10-06T05:38:00.004+08:00

We were both young when I first saw you
I closed my eyes and the flashback starts
I'm standing there
on a balcony in summer air

see the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
and say hello
little did I know

that you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"
and I was crying on the staircase
begging you, please don't go

and I said

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
it's a love story
baby, just say yes.

So, I sneak out to the garden to see you
we keep quiet cause we're dead if they knew
so close your eyes
escape this town for a little while

cause you were Romeo, I was the scarlet letter
and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"
but you were everything to me
I was begging you, please don't go

and I said

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
it's a love story
baby, just say yes,

Romeo, save me
they're trying to tell me how to feel
this love is difficult, but it's real
don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
it's a love story
baby, just say yes.

I got tired of waiting
wondering if you were ever coming around
my faith in you is fading
when I met you on the outskirts of town

and I said

Romeo, save me
I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you, but you never come
is this in my head
I don't know what to think.
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

and said

Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad
go pick out a white dress
it's a love story
baby, just say yes.

'Cause we were both young when I first saw you..

Love Story
Taylor Swift

I just love happy endings :)
Songs with happy endings make me happy.

It's 5.30am and I'm a bit nuts right now.
I'm going to watch the sunrise :)
(Not voluntarily of course...)
And I'll probably miss it, because I keep staring at the computer.

Midnight Thoughts

2008-10-05T02:15:00.007+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

I want to wake up to sunrises, and fall asleep watching sunsets.
I want to wake up with him by my side, and fall asleep holding his hand.
I want to wake up to the smell of fresh coffee and fall asleep after a full dinner.
I want to wake up feeling like I rested, and fall asleep after a fulfilling day.
I want to wake up with a mind like bright sunlight, and fall asleep thinking of the stars.
I want to wake up with a sole purpose for the day, and fall asleep knowing it is done.
I want to wake up with a smile, and fall asleep seeing his.

I want to go home.

But some wishes are too far away, and will remain desires.
For now.

But some hopes are too far off, and will remain dreams.
Nothing more.

But all are longings deep within the heart, a hunger that cannot be satiated.
A wish that cannot be granted.
A hope that cannot come true.

But you can't always have what you want.

As I miss sunrises and sunsets in my days, I wonder what is the purpose of a window;
I hardly look outside anymore.

The days come and go like shadows, creeping in dark corners like things that shy from the sun, unnoticed. Time feels insubstantial, save for the rhythm of heartbeat, a reminder of the sands that pass from present into past. Still, everything remains motionless, like the gray portraits of ancestors, choke-filled with dust and stitched with cobwebs. Still, the pile of labour to be toiled refuses to lessen, yet the marching of the days cease to stop.

I think, I'm pretty sick of my life.
Right now.

But enough's enough, ain't it?
It's time to stop whining.

The work isn't going to get itself done and hand itself in.

Just wish my leg could detach and kick my ass.

Love, Joyce.

Rainclouds

2008-10-03T03:39:00.006+08:00

"..My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I
got out of bed at all.
The morning raincloud's up my window,
and I can't see at all.
Even if I could it'd all be gray, but your picture on my wall
it reminds me,
that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad.."

Light Troubles

2008-10-01T22:48:00.004+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

Damn I so got to get one of this.
You plug it into your computer.
Press the button in the center, wala~ and then he said 'Let there be light'.

Looks so cute right? I thought it was a mouse at first.

With the light switched on. But you can hardly see it right?
Hold on, let me get the lights.

Hehe, kinda okay right? :P

Very useful especially for people like me that wake up in the middle of the night to do work. Ever since roomie's table lamp broke down we've been searching for a replacement. You see, we've become pretty dependent on the damn thing. Now, its absence aggravates both of us.

When I stay up to do my work, I need the lights. Roomie who sleeps early has trouble sleeping with the light on. When I finally get into bed, roomie who wakes up at the crack of dawn (sometimes before) switches on the light to do work, which wakes me up >.>

So, while we're still looking for another, I guess the borrowed lamp from Bee Bee will have to do :(

We still haven't found a new one yet, because anything with warranty is too expensive, while anything cheap enough doesn't come with warranty. Which is not a good idea, because roomie's old table lamp which did not come with warranty, died in a month and a half.

I hope Bee Bee doesn't want her lamp back anytime soon >.>

Love, Joyce.

Guilty

2008-09-26T22:03:00.018+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

Oh NO! Joyce went on a splurge today T__________________T
Some splurge it was too, since she only bought 2 items of clothing >.>
But still she is guilty of the highest degree T___________________T

For buying what she wants, and not what she needs....

What did she buy?

First up, PDI jeans at 50% off!
It's hard to resist the BIG five O,
possibly about the ONLY five O that women are excited about >.>

After they trimmed off the ends to accommodate my short, stubby legs.

Yes la, some of us are born short okay.

Oh? No no, this is not sinful at all. Jeans at 50% off are a good buy :)

So where was the damage?

Precisely here, my dear.

Dammit.
It's so not worth the price tag it was attached to, but I really like it.

Really, really like it.

Liked it so much I gave up pining for it and decided to eat bread for two months instead.

T_________________________T

It sure as hell doesn't look like much, but it was everything I was looking for.

Somehow other many many similar looking jackets just weren't right.
They weren't thick enough.
Or long enough.
Or had the right cutting.
Or were the right colour.
Or had too complicated design.
Or were too simple.

Somehow, this was just right.
Only the price tag was not right...

But that was soon remedied.

The lovelies :)

Obviously I am guilty of compulsive, impulsive and totally uncalled-for shopping.
A bit of decorum and solemn-ness is required,
at least to atone for the sins of needless parting with money today.

(But secretly, in her heart of hearts..)

(Very, very secretly...of course.)

Sigh.

Never again.

(I hope.)

(Fervently.)

love, Joyce.

Happy Things

2008-09-21T15:40:00.019+08:00

~My new beloveds~

ipod nano in red

My pretty pretty ipod :)

My pretty wearing a black jacket.
I want to get a leather cover though.

Gecko on my ipod

Somehow the silicone jacket seems to attract a lot of dust

Colour pens!

Me like :)

Rainbow colours are so pretty

Don't you think so?

Testing them out
Yes I know I have no imagination. Don't laugh.

But the colours look so nice on paper :)

Finally! My collection is complete :D

The elusive Eric, finally *hugs book*

Pretty pink notebook

Which I think I will end up keeping to collect dust >.<

When people give me pretty notebooks or paper, I have a habit of just keeping them.
Too nice to use >.>

New hard disk
(Laptop saver)

Hmm, baby you like to give me red things, huh?

Why I need a new bed

The family is growing

Littlest bed mates

Thank you baby
I really love them all :)

2008-09-19T13:48:00.002+08:00

When I opened the box, the first thing I thought of was..

Wish you were here.

The Twenty First Thirteenth

2008-09-14T15:07:00.023+08:00

~ September 13th~

a.k.a.
Day I Was Not Looking Forward To

See...forced to smile for the camera

-More love from Down Under-
Thanks baby :)
They're so beautiful

Somehow we decided to play hide and seek with the camera behind the furniture

Thanks so much guys, for going to so much trouble to wake up at ungodly hours to shop for ingredients for the steamboat.
T____T so touched.
It was simple, but the food was good.

And the company was just great :)

Never had quite so many fishballs in my life >.>
(Not in anyway related to the sentence before that)

Happy Potatoes :)
The littlest potato is finally 21 :)

I like my flowers *hugs*

You guys are too sweet :)

(Interlude)
~The Night Before~

Meet Pesca!

Pesca is very huggable

Pesca is so adorable

Pesca can double as a helmet :)

(back to September 13th, we apologise for the commercial break)
~At Luna Rossa~

Yasmin's new bag holder

We attacked the carbonara upon arrival, which accounts for the lack of pictures.
They sure as hell took their time preparing our orders.
(which explains Yasmin's abuse of the furniture/decorative structures)

(Damn) Good Pizza

Starter that became dessert
Tomato slices, stacked with mozarella slices (heavenly, btw) and topped with basil.
One of the Italian signature dishes.
(so is anything with tomato, cheese and basil. Makes you wonder how they came up with the colours of the Italian flag)

Thanks baby :)

Thanks Bee Bee, Mei Kuan dear, Roomie and Yasmin :)

Thanks fansus! :)

It's been a good day ;)

(Ann Gee, your prezzie will be featured in another post with Ziggy k? :) )

PS: My phone refused to charge last night T_____________T Phone problems again *sobs*
*prays* please be okay phone T_____________T

Kimmy's Convocation

2008-08-28T18:57:00.009+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

I want to graduate too!

I wanna wear oversize robes, and a square hat
(which I cannot remember what it's called)

I want to feel extremely hot and suffocating wearing the oversized robes
plus my own suit under the blazing Sabah sun

I wanna receive so many bouquets and soft toys that I can barely carry everything
(Hint: I like tulips)
(Roses are acceptable)
(No bananas)

Family picture!

Spot the fake person :P
One member of our family did not make it to Kimmy's convocation.

It's pretty obvious.

But at a glance I'd say she looks pretty real :)

Thanks baby.

Love, Joyce.

2008-08-26T21:27:00.001+08:00

Goodbyes are so hard.

Dinner at Ten Thirty

2008-08-19T23:38:00.012+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

I. Hate. Tuesdays.

Right from the start when I have to wake at the crack of dawn to be at the hospital by 7.30am to collect people's urine.

Can you imagine that?

Dahlah have to wake up so bloody early (extra early for me because I MUST eat breakfast and MUST prepare packed lunch for the day, otherwise I'll die of hunger by 11am.), have to go and collect urine first thing in the morning.
Feels a bit like those night soil carriers, but for them it probably goes something like
"Dahlah so late cannot go back and sleep still, must collect shit some more before go home!"
As in literally taking shit from people >.>

On retrospect, I take piss from people O.o

Anyway, enough about horrible thesis labwork.

Don't want to bore everyone half to tears or to sleep with the details.

Why dinner at ten thirty? Because Tuesdays suck.
After collecting the urine and bringing the load back to the lab at lunchtime (see, lunchtime bring urine back, imagine how good my appetite is), it's work work work till all the samples are processed. And because its impossible to finish in one day, the next day will also be a day devoted and dedicated to processing other people's urine. (so Wednesdays suck too.)

Back to why dinner at ten thirty...
Because I come back at 9pm.
And it's supposed to be a holiday!!! Who spends their holidays taking piss may I ask? O.o

Nuff bout thesis labwork (again).

Wasn't even planning to talk about that, but keep getting diverted by some unseen force in my brain.

Was so proud of my dinner :)
Because even though it was late I did not stoop to Maggi, or milo and...er, milo, then straight dive for the bed.
Hehe, so here comes recipe for Potato Tomato Salad.

Potato Tomato Salad
(Easiest Dish In The World)

You need:

1 (or 2 or 3, depends on how hungry you are) steamed or boiled potato(es)
[I used the baby potatoes I bought in Ranau, so that's 3 baby ones for me]
2 (or 4 or 6) yummy red tomatoes
[the more the better, should have more veggie than carbs. Cherry ones will be good :)]
Generous (or not so generous) dollop of mayonnaise
[depending on how much you moved today or how much you need comfort food ;P]
Salt and pepper to taste

To prepare:

1. Chop all the things you can chop.
2. Put everything in a bowl.
3. Throw in the dollop
4. Mix
5. Eat while watching a show you like.

Assured goodness and satisfaction :)

[At least I like it.]

Cos I'm such a sport today, here's a photo of the finished dish.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
:P

What...I said finished right..?

Good night :)

with lots of love,
Joyce.

Ranau Trip

2008-08-17T20:43:00.096+08:00

Friday

Morning in the bus

With our lecturer who decided to send us off

Compulsory fansu photo

Half asleep Tiing Jen sometime into the journey

Jia Jia in a good mood :)

Arriving at Langkon Palm Oil Mill

Note to self: Never stand next to Jaclyn anymore
In danger of looking humongous.

Very educational visit.
I now know I never want to work there.

It's noisy, smelly, oily and so extremely friggin' hot,
taking into account Malaysian weather.
Because of the palm oil extraction and refining, everywhere is so greasy and oily.
Climbing up and down steep steep staircases was quite the nightmare.

And the extremely hot and stuffy environment
makes you feel quite claustrophobic (or maybe just me) for some reason.

Us before the tour of the factory.
(note the happy faces and unsweaty conditions)
My hair was plastered to my head and neck after the tour.
Worst and longest hour ever.
Never felt more uncomfortable or wanting to be somewhere else in my life.

(and I was wondering why the guy who was giving the tour mentioned that if we felt really uncomfortable and couldn't stand it anymore we should voice up and asked to be taken back)
They made us wear these construction hats.
Haha, there have probably never quite been workers like us :P

I'm quite sure construction workers do not wear buggy-eyed sunglasses.

After the horrible afternoon it was back to the bus feeling so hot, sticky, sweaty and downright uncomfortable, mostly because I was not prepared for the condition.
Worst was not being able to take a bath when you need it so badly :(

Somehow though, I managed to sleep.
Being hot is tiring.

Slept and slept and woke up to this.

Girls on the bus were making a lot of noise about something,
found out they were all gushing about the view and beautiful Mt. Kinabalu (Mt.K)
She really is so captivating.
So even in the moving bus I tried to capture a picture of her.
That was the best shot I got.

On the way to the next destination, I noticed many kampung houses by the side of the road.
You know, those wooden houses, some in better condition, and some really old and run-down.
The kind you expect to not have electricity and running water in the house.
Partly too because there were no street lamps but there were some electric poles.

What made them very noticeable though was not their condition,
but the very ostentatious, unusual and bizarre fact that there were Astro receiver dishes sticking out somewhere near the roof.
Almost every house.
Some even with multiple dishes.

After what seemed like an extremely long, cold, dark, hungry and urine-retentioning journey,
we finally arrived at our destination.

Sabah Tea Plantation.

Place of longhouses, toilets, shower, running water, electricity, food and beds.
Y.A.Y.

Do not be fooled by the bright morning picture.
This signboard was taken the next morning when we could see 2 feet in front of us.

So fast-forwarding to after a nice hot shower and changing into clean, fresh clothes,

Roommates for the night:
Phebe, me and Ah Boo

Posing with our beds

Posing with other people's beds
(aka beds of people in the next door room)

Me in the proton shirt for fear of being found sucked dry by mosquitoes the following day

Dilly-dallying before going down for dinner

Barbecue for dinner!
This was sometime around 9 or so.

Hungry people

F.O.O.D.

Dinner ended for me sometime around 1.
After cleaning up and brushing and carrying out bathroom rituals, it was nearly 2.
Then I find out we need to gather outside for our morning walk at 6.30am.
Fuck.

Saturday

So bright and early the next day,
(actually at 5.30am, but snoozed till 6)
forced eyes glued together to open and limbs that refuse to cooperate to move
and woke up to this:

Morning mist and brown water;
the pond that we didn't even know existed the night before when we arrived.
It was that dark.

And also to a bridge that did not exist the night before.
Directly in front of the longhouse.

The corridor in front of the rooms.

The end that led to the barbecue pit and covered hall.

The end that led to the toilets and shower area.

More scenes involving brown water

People trying to look excited for the 6.30am morning walk.

I like this picture :)

View of the longhouse before we left

Warning: Pictures ahead contain a lot of mist, shrubbery and tea bushes.

The morning air was really so refreshing and cool :)

Can you see Mt.K peeping from behind the mist?
There is just the faintest outline of its looming shape.

Not Mt.K by the way, just a small hill I found interesting.

Path leading to god-knows-where.
Didn't have time to explore, checkout time was at 7.50am

Pretty mist and sun rays :)

Longhouse pics that should be somewhere above to introduce the place we stayed,
but is too lazy to shift them up.

Longhouse 1

Longhouse 2 with adjoining walkway to hall and barbecue pit,

where we stayed.

My room

Beds with overhanging mosquito netting to prevent unwanted bed-mates at night.

Convenient sink in room with a wire strung up so we can hang towels and clothes

The flooring of the place.
So to all you butterfingers out there, try not to handle anything small that's too important.

Group photo on the bridge :)

Pretty flowers amid the tepid water

Bridge that led to the barbecue pit

At Sabah Tea Garden
Resident restaurant/cafe/eating place where we got our summary on the tea plantation
and gathering place before the visit to the factory

The view from the wide balcony there

I don't know how to do the panorama thing Ziggy baby does,
so you have to look at 3 pictures depicting the whole scene I saw :P

And of course, how can I miss the opportunity to catch the lovely Mt.K?

Faint backdrop of Mt.K

View exiting the factory

In total contrast to the horrible experience I had the day before at Langkon Mill,
the Sabah Tea factory was so immensely pleasant in comparison with cool breeze and simple small machinery and raw material that smelled better and better as you got along and of course, the lack of anything resembling ear-deafening noise.

It was a happy morning for me, as I was feeling all nice and pleasant, unlike the previous day.
After the visit it was back to the bus to say goodbye to Sabah Tea and off to Poring.
Place of hot springs and Kinabalu Park.

As usual, I fell asleep.

When I got woken up, naturally I was not in a good mood.
I did not like the prospect of playing in the hot springs because we only had one hour to play and visit, and that was not enough time to change and bathe later.
So on general agreement we decided to just go for the canopy walk, which involved walking on a suspension bridge overlooking treetops.
Quite a view, I was told.

What I was not told was that it would involve hiking.
Quite a lot of hiking.
400 meters up of hiking.
Naturally Joyce does not like hiking, due to the fact that she has explored the depths of how unfit a human being can be and has found herself at the somewhat dodgy end of it.

Started panting at 150 meters.
Couldn't breathe properly or take deep breaths at 300 meters.
When we finally reached the base of the suspension bridge I think I almost died.

Just kept going and didn't stop all the way up
because stopping and starting will make it harder to go on.
Thighs started shaking from the exertion.

Did not take any photos because they charge rm5 to bring a camera up there and stupidly and obediently did not whip out my camera the moment authorities were out of sight.
The view was beautiful and pretty amazing, but not good enough in my opinion to warrant an impromptu hiking expedition.
Especially NOT in jeans and thick T-shirt and sneakers.

Was pretty unhappy due to feeling extremely unpleasant from all the sweating and exertion
when there's no opportunity to bathe afterwards.
The same reason why I did not want to play in the hot springs.

Walking the canopy wasn't all that exciting,
so as long as I didn't look down and started my heart into V-fib.

The walk down was just a haze of tiredness and felt like I had really no energy.
Not enough sleep and breakfast is not a good recipe for hiking.
Hobbled down one step at a time.

Strangely though, Tiing Jen got more excited the higher we climbed,
and by the time we were going down, she was leaping and bounding,
laughing all the way.

And she was wearing slippers.

Yes, the dodgy end of the the fit scale is probably an understatement of my physical condition.

Was so extremely hungry and tired after that.
Upon reaching the foot of the hill it was running back to the bus because we took one and a half hours to complete the 'walk'.

Of course, with the exception of Tiing Jen who had already reached flatlands way earlier than us and was playing in the river you see in one of the pictures above.

Waiting for us to catch up.

So after drying up in the air-cond, fell asleep (surprise! surprise!)
and got woken up for lunch.
Was so sleepy and tired I was so tempted to forgo lunch, then remembered being hungry the day before and decided to go and find food with the rest.
Had something that was a sorry excuse for char siew rice.

Food disappointment in Sabah is nothing new to me.

Anyway, after the disappointing meal, back onto the bus and back to bed.

Got woken up (again) and told by Tiing Jen that we've arrived at the shopping place.
Shopping in terms of fresh fruit, vegetables and flowers.
Decided to give it a go even though I wasn't in the best of moods.

When I got off the bus first thing I felt was cold, cool breeze.
Colder than the bus air-cond.
Looked to the right, and I saw this:

Joyce immediately woke up and took out her camera.

Its just one of those scenes you absolutely have to take.
For me at least, with my fascination with Mt.K.

The most up-close, beautiful view I got of the lovely lady.

Naturally, the second thing that caught my eye were flowers.

Lots,

and lots of them.

Potted plant with cute leaves

Of course, there was a row of shops with produce like those below, all selling almost the same things, pretty much like Camerons.

What happens if you sit down in a place for too long; i.e. the bus.
You grow fungus.
(I know it's a mushroom, just an illustration. It's fungi of some sort anyway)

Pretty veggie

Love the colours, the white rose just looks so pretty

Very fascinated with the small, tiny flowers :)
They're so cute.

There is just something about flowers that lights up the heart of all things female,
or possibly all humans female.
Little girls love to pick em, ladies love to receive em,
and a majority of women love to plant em.

Aren't they so pretty altogether?
The sellers refer to them as plastic flowers.
They're very much alive, but the petals are very hard and feel dry, much like plastic.
But they have green stems with ends dipped into water.

Apparently even when they dry up the colours do not change.
Hmm.

Since the photos end here, for reasons I will mention later,
we shall have one last look at the beautiful Mount Kinabalu.

Once I got back in the bus I was told it was just back home all the way, no more stops.
In her heart Joyce went hip hip hooray and settled off for some undisturbed sleep.

However, the bumpy road was not going to let her have her way, but that's okay.
Then she got woken up and told that those who stayed outside of campus were supposed to shift to the other bus while those that stayed in campus were to board the current bus she was in.
But that's okay.
Then she got shifted to the back of the bus where the bumpy road made trying to sleep like sleeping on a trampoline while jumping.

Sigh.

Naturally no one takes pictures upon waking up from conditions such as those :(

Got home around 6.30pm or so.
Dead tired, dead hungry and very sore from hiking.

Day At Mamutik

2008-08-12T19:33:00.049+08:00

On the bus to Jesselton Port

At Jesselton Port

Grumpy Jia Jia started smiling :)
(finally)

Why was she grumpy?

We were told to be at the bus stop at our respective kampungs before 6.45am.
What happened was Joyce came out at 6.50am and had a shock because there was no bus in sight, thinking that somehow because she was 5 minutes late, they left without her.

But such was not the case.

Then Joyce made a few calls and found out she was probably the only person waiting for the bus at Kingfisher residence area.
So she drove to Kampung E to wait for bus with her friends.

The bus finally came at 8.00am.
Too much or not, you tell me.

Anyway, Jia Jia was grumpy because she did not have enough sleep
(diarrhea and whatnot at 3am)
She then woke up at 6.30am, and rushed to meet the 6.45am bus stop dateline.

But lo and behold.
This is UMS, where nothing is reliable.

And thus the bus came and 8.00am due to bad management and planning by second years.

And Jia Jia became grumpy.

Raring to go :)

On the boat

Very hot, hor?
See, so bright.

To get to any of the islands you need to take a boat ride from the port.

Arriving at Mamutik

Lots of fishes at the jetty

Really a lot of fishes at the jetty...

To my surprise, Mamutik looks very much like Sapi...

When we arrived, Joyce went, "Wrong island ka?"
Until I saw the Welcome to Mamutik sign.

I'm starting to think that all islands near KK look the same O.o"

They have the same white, sandy beaches.

The same wooden style jetties.

The same corals and fish..

Nevermind, I will post comparison photos as I go along.

Corals at the jetty

Pretty girls at the jetty

Hahahahaha.
Let a girl have some fun, will you?

Yet more pretty girls :P

At the shallow beach

It's so bright and hot it looks dark.

Looks like something from a ClubMed brochure.
Without the people at the side.
Can they be photoshopped out? >.<"

Mamutik

Sapi

Sometime after snorkling for a few hours

Mamutik

Sapi

Hahahaha
Maybe I'm not convincing enough.
Anyway, all beaches have sand and sea and boats and jetties.
It's quite common they should look alike.

But the island vegetation, the fauna and the overall way the island was developed is very similar.
Heck, right down to the stinking, dirty, waterless cubicles they call a toilet.

This was some time before lunch, because we were hungry and food hadn't arrived yet,
so we entertained ourselves by snapping pictures.

The time difference from picture above and the picture below is pretty huge.
There's about 4 hours worth of gap between them.

See what happened was this.
(create mental pictures for each scene, its the least you can do when I cannot provide you pictures of the following activities)

Went snorkling.
(so no camera)

Felt tired.

Slept on soft white sand.
(wearing goggles, in case sand got into eyes)

Woke up.

More snorkling.

Got tired.

Sat in shallow part near shore, and got pummeled by waves
and tossed to the shoreline filled with broken and dead corals.
OUCH.

Got sunburned enough.

Went to shower outdoors.
(with clothes still on, of course, to wash off the sand)

Went into smelly excuse for toilet to dry up and change.
(no water inside remember?)

Then we come back to the present.

Dry, itchy and sunburned.
But feeling much better than wet, itchy and sunburned.

With salt-encrusted hair.
You'd have that expression too, believe me.
Hair like dried, almost flammable grass sucks.

Dying for a bath.

And thus is the end of the pictures.

But not the end of the journey.

Left the island about 5.00pm.
Reached Port Jesselton about 5.20pm.

Bus was full and was told to wait for the second round.

Waited.

And waited.

Bus came at 7.00pm.

UMS is really so extremely unreliable.
Period.

Clumsy

2008-08-05T09:08:00.008+08:00

"..going, coming,
thought I heard a knock
who's there?
no one.."

Dear lonely isle,

I think I fell back into the hole.
But I'll climb back up.

I'll be okay.

Just....not now.

It's gonna hurt when it heals too,
It'll all get better...in time.

love, Joyce.

Sober

2008-08-05T08:57:00.002+08:00

And I don't know
this could break my heart or save me
nothing's real, until you let go
completely

so here I go
with all my thoughts I've been saving
so here I go
with all my fears weighing on me

three months
and I'm still sober
picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
but I know
it's never really over

and I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
at the end of this road I might catch
a glimpse of me

three months
and I'm still breathing
been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
but I know
it's never really over, no

three months
and I'm still standing here

three months
and I'm getting better, yeah

three months, yeah three months

three months
and I'm still breathing

three months
and I still remember it

three months and I wake up

three months
and I'm still sober

picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.

Sober
Kelly Clarkson

Moving Muscles

2008-08-01T20:43:00.005+08:00

Dear lonely isle,

Today, everyone should go out and buy 4D.
Because Joyce did physical exercise.

Went swimming with my housemates today; Bee Bee, Mei Kuan, and Chia Wern.
For those of you who know about Bee Bee and Mei Kuan, I have great news for you, Chia Wern, my new room mate, is even smaller than them >.<"
Size-wise. Body frame-wise.
Which makes round round Joyce look like something akin to the great, deep sea-faring mammals in the ocean next to them.
People with great legs. Why do I keep attracting them?

Anyway, we went to the public pool at the Likas Sports Complex. Sorry guys, no pictures. Didn't really want to risk bringing my camera and having it stolen or what-not.

*Must check out the place first ma...My first time there, know?*

The pool was a standard Olympic size pool with of course, the standard freaking cold water that accompanies all indoor or covered pools.

Sad to say, all my effort building up stamina sometime last year when I used to swim every morning with Ziggy baby went *poof* with tiny clouds of smoke.

This is why not doing anything even vaguely strenuous for long periods of time is bad for you, because it makes you extremely wimpy and soft and useless.
Yes, because Joyce went kempis halfway along the length of the pool >.<" And not to mention broke the record for what could be possibly the slowest time taken to swim the length of an Olympic sized pool.

Partly due to the fact that I cannot remember or even recall the last time I did anything even vaguely strenuous.

Haha whatever. I can gloat because my poor room mate cannot swim at all :P
But then again, what I can do isn't exactly something to be proud of anyway...I just float a long faster than she does. When she learns how to float lah.

Oh I went round looking for a new swimsuit that day, because my current old one is pretty tight for me. Actually, 'pretty tight' is probably an understatement >.<"

If you've been swimsuit shopping lately (as I have), and buy your swimsuits from brands like Speedo, Ogival and whatnot, you find that they measure the swimsuit size according to your bust size, or more accurately the circumference of your chest.

Cheap string bikinis do not count because they are all labeled 'free size' and have what passes for possibly a handkerchief for dolls to cover your 'vitals' because there cannot be any other use for pieces of cloth so small. Yes I gave them a try, and no, tried as I could, I could not stretch them wide enough to feel PG-13 rated, much less secure.
And no of course I didn't buy them.
I do not stoop to obscenity.

Anyway, back to buying swimsuits.
If my bra size and measurements are anything to go by, it's that my chest circumference should be 34-35 inches. So I thought my old swimsuit was probably 30 or 32 inches in size which accounts for the tightness. But after checking the worn out label on the suit my eyes widened in amazement, shock and possibly horror (okay, maybe not horror, but kind of like how somethings are weird but yet fascinating at the same time?) that the actual size was 28 inches.
That's like 6 inches in difference.
Imagine how my breasts feel.
Okay, don't imagine. I was just kidding.

No wonder I look literally like an airport runway wearing the suit. The poor dears were squashed so tight they became flat. (Yes, fats are quite soft and can flatten if you squash them)

So yes, I think I have justified getting a new swimsuit. Problem is, Sabah for some reason DOES NOT and is possibly INCAPABLE of selling even marginally or reasonably nice looking swimsuits.
They're either horrendously small or horrendously ugly. (Some were horrendously weird. Anyway, the point is that swimsuits here are quite horrendous. But I'm sure you know now.)

And I have some Family Day thingy for my course coming up next week, and we're going to an island to play. And I have to wear my very tight swimsuit and look boobless *sobs* T_______T

On hindsight, I now know what muscles are involved in swimming the breast stroke because I can feel every single one I used today, probably more than is possibly necessary or required.
Oh, no worries, it's not THAT bad, I can still lift my arms straight and reach for the skies.
One at a time though, and very slowly.

Yes, I already know how unfit I am. I'm suffering for it, remember?

But I had a good time :)
Teaching roomie how to swim, kempis-ing at the side of the pool feeling great because I moved muscles and put (possibly) some fat to work to earn their keep for the extended stay and usage of space in my body.

And the best part of it all, having a good, hot dinner after all the relatively hard work done :)
(Relative because while it is not hard work at all for everyone else, but for my standard of nil exercise, I gotta say I made myself happy and a little bit proud today ;) *tries to pat self on back but failed because arms refuse to cooperate after being tortured, and thus resorts to mentally patting self on back*)

It's been a good day. Of sorts.
Now if only my muscles can feel as good as I do and stop complaining.

love, Joyce.

Superior Saturday

2008-07-30T22:49:00.004+08:00

"I, Arthur, anointed heir to the Kingdom,
claim the Sixth Key,
and with it the mastery of the Upper House.

I claim it by blood and bone and contest,
out of truth, in testament, and against all trouble."

Wheeee~ Good book :)

Finally got my hands on it.

Amen.

Excavation : In Progress

2008-07-30T22:20:00.002+08:00

"..I'm going to smile cos I deserve to,
it'll all get better- in time..''

Dear lonely isle,

I think its been long enough.
Been sitting around waiting for the sky to fall on me and the world to crumble around my ears.
Hid out here in my cave and blasted the doorway to cover the entrance.
But there were no loud crashes or earth shaking tremors.

Think its time I dug my way out from under the rubble to have a peek to check if the world changed while I wallowed in my misery and convinced myself that everything was over.

If the sun still shines in the morning sky and the stars still twinkle in the moonlight,
then the worst that could've happened didn't.
Or possibly hasn't happened yet.
In which case, it still isn't time to hide yet. Nor is it time to run away yet.

And because it isn't time yet, it's time to move on.

I've got too much work waiting to be done, too many things left to be had, too much life waiting to be lived.

love, Joyce.

2008-07-15T02:11:00.010+08:00

Back up, back up,
take another chance.
Don't you mess up, mess up,
I don't want to lose you.
Wake up, wake up,
this ain't just a thing that you
give up, give up.

Don't you say that I'd be
better off, better off,
sleeping by myself and wondering
if I'm better off, better off
without you, boy.

The Little Things
Colbie Caillat